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I should have almost expected such. As I drove up to the Courthouse, I noted an RCMP Member and a PMPD Member who I am familiar with walking towards the Courts. That much didn’t surprise me, however I was not expecting yet another Arrest. A Catch and Release this time.

The PMPD Officer, one who I have taken less issue with in my writing to date, addressed me by my first name stating good morning, hi and how are you in that all too familiar police tone where I am then “told” that I am going to have a chat before I proceed to go into the Courthouse. From a “health” perspective the load on my being just does not let off.

It’s almost like assault. Here – you are going to carry some more weight before you go in. Wear a person down in load. She, the PMPD Officer, explained that there was an Arrest Warrant issued for my Arrest. Which gave me instant thoughts towards complete decimation. If I was incarcerated at this very moment everything would be over for me.

She went onto explain that she has already spoken to Administrative Crown Counsel who I wrote yesterday. Everything has been taken care of and that the plan was to Arrest me here and then release me. Stating that if I walked into the Courthouse right at this moment I would be Arrested (where I assumed I would face incarceration complicating issues tremendously).

The amount of variables that go through my mind with each interaction is taxing. I am then introduced to her “partner” from the RCMP who I am assuming is her Chaperone as I have asked Crown Counsel to Charge the Port Moody Police with Attempted Murder. Bureaucracy Kills. There is really no one to trust, but one. As everyone, including lawyers, are only out for themselves.

She has explained that she is going to burden my person with more bureaucracy then release me while in the attendance of a well balanced polite and friendly RCMP “Mental Health” Officer who seems rather likeable. I take no pressing issue. No issue outside of being Arrested as to what will very turn out to be everyone else’s mistake. Including the person at the root of all of this.

I am rested but tired and I have problems on top of problems on top of problems, and on and on and on. Once again, I should have expected this much considering my letter yesterday. Then again, maybe this was their plan all along. She wants to read me my Rights, give me my paperwork and send me on my way. I am concerned about being late for court, but if we do this quickly enough it shouldn’t be a problem I am told.

Reading me my Rights and yada yada, it is just draining. I am already drained and hoping to just move on after Appearing in Court so that I can try to find a way to pull out of this very dangerous financial situation. I might have to allow myself to be exploited by someone who I am already at issues from past exploitation. Naturally, I am informed about lawyers and asked questions about such which only burdens my mind with more variables and options.

For the final load on my mind, I am asked if I understand my Rights as they have been read to me. Quite typically I say no. Simply because this was a catch and release, and because there was an RCMP Member present who I took no immediate issue with, I thought I would make it easy and just say “Yes”. However, I soon wished I had said “No” just as my mind spun around all the variables regarding such. I realised that right after I answered.

The reason that I wish I had so “No” was to remain consistent. Especially in regards to things that I am Accused of that I have not done. At least things that I am not aware of that I have done. Falsely Accused. Again. I just feel this is not completely the Accuser’s fault. Human Nature comes into play here. She is led into such, and she leads herself into believing such. At least in my mind. Empowered and unaccountable. If you have done it before – you can do it again.

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Of course, maybe the “System” is truly at fault for this. Personally, I am not happy that this is happening and I know the consequences can be very serious. I blame the System because I believe it is at fault for the continued corruption going on. Not just corruption that I suffer from, but corruption that may very well deeply hurt other people. I believe that this system can be tremendously improved.

There is so much I can say, but I believe it so easy for people who never learned how to be honest with themselves, who never learned to hold themselves to account, to fall onto a path that they should have never fell into in the first place. Having said that, there seems to be a lot of people employed who assist someone like that person to fall off of the straight and narrow to begin with.

It’s only lately that I myself am concerned that I myself am falling the straight and narrow. I can only take so much burden for only long. I can only take so much burden while others continually stir the contents and add ingredients over and over again before I even have a chance to catch up to them. A lie will spread half way around the world before the truth ever gets on it’s feet.

Ultimately, I feel responsible. Just as I did on her wedding day when the groom came directly to me, cigarette hanging from in his mouth, his hand out to shake mine. I felt very responsible in that moment. I was obligated to look after my baby sister and ensure that I was doing my part before she jumped into a marriage. I felt like dad, or a dad. I felt that I failed at something tremendously important.

Which incidentally, after all of the family issues I was dealt from my oldest brother for all those years, it was impossible for me to keep an eye on my sister and the first wedding between any of us. I was continually saddled with tremendous issues of my own and there was only so much I can hold myself responsible for. As a boss had previously explained to me about fathers and daughters – I was glad to be rid of her.

Except for the guilt. It’s always been there. It’s always my fault. I could have done better. I could have been a bigger man, I could have done this at X point in time. I should have done more and etc. etc. This moment regarding her wedding has haunted me over and over and over so many times. It is this many years later and it still haunts me. Just as offering my sister a cigarette did 30 years ago. I felt shame for that.

There are so many thoughts I could write out. Here is an “Officer” burdening a person with more and more bureaucracy of “Probation” directives and such as she (in)advertently belittles a person like myself with it all. All while holding a fixed position of assumed higher ground. I say that Sam, because that is how it feels and it is definitely insulting. However, not necessarily you.

The whole situation in general. The whole concept of a Police Officer Arresting my person and the nature of such, while looking down from an assumed authoritative position perhaps. An entity adding further complications and bureaucratic controls to someone who has been so abused by the prior impedance of such. As a person who absolutely needs every feather lifted immediately prior to impending collapse within the next day or two.

“I don’t trust you” – I remember those words were spoken to me by a certain somebody while I was handcuffed in a hospital with a wingnut of a psychiatric nurse dictating to me “Tell it to the Judge“. What a small-balled little weasel he looked like and I still have not written that night out properly and posted it here. Aren’t you going to feel great to find out that you are wrong Sam, and the situation is quite the inverse.

Times and Dates. I love how dates feel in the moment given. Often they feel like they are cherry-picked to meet the purposes of other select parties. I might be wrong about that, but that’s how it felt at the time. Everyone knows where I will be at such and such day, such and such time. Timestamp of the Arrest Warrant tells me that it came after my Letter was Delivered to the Crown Office.

The RCMP attendance was good, I am glad that I asked for his card. I am just now realising at this writing that perhaps my assumption is wrong. Perhaps that is not the PMPD Officer’s chaperone as I was wanting to first see him as, but perhaps that is her liaison to another File in another location. Which makes sense. This just never ends. I cannot even do what I wanted to do today as I want to write this out.

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Too much. I need time to recuperate too. Finger printing, yet again. I am not going to bother thinking about it, but how many times do I need to be finger-printed? I mean seriously, it’s getting rather tiring and quite honestly it’s almost comical. You have done so how many times now providing lots and lots of man-hours for yourselves. I understand that there likely very practical reasons for it, but all I can do is accept while knowing that others have little understanding of my own situation.

Completely clueless, that I cannot even meet my food, fuel, insurance, operating needs, and habits that must be funded..

Which isn’t surprising actually seeing that this same Arresting Officer right now in this very moment today cost me $2000 several months back. I am not going to totally blame her for that, but at the same time she could have just simply emailed instead of showing up late at night demanding that I talk her while I was just about to do something else that I had to do. She asks for contact information… Email. You may Email me. As I really do not need anymore sudden psychological hits to my health for the needs of others.

And yes Sam, you do have my email address and yes Sam, you were the last one that didn’t reply. Just as I stated. At least that is what my email history shows, verifying my memory.