From: Dan Berladyn [mailto:dberladyn@gmail.com]
Sent: February 22, 2016 12:18 PM
To: Mogk, John Philip <JohnPhilip.Mogk@fraserhealth.ca>
Subject: RE: Diagnosis, the System, Legal Affairs, Etc.
Hi John,
I had a hard time falling asleep last night.
Fate always seems to have a way of screwing me over. I need a centralized means to write and sort my life, but things beyond control keep preventing that from happening. I need that for every reason, health, Legals, friends. It feels defeating.
Everytime for years life's been like this. I bought a laptop to leave the house and write, the keyboard wouldn't work. It seems simple, get it fixed but it's never the case in the actual moment.
I'm glad to be at work, often, but not always it's therapeutic for me. I can't work the way I used to, but work usually helps set me free. I'm worn out though. Too many years of pushing my emotion here.
One of the things I wanted to share with you was a disorder. My good friends think there's something because of the way my mind works and what it needs. I started writing my actual theories at a place I can continually update and refine while sharing but it's not working now. Technology, it really helps but it cripples me when it fails.
I'm concerned about court. In many ways I'm set up for failure. I'm removed from my home and the things I need to defend myself. I have a feeling it may go like the RTB conference did. I won't sleep, I'll be a mess and I'll perform poorly. Verbally, on this exact matter something in me will mentally block me or a personality type of disorder will give off the wrong communications.
It happened the day the two officers took me home from the hospital. What is true to me is deeply true to me but in communicating it, I give off the wrong signals. I can somehow smirk and come across either immature or not serious. The issues here were all very serious for me throughout the years. Especially getting established and on solid ground. If court goes the way I fear it will, or all the coming events I will be irrecoverable. I've been taken from too much and Ill blame myself.
Perhaps the world can tell me that I am wrong, but I often find people give advice and make statements that are intended well and may work for most people, but not for me. I find the things people say usually make the speaker feel better than I feel hearing the words. People don't see the details I know. My friends mom is a good example, she completely gets it and says this is unforgivable. Her own son doesn't comprehend it. They both known me since I was three and a half.
On that topic, one of the officers stated you are only 40, this is it, walk away and rebuild your life now. He has friends who are drywallers and carpenters. You can do it your young he says. That's a common misperception in regards to my own psychology. I've had too much taken out of me and I knew the way I am at twenty. I knew then I was done if I landed in this spot. Perhaps that's why I take everything so personally.
I wanted to explain this better but I cant. If things can't be balanced properly for me, I'll likely be a suicide in the coming years. I can't explain, but it'll be too painful. I've already been through more extremes than I'd wish on anyone. I don't need a trip to the hospital or psychological evaluation, I just need what I need.
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