Her Majesty the Queen,

'I would like to speak to the Man in Charge'  

I would like to speak to the Man in Charge.  Although this began as a humorous thought, that opening comment is about the Truth of it all.  The  Man in Charge.  That is the way of the Father, the Son and the Spirit.  I can apply that statement across multiple interpretations and scenarios, but perhaps I should apply it only to myself, to me.  The man in charge of my life. Of course, even talking to myself is difficult without resources in ever unstable external environments.

Last night, rather than ensuring I secure a bed at the Salvation Army, I continued maximising the available time at the Public Library.  A change that I have been doing as of late, placing my ability to use my computer to organize and sort information over the risk of not securing a bed.  A task in which I always I leave out the best details in the flood of information available.

Afterwards, I made my way to the local weekly Friday night food truck seeing I had not eaten in two days.  It was different this time around.  They have a fancy brand new truck. The volunteers were more inclined to keep to themselves and in a subtle disappointment, they were not as generous as usual in giving out more than the premade ration per person as they usually are.  No coffee as well, but I was actually ok with that.

Suddenly it started raining.   I became trapped in the rain.  I slept for a short duration under an awning. I then made my way to an associates apartment thinking I would never get a bed in the shelter tonight.  They were sleeping as I somewhat suspected.  I would have been wise to try it earlier when I had thought of it.  Off to the emergency shelter I go, but just walking into the parking lot I can see them turning people away as they are full.

I was completely indifferent as I expected it.  I had no idea where I would go as my feet became soaked and I found myself acknowledging that I would be tired the next day.  Tired, washed out, useless and underslept ruining any plans to my last effects.  Same old, same old.  No sense having concern over that as the only thing to think about is where to find reprieve from the rain and sleep.  I have never planned for such a situation in this location.

I find a church that is empty and locked.  A familiar church.  Other homeless people may loot me, the police may take issue in terms of vagrancy, I have to disregard those possibilities and just do what I need to do.  Find an overhang to sleep under in the dry.  There's great spots outfront, but for some reason I tend to want to believe that it is more appropriate to go around back.  Well lit and under video surveillance, I decide I am too tired to go anywhere. This is my advantage if I am looted or assaulted anyways.

Shortly after laying down a vehicle swings through the parking lot.  In a little while later another.  I am too tired to care as I pondered if I triggered a motion sensor or not.  I disregard both cars while while assuming that this spot will not work out.  It does not matter.  I am tired to leave in the rain unless someone asks.  I fall asleep for a time only to wake as nature called.  I take care of that business as respectfully as I can soaking wet, tired and in the rain.

In my return, I catch the attention of a neighbours threatening dog.  I disregard this too while wishing it never happened.  There is nothing I can do.  Barking aggressively, if the dog gets loose and attacks I will either get licked or bitten. I am too tired to even concern myself over it.  The dog's owner is telling the dog that I am just another crack addict and to pay no mind, trying to call it in.  Insulting I think muttering I am not a crack addict.  Just another low moment in my story.

I fall back asleep combining all of these situational events with those of the happenings and words in the courthouse and beyond throughout.  People are concerned for this, people are concerned for that, but no is concerned for the reality I see and live through, the reality long term, only the reality that they project.  If I am true to myself, the clock is about to run out, this is where I commit suicide finalising my own Murder by the State. It is not suicide, it actually murder state sanctioned by careless, guiltless, inefficient bureaucracy.

I am troubled by the image people will paint and consequently assume, not to mention the fact it will all be handled with the desire to keep it all quiet.  Just like the first court case, a media blockage for 'privacy' and a request that I do not talk about the case upon arrest.  No news, no need for investigation, no need for self reflection by those of the 'Public Interest'.  They will just absolve themselves of any responsibility.  I did not accept the helps offered to me they will claim, it is even in writing as they deflect a failure to actually meet my needs.

I fall back asleep only to wake a short while later.  Another car in the parking lot, a commercial car advertising the private security company on patrol.  I sleeping under the cover a church overhang staying out of the rain, thinking that I will be too tired to even follow through with suicide before I run out of the means to do so and here is 'security' to hush me away.  I confirming that I am aware of his presence, seeing that I have done that I get up onto my feet.

I am such a cooperative person.  If I just continued sleeping, he may have simply drove off as he lacked the motivation to even get out of the car.  I walked to him asking him to put his passenger window down.  I asked if he was under 'contract' with the City, he replied that his company was.  Privately contracted security guards to patrol the city for vagrancy property crimes involving petty theft and basically mischief.  Privately paid eyes for the Public Interest.

This just seemed surreal to me at the time, the fact that a bureaucracy just contracts out it's blind policies of bureaucracy without concern for who, what and where was being hurt inside the 'Kingdom'.  The private security guard being obtuse to his own role in obtuseness.  Monkey's operating by rules on paper rather than by the natural laws of life.  It is Ok now that I am removed this instance, but at the time something seemed really amiss about it all.

He was from Delhi.  Although I had no issue with him being here in Canada, it just appeared so wrong in a tired exhausted depleting mind.  I had explained to him that I would move on without issue but that this was all wrong.  This is a church in the kingdom, as a Canadian I have been murdered by the State, I spoke of just being in court and that I am likely going to commit suicide very soon.  My point was that I should be able just have reprieve at a community church without having new arrivals sweep me away.

I continued stating that the security guard himself is oblivious to the fact that he is only speeding the same process up in this situation.  Someone who likely identifies differently than I from the land we are on.  A situation  that he himself might find himself wearing these shoes one day.  In my situation I am thinking that now I will have no sleep, my mind will deteriorate and I will not even be able to further a betterment towards my ending.

Unsure of how to process the realities, I have to wonder how it would affect my mother who is likely incapable of making the appropriate decisions.  After the fact, whenever that is, she will wake up to the effect that it is all too late.  This happening at various points.  I am having a hard time typing my thoughts to these effects.  I have more things constantly turning through my mind than I can truly mention.  More things than I can sort proper priority over.

Anyways, I leave the church causing no issues.  The private security guard causes me no issues.  He didn't even have to do anything other than push the 'window down' button for the passenger window while it rains.

I am exhausted walking away concerned that I am likely about to lose all mental stability from running out of cash, running out of sleep, combined with the overall picture and pre-concluded set outcomes.  Yet even though I am concerned, I can have no care.  I am too tired for such.  I buy what is likely my last package cigarettes. I am soaked.  I try to ascertain the best dates, times, etc. for follow through but this just leads to unfulfilling answers.

Unfulfilling in regards to the things that are not yet done, information not yet out there.  I find this unfulfilling.  I bump into someone from the homeless shelter.  A very nice older man who has likely suffered a lot of hurtful judgement.  He talks, talks and talks.  I cater to him by giving an ear but I am just too tired.  In the end, he points me to places to lay down on the ground, places to pass out and sleep while keeping dry.  Offering me tips and information to safeties and dangers in each.

I pick the closest one as it sounds the best anyways and I proceed to walk there in the rain.  The area is small and there is a heavy water run off from the roof a mere few feet away.  Almost as heavy or more as a garden hose left running over the eave of a building.  I am cold, wet and I sleep in broken intervals.  Each time I wake I have to tell myself lay back down, rest and get sleep as I need all I can get.

With sleep deprivation I am in such a state I have to actually tell myself to do that and follow through or I will wander lost in a dangerous daze for days, if I even make it for days.  I have already plotted this would happen, but it would at least be nice to do it in my own determination rather than by happenstance of a daze and incompleted ambitions (likely always incomplete ambitions, perhaps I should come to terms with that).

The business owner who's front entrance I am sleeping front of calls to my attention.  I suddenly wake, I didn't hear him park the car just in front of me.  I apologise to which he displays his kindness. I apologise to him appreciatively and tell him that I am not a drug addict, the shelter was full and I had to do what I had to do as I walked away.  A good man in his natural reply stating that it's ok, there's no problem to him.

From here, I am tired and I need another location.  I am far too tired.  I know of a spot, I walk there.   It's early enough, the businesses are not open for several hours, there's even concrete parking stops large enough to hide me from most views.  I sleep there for a few hours, waking once to a car and other times to who knows what completely forgetting where I am.  Exhausted, tired and not having the money to spend - I go for a coffee.  At least I can do this.  Writing this post.

A nearly 90 year old couple sits with me.  I overhear some of his opinion and we begin to talk.  He is as old as my Uncle Steve would be, may even younger.  I appreciate his down to earth, good natured, common sense outlooks towards life.  A Vancouverite born roughly 1928, married 65 years, we have common ground in his perspectives.  His type of outlook, I grew up around it.  I feel familiar with it.

He can tell something has happened to me.  Although we do not get into the issues he tries to encourage that whatever I need it is out there.  This leading my mind to review all of the help I have seeked and not found.  After much discussion, he states that he learned through his years that often in situations it just boils down to someone having to give something up.  He mentioned forgiveness being a factor.  I liked this, as I felt it relayed something to what I expressed in court.

That I seek forgiveness for myself and my family.  Is that what we all had aimed towards on June 29th - Forgiveness?  What happened, did the courts give something up?  Well, yes and no (unjust Criminal Charges).  Did I give anything up?  Well yes and no (unwillingly my Right to a Trial).  As for anyone else, I do not know.  All I know is that there appeared to be a desire to continue tethering my Person and that I never blindly gave the Judge the chance to do so unexpectedly.

What was the point of this post?

To  express that I would like to speak to the Man in Charge, this to Her Majesty the Queen.  Of course, I nonchalantly meant this is in so many different ways all at once, as my mind drifted from one idea of it all to another.  Before this, my mind was on the Courts, on Rulings and on the Constitution - 'Whereas Canada was founded on principles that recognise the supremacy of God and the Rule of Law'.

Recognising the supremacy of God. 

It is said that a Godless (Truthless) society is a corrupted society.  In many, I find that there is little recognition towards God.  There is little recognition towards the Greater Truth.  There is little recognition towards the Father, the Son and the Spirit.  In short, this leaves little recognition to the Man, and therefore the whole of Men, to all of Men or to something to this effect.

Recognising the Rule of Law. 

I have read that one should never mistake a law for justice.  Justice is an ideal and a law is a tool.  I have no idea what I am saying with any of this, but my original thoughts when this post began was to describe and answer as to the lawlessness I feel.  The injustice, the ineptness and unfortunate luck leading into it.

 

( Suddenly I am feel deeply depressed, Facebook just blocked me for a post made likely over a year ago.  Feeling the way I am today, that was really bad timing as you just cut me off of the only contact I can have with friends.  My only real means for support.   My tooth is acting up.  I am out of smokes.  Out of money and suddenly I feeling depressed at time where... if Facebook blocks a person's communication, cutting them off from the world, they are unfit to become the media platform they seek to be.

I saved a picture of it.  Nothing I said was wrong, at least nothing I had seen in my quick scan.  I did use the word beaner which I do admit is wrong, but it is not like the people I blanked commented on do not have slang words for me. I should have have messed with the general layout of this site as it presents upon visit.)