I want to marry these four girls and make lots and lots of babies.

[ PICTURE REMOVED AS IT WAS INTENDED FOR MY EYES ONLY ]

I am just typing this here for a momentary distraction, or perhaps to write about a distraction, or something rather. One of these girls is my Ukrainian friend. She has been excellent for me to chat back and forth with for almost a year now. I care about her as a friend. I do, I often find that I want to do things for her. However just to clarify my opening comment, she tells me I am not allowed to marry her friends. They are all good girls. They plan to marry their boyfriends and make babies. Good girls from how I believe them to be.

Uncle Peter always told me to find a Ukrainian girl. She'd look after me he would say. Ukrainian girls know how to look after someone like me was his message. If I had any brains, I would have been seeking high and low. I would have embraced our heritage at a much younger age. Speaking of which, it is nearly every day that I want to go back in time so I can do so many things. One of them being to write. I wish I had the lower pressure, the better health, the better financial health, the stability of my younger years. I just do not have it right now. Crippling.

I really appreciate this girl. One day if I have the time and money, I hope to write her friends. I have an idea. There is something I would like to help them do for her. Something that I think would be beneficial for everyone. I think if I approached them right, they would enjoy the idea that I have in mind. However, time, money, energy.. I am not sure I am ever going to recover it while all these girls are all young. As far as putting their picture up here, she has given me permission. I can share anything she shares with me. I try to use proper discretion.

Anyways we talk a lot. We type a lot. Sometimes I burn myself out with out with her. I think we know each other well enough now that less explanations are necessary to convey our thoughts. We often are back and forth over Males / Females. She has her opinions. I have my convictions. It is rather joyful to think about how we go back and forth over the same topic, each cemented in their relative positions. She wears me out at times. She wears me out because I am over-taxed. There is just too much ground that I want to cover legally, theologically, politically, personally, etc. I just have so much inside that I would love to bring out in an organized well written manner.

I have so many problems at the moment. I am feeling pinched. Well, not pinched but compressed. A woman like my friend here is a great writing companion. I really appreciate our dialogue back and forth. Even when it seems to slow down, or I question whether either of us is too busy with other things in life. She has been a great help to my person. Just knowing her mind. Knowing her takes. She is strong in many ways. I appreciate her view from the other side of the planet. I wish I could do things for her. We are friends. I care about her as a friend. We talk about many things, including making babies. She figures I have five years to find someone if I want to make babies.

I am glad that she told me that. It was almost a shock for to me to hear someone say that, but I probably needed someone like her to tell me that. While I am not really in a position to date, women can heal me. Women have natural abilities. That is when they are not... having the opposite effect. I am not sure how to write any of that at the moment and I am trying to get to my point here. A client several months ago, at the worst time possible, he was pushing me to get onto dating websites. Play the field. Lie, manipulate, mislead, do what ever you need to do find a woman to enjoy some moments with. It was the worst time for me to be doing anything even remotely as such.

Anyways, I did join another dating site at his recommendation and that just led to problems and drama that I did not need. I am literally fighting for my life at times, or things that are that important to me... completely drained without any resources and here I am like an idiot.. allowing women online to start messing with me. That's not very sane on my part. Regardless, I have talked some variously attractive women and that can often be good. I am still in the habit of browsing, which I figure is always healthy to do, but I am just not in the position to actually date. It's just a mute point. No money for food, gas, phone bills, etc. The idea of dating is just futile.

However, if I met the 'Right' women who likely doesn't exist it wouldn't be a waste of time.

Here I was last night talking to a show stopper. I just know from looking at her one picture that I could not deny her. She is beautiful. I find her very attractive and very wholesome in appearance. I don't even know how to word it in this health. Anyways, the conversation literally started out at babies, marriage and wonderful compliments. There might be more messages even now as I write this, but I just do not have the time and energy. Especially with what I was read when I came home and began reading her replies again. Such a beautiful, natural, healthy looking, wholesome looking, balanced girl and to read what she wrote... I just... I can only offer my reply.

Between my friend and her replies today, and the replies from this girl, my perspectives on life, marriage and eternal life... combined with everything that I feel so compressed about.. I just... I'll let you fill in the blank ending here, unless I find the energy to finish this off more appropriately. I just... I need to stay away from women and the idea of dating. It's just... futile.