I owe these members an apology. I made a mistake. I misheard their comment towards trying to call and I later misrepresented their words in a Facebook comment. I feel bad for that. I do not like making mistakes. I didn't just discredit them, I discredited myself by doing such which was huge fear of mine since day one.
Honestly, I think I am so jaded from reading lies in files, along with being so tremendously overburdened in terms of resolving anything that... it's next to impossible for me. If it is impossible for me, it is impossible for everyone else.
Overall my impression of them was very good. For the first time, I almost just came outside to talk to them right off the bat. I think the only reason I had not done so was because I just had my last cigarette. I was out of money, and I was soon facing mental collapse. I was just trying to stay calm and use the last of my mental stability to seek a solution. Then they showed up.
I know I was hard on the one member about the language bit, but on the other hand they do not really understand the shape that I am in. I am constantly one step away from suicide. I am constantly against the odds. I am constantly exhausted. I was not pleased to see them show up as I had immediate personal problems to attend to.
In my perspective, they were just eating up the last touch of stability. They do not know, but a good thing for any of them to do would be show up with cigarettes. When I was a Union Organiser I nearly gave up smoking, but it was actually very useful for finding ways in with people. Have a smoke with them. I don't expect them to smoke, but it is a great in for people who do.
I demanded Victim Services from the RCMP over Facebook as I know my situation. I know how close I am to the edge. I know that I am very near suicide all the time. I eventually pull away from the danger zone, only to find myself thrown right back into it as I am simply too weak. I have too much damage. Life is almost painful every single day, and I was right - I have to fix the system before I can ever fix myself.
Anyways, they were good overall and if I did have cigarettes, I probably would have came outside and just had a relaxing conversation. No fault of theirs, they did well but.. I suppose it is hard for others to comprehend the internal damage to another person. The invisible damage. It's sad, but often times we've been so close like today.. so close to constructive dialogue.
I can fault myself here more than them perhaps, but then I also know the overall shape that I was in. I am too poor to go to work. Even if I have money to go work like anyone else may envision, it actually takes money to avoid the pitfalls surrounding my trade and the people I may deal with. The trades are an art to navigate at the best of times.
If you are weak and around the wrong people, they just prey upon you. It takes financial strength to avoid abuse. With my years in, with all the hard work, and all the agony work wise I have been through, I cannot mentally handle the wrong environments anymore. I have so many aspects to be mindful of in regards to building myself back up.
Anyways, over all I had a good impression of these two. They did well, but again for me I think just simple dialogue over text would be so much better. Of course, that is all timing too. I have to be willing, they have to be willing. Tonight as I write this I am very tired and I feel very remorseful for my words, but then if I read files and when I see what is written I want to call everyone criminals.
A sampling of Social Media comments made to government entities this day:
Odd, I know I asked, and then I demanded Victim Services. I'll have a screenshot somewhere, but it's the same old story, guys are not allowed to be "Victims".
I prefer to hide her name, but she doesn't really feel I need to.
THE POLICE ARE REJECTING MY EMAIL
Even more importantly, is the date they had done such. Are we back to these games?
Subject: Mail delivery failed: returning message to sender
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