I has already been over three weeks since the previous Charges were stayed (as they should have been). There has been things I have wanted to do, post and say, but it's almost too much. Finish this job, finish that job. Then do this. Now it's too hot. It's too hot and I do not want to be on the computer. I am moving forward with things that need to be done. Service the truck, get it organised and set up for work as it should have been over five years ago.

I am just about overwhelmed everywhere I turn in life. I think of of my father. I think of apologizing for things I could have said, or done better. I think of him a lot, but I don't really have time to. I hurt too much. All this time off of work was not physically good for me. My body is just not used to working. Even short days, working sub-par, it really hurts. I am extremely sore after only a few hours of work.

I am actually blown away at little I do and how much I hurt doing it. I am doing only a mere fraction of what I used to do a day or a week. A laughable amount of work. I was always thought our trade was the easier trade on a guy, but I don't know. It really hurts. It hurts a lot. Formerly, two of us would do a whole high-rise. One floor per week. Non-stop, no excuses. These days I have a hard time doing two rooms it seems.

Now I know how my favourite foreman felt. "Ow" he would say everyday. "It hurts" he would constantly claim. I am still younger than he was, but I am high mileage. I ran since I was seventeen old doing this. Did I ever used to run too. Like a dog off a leash. You get used to it. At first you fight it. You resist it. Eventually you lose. Work demands wear you down, you get broken, you reassemble, and suddenly one day you just crave to work.

Give me more. Put more hours in. Do extra here. Do extra there. Of course, that takes a body that is trained, well fed, discipline, and on, and on. There are so many things I am thinking about, but I am almost too worn out from work to expend the energy. I keep putting things off. When this job is done, I will do this. Then another job came. And then another one. I need money and I need to rebuild healthy habits more than anything else so, it is priorities.

This image came up on my Facebook today as a two year reminder. It's the only thing Facebook would let me see. I figured that I should post it because I have been wanting to post some things, and it seemed rather fitting. I picked up my tire today from the tire-shop and it turns out the new owner of the tire-shop went to school with my cousin. Not the cousin in the picture, but a cousin who I hardly knew.

I was too young. His father was my Godfather and he passed away one year after I was born. I did start talking to this cousin over Facebook, but it was too little too late. He passed away not too long after we connected. He passed while I was busy getting smoked by the legal system. It's a shame. As that is one part of the family I wish I knew. My Godfather and his son. If I had had any brains, I would have went too see his wife years ago.

She looked after me as a baby and I vaguely remember. I was simply tied down with too many issues and I worked far too much. I wish I could go back in time. The things I would do different. Which isn't really much to be truthful. I would not do anything different per say, I would just do it all better. I would be a better Son. I would embrace and follow through with all the great ideas I had had. I wouldn't be so shy, or so insecure.

Namely, I would let my extended family know that they are important to me. Every one of them. I am just struggling with the whole idea these days that I am old. That opportunities are lost. I was in Home Depot and the cashier reminded me of my bosses' daughter (25 years ago). Same frame, height, weight, etc. There she was behind the till. That was twenty-five years ago! It's just hard for me to comprehend that time is where time is at.

Of course, it's not just my father I am thinking about. It's my mother. I am thinking about her. I am thinking about why it is that I haven't said a word to her. Which brings me back to things that I need to do, and then of course all my thoughts towards this "System" and what it is really geared for. It also brings me back to thinking about all the things I need to not think about in order to move forward. However... I don't know.

I am also left thinking lots about my siblings, then the police and yada yada. Again, there are things I want to do, but I guess it's just one step at a time. Breathe, heal, recover. Maybe the answers will come (back), maybe they won't? I know one thing, if you are too saddled with problems when you need to deal with problems, things become impossible to deal with. Time not only heals all, it seals all too it seems. Or something rather.

Naturally, I also think about my cousin too. The kid in the photo. I don't care what he tells himself. He stole from me when I was in dire times. That's just a no no. You do not do that stuff to people. You could have the biggest fight with me at work... no matter much I didn't like you... I would NEVER steal your tools. That's the way I am. I likely would not steal anything from you. I wouldn't want it. I wouldn't want to. It would leave with bad energy.

The things I have been put through, and the damages, it's just unbelievable. And for what? Because other people wanted to do that to me? I didn't do anything wrong. In fact, I probably had done more 'Right' than anyone. Yet, even at that... I still want to apologise to my father. Not just my father, but all my elders. All the people who reared me. All the people from which I came. That's important stuff isn't it?

My thoughts are a little random here. As in how they are coming out of me, but you hear of messed up families. I honestly do not think our family was messed up. I think certain people made some poor decisions and they have never taken the steps to correct those poor decisions, but overall I do not think our family was messed up. I think my father loved my mother, I think my mother loved my father, and that is all that matters.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with my family. I think certain people just made bad decisions. I think much of it is natural. In thinking back to what people have said, or have been led to believe, I think society is not necessarily conducive to families. I also think the "System" and the people within it, are eager to prey upon and destroy... "the family" for motives that perhaps are best not explained just yet.

Anyways... I almost put up something here for Father's Day, but my scanner is not working. I still have the card I made for my dad when I was barely even four years old. The Best Day of my Life. I always refer to that day as such. I remember my father coming to "Playschool" for Father's Day. If anyone is reading here, I have lots to say but too much complication in following through. That's probably an accurate summary. In time I suppose.

Speaking of Father's Day... I almost told a young lady the other day that she was absolutely perfect. Just everything about her. I forgot how I old I was for moment that day. She wished me a happy Father's Day. Which did two things: 1). it made her perfect in my eyes. She recognises the Father. At least the day devoted to such. 2.) It made me realise that I am old. That I should be a Father, and that I am not a Father. Just a Wayward Son perhaps.