"Your memories from Facebook"
This was on my Facebook as a reminder from two years ago.

Canadian funny money. This must look strange to Americans. I'm happy to be making money again. Really happy. Honestly earning it. No cheating. No stealing. No using people. The guy even insisted on coming to my home and delivering it.

What I find really strange is that every time I run out of money suddenly there are things I really want to buy. As soon as I have the money, I either change my mind and do not want to buy anything anymore, or it's no longer for sale. Usually this happens the day before. The item becomes unavailable.

Strange how that works.

Money is not a sole purpose, it's not a purpose in itself. I do things for free. If I was only concerned with making money I would not do that. I would be like everyone else and cheat, cut corners and scale back everywhere I could. Maximize profits, which I do aim for, but not through 'cheating'.

You know another thing?

Cash is so much better than plastic. I don't like anything that forces me to leave a trail any longer. I don't like anything that leaves someone else in control. I don't care what people know about me as long as I am willingly divulging the information myself and that I am in control of the perspective of that same information.

The whole system, the whole world, it just wants to know and control everything about you, "for you", but it's never truly for you.

Facebook Post - June 16th, 2019

I came home in the second half of 2018, flat broke, no credit, in very poor health and I immediately ditched welfare. What they grant a person in a month is less than what I consider a day's wages. It probably wasn't too smart of me not to continue collecting, but I have had such an honest regiment at my core that I didn't want to cheat. I also could not possibly handle any further bureaucracy.

Anyways, this image is from two years ago. I have never had a continuous run of actually having money. I kept tripped just as I thought I was getting up on my feet. Whether that court cases that should not have taken place that landed right in the middle of a job I was waiting months for, or the Port Moody Police causing me tremendous grief sending me flying backwards at every interaction, or my siblings... destroying my spirit.

Things were best when I was secretly here. Mom and I worked best together at that time. She had to work hard to keep the others away, but once they found out and gradually pushed the same dynamic. I am the absolute victim here and I have been painted as the aggressor, even as recently as a few months ago. It is absolutely disgusting at what I have been through as a human being.

I do not blame my mother. I think she is a victim just like me. It is my siblings at the core. Then from there, "doctors" and police. But even they too may partially be victims of their own making. It is the Crown Office were things are decided. The Crown Office making decisions based on poor police files and on political / social decisions perhaps. They need 'aggressors' and 'victims' for their professions, just all the others involved.

I don't want to go on about that, but the amount of abuse I have been put through is beyond words and justification. There is simply no justification for the bullshit that I have been dealt. The damage to my physical health, my mental health, my financial health, my spiritual health, property, livelihood, associations, friendships, etc. it just beyond anything remotely justifiable. It is absolutely criminal. No excuses. There is no excuse.

I wish I could write out and do the things I want to do, but even though I am in better shape now in many ways, I am still far too sick. There's more important things that I want to write and do, but I am impaired from doing so. Either due to financial needs and the cycle of work (especially with all the damage), or just something. There is just something always impaling and impairing my person.

What people likely do not care to understand is that everything is different for me. Watching a few guys at work in the warehouse I was working in today, they are practically salaried people. They get bored at work and they are like company furniture in a way. They just mope and put there time in. It's not like that for me. If I do that, it hits the pocket book directly. It's just everything is much easier someways, but so much harder in others.

Anyways, it would be very nice if I could just get a clear continuous run of earning money without further damages brought about by the police or my siblings. From September 6th, until now has pretty much been an entire loss that I didn't even expect to live through. All because other people do not acknowledge my person. You can even warn them that they will kill you if they do 'X' thing, and they so ignorant that dismiss you and do 'X' thing.

The damages to me are tremendous. Especially since I am in 'recovery' and trying to pull my life back together somewhat, but with this latest nine months I am beginning to question the point of it all. I have taken so much damage and I realistically will not recover. At least that is the outlook until I see reason for that to change. So if that is the case and I only have so much time, what do I dedicate it to?

• Just enjoying what is left, which doesn't seem like much?
• Wasting time trying to correct things in a system that doesn't to want to correct things?
• Preparing for a future I am likely not going to have?

I cannot even write this properly. I also have to be mindful of thinking of someone else, and not saying the wrong things. I am not sure the point of this post, but I have suffered for an extremely long time. It has been eight years since I financially began imploding. It's been thirteen years since my sister came here and flipped this house upside down. It's been over twenty five years of my oldest brother trying to derail the purest of intents. It's just too much. Over five years of legal abuse by the criminal justice system.

The neighbour was right to say that he is surprised I am not dead yet. I should just "get over it". Ignorance is Bliss.