I am going to write this while chance permits.

If it is not one thing that is crippling it is another. Over six years ago I knew the state of my oral health. I still had Union Membership. I still had an extended Dental Plan. Even at that, I was greatly concerned about my ability to deal with my oral health. I had a personal mandate to keep $10,000 minimum as a cash float in the bank. The cash float was the recovery plan of the time to avoid requiring credit to work without hindrance in my industry.

Of course, the same driving factors that continually led me into financial trouble destroyed that cash float too. In 2015, the inter personal dynamics of this house were literally impossible. I don't even know how to word this, the cause and the effect has been perpetual. Aggressive, ignorant and completely abusive siblings were literally able to pirate my mother and do what I able to prevent in previous years.

The "fraud" of third parties. Thank's 'Doctor' Owen James. I can just see the chain reactions through time and I am getting off track here. It's not even just him, as it was the Union that led into his little game. I don't know what others people's lives are like, but in mine - everyone has taken advantage of the fact that closely related people were dragging me down trying to take advantage of me.

By 2016, the infallible City Police did the worst possible thing they could do. Even the "Health" Agency assisted the Police in doing the worst possible thing they could do. It's just mind blowing. Anyways, there went my livelihood, my credit and finances, my personal organization (drive, pride, dignity, dignity, self-worth, motivation, etc), relationships, property, every I require to maintain a certain expected functionality...

Here I am now suffering wicked toothaches. If is not one thing dragging me down, it is another. My world suddenly has felt very calm and boom. The universe cannot allow that. Let's give him incredible toothaches. Which was a problem for me when I came home in 2018 too. Homelessness did it's bit. It just destroyed what was left of my oral health. Spitting out teeth. Same thing, massive headaches and pain between recovery and court.

Last month I allowed myself to run down financially while trying to get something done that the system has not wanted to do for me in what? Twelve years? Pretty simple. If my siblings were out of here in 2009 when I first called the police, none of this would have ever have happened. If my siblings were out of here in 2003 when I began seeing that fraud, none of this would have happened.

Of course, maybe that's my fault. I could have allowed Ted, a very highly respectable foreman from work, come here and raise hell in 2006. He was so tired of seeing me abused and dealing with all those problems that it created at work that he wanted to come here and straighten everyone out. I should have. My mother would have loved him. Everyone likes Teddybear. He is such a straight shooter. Super honest. Super nice. Tough too.

It's not just my teeth that are a problem. It is my eyes. Contact Lenses. I remember in 2014 thinking that I need to get my eyes lasered so I never have this problem. I would never take time off work, so I couldn't get my eyes lasered even if I decided it that it was safe and that I should do it. In 2014, not only was a $10,000 cash float mandatory, but lasering my eyes was a near goal too.

It is critical to my ability to earn an income that I be able to see. I used have a policy of buying in bulk. I was always fearful of not having this, or not having that. Contact Lenses were certainly no exception. I constantly question my eye health. Homeless and destitute I went for what felt like a year wearing a 'Weekly' disposable set of contacts, without even taking them out of my eyes.

Now that I am at home, I managed to buy some replacements eventually, but I was only able to buy a bare minimum and they are done. They've done for a long time. I am down to one set. One of them is even torn. How good is that for my eyes? A torn contact lens? The worst part is having so many problems that everything is high priority and there is no way to manage other than to do what is seems best in the moment.

I struggle and struggle, finally I have a bit of cash to buy Contact Lenses, go to order them.. and they don't have them. It's just too much. Especially when your Mental Health is shot to shit. Where does a person get Contact Lenses if not by Mail Order from a Contact Lens distributor? I guess I should have tried and Optometrist, but that's another set of stresses that I just didn't want to deal with.

Looking an Optometrist, taking my mind off what ever else it needed to do, and then go there and deal with some "Up Seller". I avoid everyone because I do not want the mental anguish of their bullshit. Optometry, Contact Lenses and Glasses, what a scam industry. Those things can be produced for absolutely nothing, yet they have the market sewn up where they Charge Charge Charge.

Then there is my Heart. The last Physician at The Royal Columbian Hospital knew what he was doing. He knew. "How's your Heart?". This kind of abuse directed at MALES kills them all the time. The entire 'System' is such an absolute fraud. Even "Community Corrections" made reference to someone's heart blowing out. That yet another lie I was told, but it left me thinking that those words probably were do to with me and my own heart.

My heart often feels bruised. Worst at some points than others. Lately it hasn't felt very good. If I get happy and I have success and I can move forward in life I am sure that it is doing better. If I am against the grain and stalling out in a struggle, I notice the shape it is in. I will probably NEVER be able to work the way in which I used. Done. There is are many reasons why I now baby myself at work.

Heart health is one of them. I cannot just bull through problems and work like I used to. My mind doesn't have the focus, the ability to "Target Lock" onto a goal any longer, my Wallet cannot afford to buy the food(fuel) and other required things for me to just hunker down and bull through, and my heart cannot take it. My physical health is no longer there. I used to work so hard and I could never understand why other's didn't.

I used to ENJOY working hard.

This world is full of losers. Including the people who have been commenting here attempting to degrade me. I am no angel online. I have been extremely rude, very aggressive and I have done my share of bullying through the degraded mental health, jaded perspectives and whatever else. But I have done so in my own name. I haven't been so arrogant as to attack someone without revealing who I am.

How do these people know that I am not sitting here thinking of killing myself and just ending the torture, when they suddenly start commenting with devaluing bullshit? They don't. They also likely do not care. Even more, that might be some people's end games. They'd get off on that kind of thing. Driving someone over the edge to kill themselves, that would actually make some people feel 'empowered'.

It's a sad world. That's what I was thinking with some of those comments, and I was also thinking that I would not be surprised if some of those comments were coming from police 'officers'. It just would not surprise me at all. That has stuck with me. I do not know how to rationalize that, but it just seems like it would be their way of making themselves 'feel bigger'. If not them, someone similar.

I wish I could convey some of the things I want to, but I cannot. I do not know how to word them. Other than that, maybe I am wrong. Maybe some of those commentators are not police. They've been staying away. Things appear to finally be taken care of, even though.. there is no validation towards such... and if it's not taken care of, then there is always the alternative. Just end it, because it's bullshit from a bullshit world.

I forgot to include thoughts towards my mother, but there's no sense divulging personal information for scumbags to exploit. That's exactly what it feels like too. Scum involves themselves preying on a situation with your most familiar of relationships. I mean the insanity of constantly having a mind rewind and playback people's past commentary. People with their own agendas manipulating extremely delicate relations...

I feel like a grandmother, a grandparent, that has been completely exploited and left for dead. That's actually how I feel. I kept thinking that today. That I feel like my grandmother. I feel like a grandmother who has been completely used and then disregarded. Exploited is the right word. My siblings, not that I honestly want to knock them, their whole aim all my life was to exploit my person.

I love where I come from. I absolutely love the family that gifted me my life. However, my siblings... ???