I found this today. HIS Marbles. I have a lot to write about sometime, but in the meantime I appreciated finding this.

I was abused then too. It's really sick actually. I had an employer to me once that it's not my fault. He never clarified what exactly he was referring to, but nearly twenty years after the fact I get it. I got it then too, but it wasn't clear to me as it is now. I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind these few days. Likely all days, but without distractions and the ability to move forward, work and organise my mind is doing the same.

What exactly is moving forward in terms of the overall situation? Where my mind has been parked,... blocked and prevented from any turn,... I can never seem to meet my objectives. However, at the moment I've been able to enjoy some peace and minor prosperity which allows me make steps. In taking steps there really is no right and wrong answer at the nut and bolts of things, as long as things are moving in a beneficial direction.

Finding dad's marbles... that's making me have to look for other options. Anyways, while others were loud and proud to loot through his belongs, I was quiet, completely swamped in problems given by those people and I took dad's marbles, a cheap flashing die (dice) I had teased him about, and a screwdriver set. Was there another item? There might have been. I am tired today, but regardless it wasn't much.

What dad really gave me was someone who was there for me, no matter what, at any cost. That is a lot more than I can say for other people. My father tried to be a good father. He tried to be a friend. He tried to be helpful. He tried to guide and teach. He didn't just try, he did. My father tried to stand up straight and be a man. Unlike the others, I seem to have first hand knowledge regarding certain things.

Dad always said that you are a better man not to fight. However, thinking about the certain people and the things that they have said towards my father, thinking again about those employers words, thinking about I did blame myself, it is my fault. I have said that lots to myself. It's my fault that I didn't punch a certain somebody out a very long time ago. By not doing so, I taught that piece of shit to be a douchebag.

I have often thought throughout the years that it my fault that my oldest brother is as fucked in the head as he is. As a neighbour said recently, my oldest brother doesn't think he's doing anything wrong which is the problem. He has learned to abuse, manipulate and take. He learned that first from me. I was too young, too small, too underdeveloped and dad had too much on his plate from real world problems.

Mom's easy. She's stupid, as my sister says. Who is controlling and manipulating her? What just blows me away is the State endorsement. It just constantly comes to my mind. The State endorsing and empowering the coercion and the manipulation of an elderly citizen for personal gain. Even my sister's boyfriend is in on it. There is absolutely no way that "government employee" doesn't know what's he's been doing.

Quite a long time ago I had had it run through my mind, no one should be coming here, or enriching themselves from this house and this situation, without the Blessings of the Son. The oldest is NOT my Father's Son. He's a Son of a Bitch who laughs at his father, putting him down, and.. making a really bad attempt at acting as the "Man". If was "The MAN" he would not have let here laughing at the apparent ill fate of my parents.

If he was a "MAN" he wouldn't have continually tried to kill his younger brother by "TAKING HIS LIFE".