On December 24th or so, I had wanted to write my (former) pen pal. I wanted to tell her the parts of her argument that were right in my view. This without veering into where I feel that she is wrong. I wanted to share with her a picture of my 25th birthday and explain my relations with women to that point. I couldn't find the picture and I have to re-scan it. My scanner is not working at the moment so I put if off until today.

Of course I have got busy with improving my immediate life and I don't have the time, energy and the attachment has waned. She finally changed her picture a little while back and that made feel that perhaps she was feeling the same way. I wish I would have wrote her as there seems to be a time limit with this stuff. This make up stuff, or at least the opportunity to make amends.

I am too cluster-@#$%'ed with too many hindrances to prioritize her now, but if I am feeling that too much time has passed she probably is too. Which in the end is probably good for me. It was time consuming the amount that we would spend on each other. Especially for me as I am not young anymore. I do not have the same drive and energy that she does. Especially with so much to deal with.

Christmas. Thirty-five(35) years ago would have been our second Christmas. I cannot believe how good we had we had had it. Two Christmases. One at home like normal. Then one with the extended family. That was always fun for me. There wasn't really gifts, but that doesn't matter. It was the warmth of seeing so much extended family. The excitement and that favourite Ukrainian food I liked.

I always forget the name. I know what it is and someone finally gave me the appropriate name for it, but I forget what it is called. I would love so much to go back. I remember dad driving us all back home one night. I remember my thoughts as I sat on the booster seat between my brothers. It's funny how much a child knows about his own future. If I could go back...

If I go back I would kick Simon in the nuts for teasing me about being Ukrainian. I started taking some pride in my identity and he kicked me down. Simon was always good for that. My brother's would do it and I just as I would learn to recover and shrug them off, he would sense my prior weakness or something rather and kick me down again. Simon. That's Simon.

Thinking about my brother's ridicule and his over exaggerated claims tailored to meet his desires, he speaks of nothing. I am thinking of Simon and his mother. Those two, I am laughing. I am suppose to be this really bad son according my oldest brother. How Simon talked to his mother when we were young, wow! She'd give it back to him too at times, but I've been very unfairly painted for most of my life.

On to the point of this post, which incidentally I meant to make in brief points as I am tired and I need sleep, I now how what I had not had in roughly thirty-five years. I have a bedroom that is set up semi-properly. My oldest brother used my trust and eagerness to please him to swindle me out of my bed and my bedroom furniture. He's been at his game for a very long time.

I finally have a normal bedroom setup. I can reach the bed from both sides. I can make the bed properly, I am not crushed in to a corner trying to please everyone. The bed even faces the same way as it did thirty-five years ago. There's even a television in the same spot as mine was thirty-five. I was the only one with a tv in his room back then, and that probably pissed everyone else off.

I have spent the last couple of days while snowed in taking care of things I have needed to take care of. People do not realize, nor they care about all the problems I am dealt. Just everywhere I turn in life is a problem that should not be there. My bedroom is not the only thing that I have improved. From the point when I came home in 2018, I have had nothing for a kitchen. Not even a proper sink.

My life is so cluster-@#$%'ed, it can be impossible to do one thing without being hampered by another. Renovations here froze in 2013 as I hit person limits financially that became impossible for me to psychologically deal with. Then as I entered a stage of collapse and near suicide (brought about by siblings, fraudulent doctors, etc), things got a little worse.

Then I recovered and found myself the target of other people's aggression. That's caused me to nearly drop dead. Requesting help from the police and "mental health" FRAUDS only ended up with me obeying ridiculously stupid unfathomable instructions which completely finished off my life and eventually left me in the streets penniless just as I knew would happen.

Returning in very poor health, it's just been impossible. However, since I have had peace as of late and I have been able to manage a some maneuverability, let's deal with this problem. Let's try for some better organization. My home is a mess. All my personal belongings are broken, looted through, stolen, or lost. There is not really anything I have any longer that is not damaged from the damages other people have inflicted.

People take so much for granted when they are trying to access me. Anyways, I now have a bedroom that I am happy with. I now have a kitchen area that is ten times more use able. Same as always, I just need more time, energy and resources. Importantly, I need the peace that I require to assemble my life and try to make the best of what there is to make the best of.

Which is something that I don't really want to write too much about. People seem to have an agenda of wanting to hold me down. As my now deceased cousin Dianne put it: "They do not want me to succeed". That was actually a good summary. She pegged that one pretty good because I have been surrounded in that all my life. I need get organized. I need a functioning "office" back.

If you have food, sleep and your basic needs met, it's easy to say do this and do that. My health, while it is improving, it is shot. I no longer wake up at 4:30 in the morning. I no longer have drive, energy, determination, nor the means to carry out any real plans. I can only bounce through life day to day doing whatever makes sense in the moment. Right now that organising my home.

Simple for a reader, but once you realise exactly how poor that I have been, how I no longer sleep properly, how I am living in a renovation that is ten years old. It was ten years ago that this project was started and if you knew the actual history here first hand, you would now exactly how stuff like this happens while other people try to bully, cheat, manipulate and steal their way into controlling your home.

I might look like the most nuts guy in town as some people would conveniently want me painted as, but the truth is that I have probably handled many things better than others could in these shoes. Of course, the inverse is true as well. Others might actually handle all of this better, but then they wouldn't be the type to hold what has been so important to my person at heart.

Anyways, same old story. I need more time. I want to stay home and keep going on this stuff, but I am also suppose to be on a job. There's been too much snow for the latter. One step at a time. Speaking of that, eventually I would like to write some history here. I really have to juggle what is important. It is even worth it now? If you knew my inner thoughts and my outlooks, expectations of the future,...

It's really sad actually. It's too bad I wasn't able to write satisfactorily all the way through, and even up to this point. You might think that that is something, but it's not. Not when you have no stability, trauma everywhere, no resources, no support, fluctuating health, dangerous impoverishment, people added unnecessary and undeserved stresses, and yada yada.

On the same token, I have to say: Have I ever fallen. I now do things I would never do before. I wouldn't allow myself. Especially at work, or to do with work. There you go World, you wanted to suck someone down to your levels. Well you got it. I used to be so disciplined with key things to do with work and now I am just like so many other "chumps". Don't ever point out my flaws, look at your own.

Which really is a great deal of the problem here. Everyone has been faulting me left and right while rarely, if ever, looking in the mirror at themselves. I need to get to bed. I cannot keep writing, and once again, none of this really came out the way I wanted to. Anyways, I am just happy to have a bedroom that is laid out and organized in a manner that I like, and to boot.. I finally have a bedroom with heat.

Christmas bonus.