I leave the house for a walk and on the way back I see the police pulling out which makes me think they are tracking me, hounding me, or whatever they think they are doing again, who knows. Forget it I think. It just plays on my mind because it seems they would rather waste their time doing stuff like that, than what I had suggested. Right Cst. CLEAVE?

Whatever. Kill City Residents. No One Cares. Right Jimmy?

When I get back the house doesn't seem as I left it. I had bit of strange trouble getting inside. Weird. That plays on my mind too. Like what did they do, mess with the locks while I went for a walk? The cops that is. If it is not as you expect when you get back, what would you expect in my shoes? I just had to mentally force myself to chalk it up to the idea that I somehow did it myself. By brain is too tired, as I have been without a proper sleep cycle for some time now.

After I get inside, and I am starting to write this, guess who shows up?

The very people who tried to kill me. The respect level here for my person feels rather non-existent. At first I am not sure what to make of it. I read such a thing as it has historically has been. An intentional escalated affront to my health / my future / my existence. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing I begin to think. I can ignore it if I choose. I can see it differently as perhaps there's a positive here, but at the end of the day, this is the same old same old.

No Respect. No Remorse. No Regret. Right Jimmy?

However, I am tired and I am thinking that maybe I see positive opportunity here or something rather. As I get to this point, I remember that I am not witnessing the same thing that they are. I am not dealing with that specific problem which is probably not easy. It wasn't easy for me when I able to allow it to occupy my thoughts. I haven't even had the capacity to think much about it as I have been too burdened with far too many other problems that I cannot even begin to explain at the moment.

A neighbour had said to me today that he cannot believe that I am still alive. That's what he said. I cannot believe that you are still alive going through all this stuff non-stop. Then he went onto explain the things that should be biologically killing me. I thought you better stop. I do not need that information. I do not need, nor want to hear that. That is not good for my health. That is not good stuff to be rolling around upstairs.

I did tell him that I wish I could record that comment for sharing. He almost seemed willing to restate it, but I won't do that. For me it has to be natural or it is of no use. It has to be unplanned, unscripted, from the heart so to speak. It has to just flow or it's fake worthless. Anyways who knows what's going on, never me. No one would ever want to grant me the dignity of knowing what is going on. That is not their style, it never has been.

Then the phone rings. Someone who can help me with me immediate needs, needed help that he would have paid me for. Which so many other times got all messed because there's too much on too little of my own personal plate. It is always that way. I could not afford to blow this friend off so I took the call while slowly opening up with whatever was going on elsewhere in this house. Which, always has the tendency of making who's assistance I need, distance from me.

Anyways, after ten minutes they left so who knows. I thought it might be because they realised I was here. Same old pattern as he drives away. He has do this little stance with his truck. It's just pathetic. It really is. I am not wishing to stir the pot here, but it is just pathetic. He's a goof. He really is. He's all show. I shouldn't kidd myself, it's all the same crap. He has no respect, no remorse and no care. It's all about him stealing status from everyone else. My sister, she did look a little remorseful or something rather. I am aware that she had to see someone.

Once again, I am the last to know anything. Everyone who has involved themselves here in this situation has almost intentionally fucked everything this house on purpose for their own gains. For my siblings that is normal. The police however? And then all the other clowns everywhere else? I just have flashbacks of pieces of shit dictating to my person who quite honestly, have absolutely zero right to, especially without actual comprehension of the actual facts.

The same neighbour this morning, he is really good at describing what the police and all these other people really are. He's really really good at it. I don't even want to hear it from him. I just feel a sickness with an ugly reality with his words. He just shows me exactly what they really have been doing here at this house, the how, the why, the everything. Total scumbags. No Respect. No Brains. No Care. Utter Trash.

I do have to admit however, I have noted inklings of some of the better ones trying. Attempts. It is not easy for them, I get that. Especially now that has been made into such a mess by such a complete and utter moron. In some ways I can almost see it as a cultural thing in a way. These younger guys trying are younger and they don't know the older standards, or mentalities, or things to ??? I don't know if the right way to say that, but something is missing I find.

Maybe it is simply RESPECT. This is has been a home for fifty years, since it this area was built, in era of family. In an era of more wholesome appeal / endeavour. I concluded the the other week that perhaps it is family mentalities. No one has families like the old days. I suspected that perhaps a lot of people involving themselves here were from broken families, divorces, single parent households, etc. It makes a big difference in society. At least in my view.

I was very lucky to come from the family that I did. Which reminds me, there is a stark difference between us siblings in terms of how we think of our father. When it comes to that kind of stuff, if you know what I am writing, it is all true. All of it. Love your Father. Thank Him. Respect Him. Acknowledge Him.

Family, growth, life. I myself am missing key life character developments. Without having kids, I am missing something extremely important myself. I have watched so many friends go through it. I have watched them grow and become far more evolved people in some sense.

Anyways, I can only conclude they came here to Take things. Which is really nice. You have to know what my oldest brother is really like. I can see what's most likely happened. Like I said, the respect level here is pretty low. Jenn OHASHI you are the dumbest piece of shit there ever was. You and HUNTER. Well, recently I even wanted to add CLEAVE into that mix.

Never trust a cop a friend said yesterday. She's right actually, they lie.