This is the worst part about getting to know someone. Re-learning how to be without knowing them. Even just as friends over the internet it is the same it seems. I could use a friend, but at the same time I do not think I want to invest all that energy in trying to explain who I am. Not only that, but... not many people are well enough listeners, nor care enough to accept certain things.

I could have grovelled for her back and apologised, but that would just mean we'd go around in the same circles and have the same issues over and over again. I am not in the position to convey my points on the topic properly. I am not in the position to jump through the required gymnastics as I am starting to recall with girlfriends of yester-years and she is too young to have the wisdom of older ladies.

I am not heart-broken, I am not sobbing, at least I am not meaning to. I am just hung over something fierce today. The local women are subpar it seems. That's a whole other topic it seems. Then again it's not. They are what I fear my penpal would grow into with some of her outlooks. Yes, she is right about her stances desiring things to be equal, as those were the best relations I ever had with women.

Equal. When we BOTH balanced the scale. When we BOTH took it upon ourselves in a personal responsibility to keep the footing equal between us. However, from my experiences there has to be recognition, which I think there was with those friendships. There has to be an unspoken acknowledgement. There has to be that because nature is nature and the mechanism of such play out regardless.

I am not in the frame of mind to write this out, but those relations I speak ended for the exact same reasons as to why there has to be recognition, an acknowledgement. I don't know. I am hung over. I have tried looking locally on dating sites, but that's just a major disappointment at my age. I logged into Vk and I see the stats for the year. 2024 messages. It sure feels like more, but they were long messages. Both of us wrote lots.

Maybe I would try to find someone new to write to, but I don't want to go through the process. It also works better when it just happens. If you are looking, you are attempting to fill a void and maybe that's what I am doing. Anyways, I am glad she update her profile picture. My penpal that I write of that is. That last one she had had up there from Halloween was hard for me to look at.

She is too beautiful to physically express herself that way. Anyways, there has been several potential girls to write and get to know, but this one above was the one that I always catered to, valued, appreciated. Whatever. I just have so many thoughts. My first 'girlfriend' as I came of age I ended up rejecting because the dynamics with siblings and my mother. I should not have been with that girl anyways, and they are likely the reason I was to begin with...

But, it is thirty years on and my relationships are still destabilized the same... family dysfunctions. In spite of how much I have actually blamed MYSELF throughout the years, not everything is actually my fault. I get that more now than ever. When a boss said to me twenty years, I didn't get what he meant. Now I do.