Substance Use
Coffee Consumption
Going to the shop with my father when I was young, going to work with him, was a such a joy for me. This is likely were I had my first coffee. There would always be a pot there along with whitener and sugar cubes. Kids love sugar cubes. I did. I used to pour myself a cup of coffee and load it up with sugar. I never became addicted to it, I am not sure the coffee effected me, however the sugar would have. I would keep sneaking cubes.
Entering adulthood I was fairly aware of myself. I rarely drank coffee. I used to leave for work early in the morning when it would be really cold outside. I never allowed my vehicle to completely warm up before driving away so I started stopping at the gas station a few kilometers away to coffee. It was hot. It perked me up. I remember in early in the morning alone with myself being very aware of my own addictive tenancies.
I am creature of habit I concluded. I noted how the habit was already forming, and I remember asking myself if I wanted to continue and allow myself to be addicted to coffee? I decided that one cup per day first thing the morning was not a bad thing. This led to my mother getting upset with me as she taught me how to make coffee a single by the cup at home. I started doing so in the morning as a regular routine in my rush out the door.
Being young, dumb and full of all kinds of things, running against the clock very early in the morning I would use far too much coffee for a single cup and I would be wired on caffeine all day. It helped provide drive at work. It helped me work hard. It hindered me as well. It made me a lot to handle if you were in my way. I was young, full of potential and energy, and I was pushed to work to my maximum potential by my by employer / teacher.
Years later after buying my first computer I allowed myself to have a coffee at home in the afternoon. It was pouring rain outside, the euphoria induced became my high that I always chased. I learned to love that euphoric feeling, especially if it was raining outside and all I could do is play on my computer. That feeling combined with my enjoyment of computers was like heaven to me. At this point I was still limited to two cups per day, maximum.
The union convinced me to become a staff member, to become a union organizer. That was both the best and the worst career move of my life. Suddenly I had access to all the coffee I could drink in day. I am sure the coffee bill went up, as they actually mentioned it. I think I even got in trouble for it in a sense. It was brought to my attention. However, if you give someone a job like that and they need to think,... well coffee is a great simulator.
A coworker made a reference that giving me a coffee was like giving an alcoholic a drink. I was just always buzzing in high gear. Leaving that job, my consumption was forced to drop off back on constructions sites but it never returned to that one cup per day prior. These days add if you add stress to my person the first thing I do drink coffee. That's all I do is drink coffee. Far too much. Any excuse. It's really bad for my health the way I drink it.
It's how I stave off depression
Cigarette Smoking
At 13 years old I told myself that I was never going to smoke. By 14 years old I was deeply hooked. The initial root of such was my eldest brother laughing at me for having a jean jacket. I wanted jean jacket to be like him. That was one several instances where he weakened me. Long story short, a blonde girl who was well endowed and year older taught me how to smoke. She would have taught me more if I would have let her. Another "girl-friend" from back then told that she, first one mentioned, wrecked me.
I remember the shame I felt towards my father for doing so along with the loss of self-esteem once I knew I was hooked. I instantly plummeted, I felt terribly alone in that, I felt I had just ruined my life. I had a deep awareness over such. With my father's drinking habits, the smoking seemed to be an instant mimicked of his addiction and the chemicals just sealed my fate. I decided one sunny day at school that I would rather be addicted to cigarettes than alcohol. I rationalized that with cigarettes, at least I would keep my mind, but that's not entirely true.
Several years ago I was working in the home of a retired couple from Alberta, an Engineer and his wife. We enjoyed many deeper conversations on history, politics, the world scene. They were the only ones who were able to finally break me free from the trappings of certain viewpoints. Anyways, one day they came to me and said we don't want to give you this "Study" but here you are. Here is a "Study" on the Positive Benefits of Smoking Tobacco. If I remember right, it is both a stimulant, and a depressant. It raises intelligence.
It is a terrible habit of mine. I am just creating this page as I am wondering if my inability to mentally put myself to task in regards things I want to do is due things like smoking. I am just wondering to myself if certain issues I am having are from excessive smoking, or psychiatric injuries. Likely both. It's like a caustic brain fog. My mind still thinks of worthwhile things to do, but I cannot put it to task. Diet, Sleep, Stress, Happiness, etc. All factors too. Sometimes I just get stuck in this state and I forget what the cause and remedy is.
Marijuana Usage
I do not like to use the word *hate*. If you see me using the word *hate* - you can rest assured that I attempted afterwards to scrub my brain from such a word. I do not *hate*, I dislike. I do not even like allowing that word in my mind. However, there is one thing that I absolutely do *hate*. That one thing is Marijuana. I do not like being anywhere near that stuff, nor do I like being around people who have been consuming such. Pagan Plant Worshipers. You can claim whatever you want, you are all the same to me. If you argue that, you are in denial.