The best thing I have ever done in my life is turn to my father and tell him that I love him. Since that moment I can say that without hesitation while breaking into instant tears. I love my Father with absolutely no shame and I appreciate every single tear that I shed for him. It actually feels good to hurt so much at the thought of him.

Thank you Dad. Thank you for everything you had ever done for me. I know for a fact, he would have had given his life in a heartbeat for any one of us. He proved that to me over and over leaving no doubt. He was always there for me. All I ever had to do was ask. He always tried to the best of his abilities. He always encouraged me to talk to him and he was always right.

My father suffered greatly. He hurt. He had a hard life. I love him for it.

What a father passes to a son is perhaps between a father and son. I am not sure in this moment. I have just been meaning to write something towards him. I have been wanting to tell him that I am sorry for all of my failures. I am sorry that I have not grown to be a bigger person. I am sorry that I have not done more with my life.

I am sorry that we were all not there for you with greater conviction. I know the things you wanted. I know what happened. As your third son, as your youngest son, I look back and I often wish that I learned to use my position in the family to correct the mis-directions of others. You apologised to me for how things turned out, I apologise to you in return.

I know my father to be a father. I know my father to want to the best for all of us. I know my father to be eternal in his love. Tonight I remembered that he came to me in a dream after his passing. In that dream I knew he made it. He is right where is he is suppose to be. I just wish I was writing the things I was meaning to say.

I am tired, yet I want to climb higher. I want to pull my thoughts together and do him right. He told me often that I would miss him when he's gone. I do, yet at the same time I am never without him. I carry my father within me. I love my dad. I love my father. I am my father's son. I am his living will and testament. He told me that he wanted me to be an Executor of His Will.

I am not sure what I should reveal here, but he legally pulled me off such a title. He did that because he knew what was coming for me. He knew it would be too much and he was right. I do not need a piece of paper anyways. I have his instruct - passed from father to son as it should be. His last command is truly the most important. I thank him so much for it.

My sister at that time, she told me that she was confused. She asked dad what was going on with me. He actually gave her the best answer that he could. I was just going through something. That was all. What he probably knew as well, was that I as about to really go through something. When he passed, the Union Hall sent everyone out to all the bridges one day looking for me.

That was not an easy period that I should have written about a long time ago. My father passing, and all the events triggered around such was extremely hard on me. To make things worse, my grandmother went soon after asking me to go with her, clutching my hand. I was her favourite. She always told me. I love you too Nana. One day I will do something for you.

I am sorry dad, I wish I was able to do so much more. I really do. I wish I wasn't such a turkey. Isn't that what you used call me at certain times, a turkey? I knew. I knew from such a young age. I knew so many things from such a young age. Two very important vivid dreams outlining my entire life. Thank you for sitting up with me for the first.

I knew that was really hard for you to be woken up really tired in the middle of the night, but thank you for sitting up with me. It was probably even harder on you as you tried to comprehend what I was telling you. It's just amazing what a child picks up. How did I know all of that? That must have been hard on you.

My sister always seemed to think that I had a good memory. Quite frankly in many ways I do. Memories are very important to me. It's actually one thing that I am very upset about. My memory is much less vivid. Much less instantly accessible after all the trauma after trauma that I have been through. It upsets me every time.

Anyways this isn't about me, it is about my father. I just wish that I was expressing what was building up within me. I am tired. I have already expended a lot of words elsewhere. I am emotionally drained at the moment. I have lost my track of conveyance. Good Memories. Thank you for all the trips dad. Thank you for showing me the World.

Thank you for encouraging me to be free. Thank you for my life.