A married couple that I have known for over 40 years put two days cash in my pocket on Saturday. Then yesterday I went off with a Gardener for a couple more days of living allowance. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I just want to do things and I financially cannot. This causes tension. The stress thereof tires me out. I am not in a good position. I am worn out from continually falling into this position.

On one hand I need to rest in order to mentally catch up to things I have wanted to respond to and write. On the other hand, I cannot afford to rest. My basic daily expenses are too high. There's not really much I can do at this point to change them either. Comments from others towards such only make things worse. I am tired of it. I am in a state where I just need to rest and recuperate or allow myself to gather before I can properly move ahead.

Maybe it is not important, but there are entities that I want to write. Including the started email to Fraserhealth. Lots of entities actually. Lots of logs. Lots of everything. Whether such things are fruitful or not if I decide there is a need to do so, I want to do so. It seems to be common that I want to do such things. They land in a que and they just sit while slowly disintegrating. Often there is so much I want to say that I lose the focus on the primary reasons.

Then there is work. I question as to whether that is throttled by an invisible third-party as well. Technology and Control allots something far more expansive than many people probably realise. I notice the fact that I can place advertisements and end up with a flood of phone calls. More than I want, all coming at the wrong time, while I try to leave an ear open for work. Then, at other times, there is just nothing. No calls. No interest.

Like Black and White. Night and Day. Two Opposites.

It would be so easy technology wise to just push a button so to speak and cut an individual off from income. Cut a person off in the manners that I have been seeking such. The individual would never even know. Or in the inverse, direct work his way. This stuff rolls around in my mind from time to time. I do not want to get caught up thinking about it, but the World really could be that dangerous with the technology people depend on these days.

Work. I should not be in this position. It is very dangerous for me to be in this state financially and 'mentally'.

Speaking of Gardeners, the Profession / Trade

I am kind of envious. I kind of wish I had done that at 16, 17, 18. Just bought a lawn mover and started building clientele. He has a great life. He is Free. His is His Own Man. Life is what He makes of it.