One of my best friends, my first friend, he wished me a happy birthday today. We haven't talked much because all this bullshit with the Courts.

He is such a good friend he opened his wallet a few years ago and basically said spend whatever you need to. I stopped him and cut myself off because I could see that it wasn't going to work; that I'd be unable to pay him back from the position I was in and that it would ruin our friendship. Which in a way it has. I haven't wanted to see until him, until I have paid him back...

He told me he's not worried about that but still, it's personal pride, loss of face, dignity, self-respect. Every time I have come close to thinking I am going to pay him back this month, or whatever.. boom.. I am derailed by some government entity somewhere, somehow. It's actually right out of control and I am not the only one that feels that way.

Anyways seeing him wish me a happy birthday nearly made me want to cry because there is something that I want to share with him. Something is affecting me more than I think it is. It is something out respect for the person's wishes that I am not suppose to speak of. Someone in a situation that is not a very good place to be and it doesn't look good.

Then I have all these court affairs, which is already far too much as it is without that added factor.

Bail / Probation, it only serves to incapacitate someone. Pin them down. Burden them. Wear them out. In my case, it's very dangerous thing to attempt to do me because of the already incurred damages and the struggle to improve my over-health and gain momentum has been very slow.

It's almost like Murphy's Law, the work that I need to improve my situation seems to be very available, yet I am incapacitated from taking much of it. If wasn't burdened with these Charges, or made ill by other factors (which I won't mention at the moment), the work would not be there.

Anyways, I have felt very sick today without enough sleep while continually noting that I am sliding behind my own goals all throughout the last two weeks. As I keep readjusting plans in order to compensate I fall behind them too. I'll look back in six months and say this doesn't make sense, but I know for a fact it is reality.

External party's events kept pushing me off of what I need to do. If it is not that, it is a lack of sleep or emotions that need to run there course so that the plate clears and I can move forward. Stress does not make things easier. Next to a lack of money, or a lack of sleep, it is probably the worst enemy I have. Any of us.

I decided to phone the Bail/Probation Office so that I may keep my own given word from the other week. I was feeling too sick to really think about it at all, but I decided that I am going to call her and keep my word to her. I did that for myself, not for anyone else. Keeping my word used to be a really big thing with me.

I left a message that probably could have been recorded better on my part, but I said what I needed to and then I headed out the door. My third trip back to the same job today. I just want it off my plate. Done and out of the way. As I was leaving the phone rang, I assumed it was the Bail/Probation Office and it was.

Rather than upset myself, I will get to it later I thought. Well that wasn't till I got back home. I started feeling that I am just going to have to call it out for what it is, corruption of justice. If they are making me ill and keeping me mentally tied down then I cannot defend myself and the Crown along with these ridiculous courts get to just RAILROAD someone again...

Anyways I already feel like they've already corrupted the legal process as they have impaired me. It would be less of a deal for many healthier, but considering my overall health, what I have already been through, the fact that the police don't even investigate properly.. (in my view), and that I am representing myself as a single nearly destitute person against the unlimited funds, experience and labour of the government...

As you can see there was no message left, no instruct to challenge, and as long as it left like that - I might recover in time for court, but I probably have too much of a mountain that I want to push against and not enough energy, clear thought, nor time.