I am old enough to realise that life has a tendency of throwing things at you. That is to be expected. If it is not one thing, it is another. However the problems in dealing with such are tremendously compounded when you are just behind the cusp of dealing with them. The hard drive failure for example. I knew that was going to happen, but I was too poor when I became acutely conscious of needing to buy a replacement. A relatively cheap fix if I only had the resources when I had had the awareness to take counter measures.
It is just constant it seems. If it is not one not going right, it is another. Teeth. I have lost three in the last three years. That is a problem that I am not done with yet. In September, I was in excruciating pain. I couldn't afford the sudden downturn, I could barely even scratch the cash together to buy Tylenol or Aspirin. It's just constant. Clear these problems and those problems pop up. Clear those problems and that problem pops up. Many things are much better now than they were a few years ago, but at the same time many things are worse.
Not being able to deal with something relatively trivial has caused other seemingly irreparable problems. Although I continue to find myself cutting really close to the wire financially, by sheer luck I seem find a way out of it. And it is luck. It has often been pure luck that was created by the hard honest efforts of many years ago. People trust in me because they know of me and respect me from former years. However, with the way life actually works and the dynamics between people, work and money being this damaged results in perpetually burning bridges.
To cut to the chase here I was at extreme low points that were new for even me just over a month ago. The territories that I have been pushed into are not even writable. Anyways, suddenly I have found myself the required peace and the opportunity to continually earn money so that I may support myself and continually try to resolve whatever issues I feel are worthwhile to continue advancing forward. What happens? Another tooth flares up and and my face swells like I have a baseball in my mouth.
Aside from doing a job that I expected to do in ten days that is now taking three weeks due to changes I have this problem. Add in all the constant recollection as I look to my past for happiness and strength, I only find myself mired in ugly memories of injustice, incompetence and likely outright corruption. The sleeplessness, the headaches, the eye aches, the toothache - combined with having to cancel any ambitions as to were I am looking forward to spending money and I just find myself mired in low spirits. Bleak outlooks, that are not all that unrealistic.
Anyways, I could never explain the amount of bogging down that I suffer from having to wear contact lenses that are so old that they are ripped and torn, or the discomfort by having to use tap water to store and insert them until l have the cash in my pocket to buy what I need. I am not looking for pity, I am trying to leave something here because even I often forget what was formerly holding me down in prior months and years. I could never write all the things I think, but I used to intentionally stock up in bulk so I never had these problems.
Guess what the quacks consider that? They consider doing such things a symptom of a disorder. It's just mind-boggling how ridiculous such claims really are. Imagine trying to claim that a hunter-gatherer has a psychological disorder because he stockpiles wood so that no matter what happens over the Winter he stays warm. It's just lunacy. Then I have recall that people outside my shoes do not understand my suffering. At my last arrest, one of the PMPD Officers was like: "So, still renovating..?" trying to make friendly small talk.
Not his fault, but what an insane comment. How could I afford to after all the ongoing damages incurred?
Moving on here, I just wanted to put a post up. There are lots of things I could write here, but mentioning my oral health and the damages / suffering thereof will probably serve as a reminder even to myself. I do not need extra problems, reminders, assaults, etc. Speaking of which, I received a letter the other day. I do not even have the luxury of a working printer to write a letter back in response. Even further, it's always something. A gift that never stops giving. I finally come to a well deserved clearing and someone else aims to put problems on my plate.
Never mind that I have been bouncing in and out of the idea that I do not want to continue living if just means a continual never ending streak of suffering and injustice. These people writing this letter are looking to get blood from a stone. The answer is the same as it always has been. I am not sure why I have paid more heed to this particular letter over others, but the result will be the same. I need a very long tenure of peace and stability to gather strength and resolve before I could ever make commitments/agreements.
Forcing any hands, or threatening to do so, is just going to send things backwards.