Writing is good and it’s bad.

I know my words get misconstrued.  I know I sent you an email stating the renovations went too far.  They didn’t go too far in the way you think.  A clean slate is always best.  I can explain everything, it’s just I don’t have the opportunity.  The renovations did go too far, because I broke some personal rules on working at the end, just the way the dynamics were with everything.  At work I always completed one step at a time in a system, I was doing that at home and then….  It came apart. The renovations just got worse when I was suicidal.  There’s very valid reasons, thing are not completed and there’s understandable reasons but unacceptable perhaps.  I tried to clean it up so it would better for my mother.  By the way, you have no idea what that experience was like having her accept that I was going to kill myself while I walked her through what she needed to know afterwards.  She actually accepted that I was going to kill myself.  They all did, they were concerned that they were in legal trouble if they didn’t tell anyone.  I’m not sure that I can say they were concerned for me.  In fact, they might have wished I did in some ways.  One thing I was concerned of was an investigation and what would happen to them.

Anti-depressants?  I think they played a role in a lot of things.  But how do I sell that?  My doctor was surprised I quit them cold turkey but he said that wouldn’t make me suicidal.

I don’t want to explain much more unless I am given the time to.  I feel like I don’t have the time to explain much of anything, I am just set up against overwhelming odds.  If I am not mistaken, I asked the police to charge with me everything they had in an email.  Going down, I may as well go down but I didn’t think I’d be reading much of what I am.  Then however, I am not surprised as I know them.  I can only blame myself for some of that I suppose.  Much of what I read in the file is exaggerations, there are outright definite lies and there are some truths, but again some of them are completely blown out of proportion and even sold in misleading ways.  The big thing is their part in it, they completely avoid what made this or that happen.  My intent is to be truthful in everything, I’m just worried on the words and the body language I will display on the stand.  I am the one that hides from them, not the other way around.  The PMPD even knows that, it was written to them.

I am not a threat to anyone, I want to be clear about that.  The threat is to me, as in I don’t have what I need to operate and climb out of this and in the future I will not be able to live with that.  People take a lot of things for granted.  You can look at me like a little company that has to meet all kinds of demands.  It’s actually costs money to make that $40/hr.  People don’t comprehend that.  It also takes constant effort to keep everyone working for me as much as I am working for them.  It’s so easy for my work life to snowball.  I don’t know if they’ve stolen anything from me, but losing tools will kill me inside if I find a way out. The laws are not completely fair.  It’s like my hands, it hurts enough with the things I have had to sell in the past.  I need more tools than most I know with the way I have to work.  Even the Government screws me on allowances tax wise.  I just shake my head on what they think is right.  I go by employment if I can because it’s better for both of us, even though I end up paying more taxes.  Other people are able to write off far more than me, 2015 was the first year I was going to write off my phone.  It’s absolutely a prerequisite, especially where I am working.  My bills were very high this last year.

One other thing I need to clarify.  I said to Pam, “It’s in me” when talking about Rod Schwan, she could see my emotions in my eyes and she was deeply concerned, I think that’s near when she cut off the conversation.  What I was referring to what she doesn’t know, is that it’s in me to be well balanced and full of foresight.  Ahead in conversations, I can’t describe it better than that at the moment.  I have too many things on my plate.  My friend Erik always encouraged me to get back to being like that, but it’s something that’s not easy to find and it’s a lot of work to stay on top of.  I am not sure I can find it on that level again.   Rod taught me a lot of things and I took it as far as I could, we were very close, yet I didn’t follow him.  He ended up “dropping” me so to speak, because of that house.  He tried to pull me out of it too (needs more explanation). I could have rented an apartment for $300 when I was 20 or 21, I wanted to then but I became concerned.  I could feel that the house wouldn’t be there and before I knew it, the decision was made in me to stay and help until I got stronger.  The funny thing was, I knew before hand I needed away from them all.  Everything seems like a catch 22, even now…  everyone thinks I should just be gone, all that is for me is trading problems that are too overwhelming.  I need to build up before I can go and I’m not even sure just walking away is right.

Anyways, I look at these files and I think…  I’m completely screwed because they make me look like I am nuts.  The PMPD has a lot more information than they’ve presented in their case.  A lot of what they’ve offered should be contradictory.  I don’t know, maybe for some reason they don’t internally share files but that doesn’t make sense.  I’m just overwhelmed because its so hard for me to explain 40 years of history and how one thing leads to another Psychologically.  I know it, but to explain it….  My life tends to…  it’s just funny the way it is sometimes.  Even what Owen James provided me seems like a perfect set up.  I’ll explain later and refer to this if I have to.

Thank you for your offer of another session.  I just have no time and I don’t think it will help.  I can’t miss any hours at work and things keep landing in my path preventing me from working.  A continuous cycle.

Regardless of what happens, thank you.

Dan Berladyn