Charged, Stayed, Dismissed and Acquitted.

"An outright acquittal in a criminal trial in Canada is a lot less common than most people might think." - The National Post

Twas the Night Before

Here I was with the first two days I had had to prepare for this case with my bare minimum needs actually met for the first time in seven months.  I have not had the privacy of four walls and a bed to myself to sleep in at will since the Pre-Trial Center (Jail) in November.  I have not had that, with a computer, a stable internet connection, coffee and cigarettes (and food) since I wrote her Majesty the Queen, October 31st, 2017.

https://dan.berladyn.online/2017/10/31/40548/

I had drank coffee the previous night, a luxury (necessity) that I am no longer used to and I had terrible sleep.  Throughout the day, I just could not find myself with the reply I had needed for the Court.  On walk out to get a coffee, having no printer available, I bought a pad of paper which was another luxury (necessity) that I have not had in months.  The last pad getting ruined as I had no place to keep it dry while having to pack my meager belongs with me everyday in the rain.

I went for a walk late at night after making final preparations to leave my friends trailer.  I had wanted to leave it as I had found it.   I went for a walk hoping to find my own answers to this situation.  This situation which to me is life or death.   I thought of many things, like what I could have done differently through all of this.  I thought of how I could have verbally recorded a testimony of facts, sentence by sentence, recording by recording.  Ideas that I had had a long time ago in great instability.

On the way back from my walk, I decided to walk through the trails of a city park nearby.   I sat on the bench looking for peace thinking of my ideas towards her Majesty the Queen.  I am out of time, but with the thoughts rolling through my head, I thought why not try it.  Perhaps I would be the first person in the whole world to do so.  The first person to verbally address her Majesty publically through the internet.  I could make history, but this I assure you was not the motivator, in fact as you will quickly see - it was a detractor.

I sat on a park bench and I thought of the things I had wanted to say, Without notes this would be difficult to pull off correctly.   I thought of her voice, her own public addresses.  I thought of the limited knowledge of the rules I had known of.  I thought perhaps it will work for me if I just try.  Unfortunately someone was in the bushes nearby.  I assumed that they were drug addicts like the ones in the homeless shelter. This tainted the whole situation.

Getting tired, I sat there for a while longer until it was peaceful.  I thought about the things she would probably want to hear about.  The sounds of the running water in the creek.  The green leaves, the horticulture that I know so little about.  I looked up at the moon, I could describe that to her as well, the night sky.  The air.  A. l things that were out of my realm in capturing correctly.

I determined that I would just have to stay on point with my thoughts towards family, life, the things I had wanted to put to words.   For this to be what I want in my tired mind it has to be pure.  Pure natural flowing truth, unscripted, real and respectful.  I did a minor vocal / microphone test.  Ok, that's not so bad.  I sound weak, my health in breathing is noticeable, but acceptable to me.   Let's not worry about anyone around me and try it.

"This is an Audio Broadcast to her Majesty the Queen.  Your Majesty, my name is Daniel John Berladyn.  I was born at 10:05pm, November 12th, 1975 in Grace Hospital, Vancouver, British Columbia..."  as I went on freely sharing my open thought I soon found myself draining off.  I was too tired to pull my thoughts together correctly.  It took me too long to get to this point.  This causing me to lose confidence and realize that I would have to try again.   I sure get some crazy ideas.

Trying again ruins the purity in my perspective.  It had to be pure.  I decided to try it while walking as most of my thoughts come naturally in life while I am performing some other task.  This is one of the reasons that I believe the statement 'Work will Set you Free' is a healthy one.  Putting oneself to task allows a person to sort their issues in a manner that is natural to the mind.  At least this is what I have often found.

However walking didn't work as I was concerned people in the houses, not too far off, might over hear.  They may think to themselves that there is some lunatic walking through the backwood trails, through the park, speaking to her Majesty the Queen.  It was a nice night for a walk.  A nice large park. Changing my mind I had figured if I just headed off into a certain direction I will come out in another area of this neighbourhood.  A neighbourhood that I do not know at all.  I assumed that I would be able to make it back to my friends house relatively easy.

When I come out of the woods, I am tired and my contacts have been in so long that I am losing my sight.  The last few days, they have really been  clouding up and tonight it is really bad.  I cannot see signage.  I cannot even recognise where I am.  Did I come out too far?  I walk into a direction that I calculate must be correct getting more and more concerned.  I do not know this area at all and I am very tired.  Maybe I made a very poor decision after all.  I just want to sleep.

It is night.  I see what is a school and it takes me a moment, but I realize that must be the school I drove by once in the day time with my friend.  I must be in the right place.  I walk in the direction that I think is his house.  It is a long walk and I am filled with doubt.  I am really tired and I am thinking I might have just caused myself to miss court in the morning.  Pressing on, I eventually make it only to realize my friend and his wife are asleep.  I am late and I have no choice but to walk in the house and possibly disturb them to recover my laundry.

I sleep very little this night.

In the Morning

I see my friend off to work.  I thank him.  It's about 4:30am, maybe 5:00am.  I am tired.  I do the last things I can do before Court. I need to make something happen either to save my life or to make the taking of my life worthwhile.  I write some statements my mother had made over the years.  Realizing I will not have the time to do the same for three siblings, I skip to the back of my notebook and I quickly copy the Charter of Rights Violations that I am in belief have been and/or may have been broken.  Next, I scribble the Responsibilities of Citizenship.

I have to leave.  It is 6:00am and I keep losing track of time.  Frustrating. Much of this is already roughed in on the computer.  I just cannot print it.  I have no access to anyone of my three printers, nor any printer at all.  Still somewhat amazed that I am in a travel trailer similar to the one I was in immediately after being thrown out of home, once again I leave it as I found it.  I walk towards the bus stop my friend and I talked of the night before.   I did not want to be a burden to him which works out.  As chance has it he is not headed for the direction of the courts this particular morning.

My bags are heavy, I am tired, my contact lenses are blurry and I am approaching this bus stop unsure.  I am thinking it is probably too early for this particular route.  I didn't have the time nor the energy to invest in looking online before I left.  I am just going to have to walk.  It is a plan less prone to failure.  It's a good walk.  A walk I have done every day.  Just not with these two heavy bags.  Halfway to the coffee shop I am exhausted.  This is very slow and I am questioning whether I will have any time to deal with things before court.

I decide that I better take the opportunity to have a coffee now.  I might not get a chance later.  Wait, what is that?  A taxi.  I considered it earlier.  Maybe a taxi would fix my problems this morning.   I talk to the drive.  It would $60.  Far too expensive and more money than I have.   It would not be worth not having any money after court.  Even if it was a little cheaper.  Forget it I conclude.

I enter the coffee shop, place my order, sit down, and enjoy my coffee.  While I do, I can write.  Now the words are flowing.  My answers are coming.  I am not completely sure that they will be exactly what I want.  I have no time.  I see how all of this could actually work for my aspirations.  All of them.  Yes, this is the answer. I just need what I always need - more time, more stability, more resources.  It seems I am often short just one insignificant required item at any particular time.  Including time itself.

Having to leave due to time constraints, I make my way to the bus loop.  Again another challenge as I do not know this city on foot, nor do I even know how to ride buses.  Yet I have done this trip one before. I know enough.  With a strangers help I make my way without detour.  Once on the bus, I keep writing while running an experiment in recording at the same time.  Something I have never tried before.  As I write the tears are coming down my face.  Strangers notice but I decide that it is of no care to me.  These are extremely personal matters.

I have to transfer buses at the next bus loop.  What to do?  I am concerned of the time and the walk to the courthouse.  The walks are draining with these two heavy bags.  The bus driver does not know enough to help me.  I decide to catch her bus calculating that if she drives down such and such a bypass the walk is about the same as the other bus.  I have never taken this bus before, it's a risk.  Rather than risk passing the wrong bus stop, I take the first one.  We are on a bypass, a highway, there may not be another.

It's a longer walk than I roughly planned for.  A very long walk and it is extremely draining.  I am often reminded of the odds continually placed against me in times like this.  I am walking, tired, carrying heavy bags and I realise that I will either just be in time for Court or I will be late. If I am late, my Lawyer will act which I no longer want him to do.  I mean to scribble words to say to him and I never get the chance.  I arrive at the Courthouse, it is 8:50am.  Ten minutes before I am suppose to be there.  I cannot get into courtroom number one.  My impression was courtroom number one, 9:00am - the Trial.  We motioned this to Trial.

I see my first Lawyer from two years ago.  we say hi to each other.  The coffee shop is closed.  Good thing I took the time to stop for that coffee I think.  I am thirsty.  I really need water.  I find the fountain and return to it a few times.  I am really thirsty.  I decide that I better see the Sheriff's now to ensure that they do not do what they did to me the last time.  That was to conduct a bomb-search of my person while I was on a brief break trying write out the questions for my cross examination.

Why is the courtroom locked?  As I look again, I realise that I do need the bag that I had just dropped off with the Sheriff.  There is court documents in there.  I return to the Sheriff's Office and apologetically retrieve it.  I keep my eye out for my  Lawyer.  He is nowhere to be seen.

I better check the screen.  I had forgot to do that.  Courtroom number four, 9:30am.  Whew!  I have time.  Off I go to courtroom number four.  I have not been in this one yet.  I see the side office is open and available.  Perfect, I can have peace to finish writing my thoughts.  The first draft is too messy from minor edits, but if I quickly re-write them adding my thoughts towards how to end my statement all will be good for reasons I cannot type.

As I do so, I realize how fortunate I am to have this office and the peace thereof. I am hoping to finish before seeing my Lawyer, confident, yet frustrated that my dynamic is always this way.  I am still re-writing my original rough draft from this morning holding the additions in my memory and questioning if a line that I am to state undoes me.  If it means I am completely wrong and that I should be dying on the Cross.  Regardless, I have this.  I am comfortable and confident in my plan.

Suddenly much to my forgetfulness, my Lawyer approaches.  This part is my fault.  Like always, I finally get in the groove, it's all happening and then the help that I have needed or the help that I am keeping around for insurance, becomes anything but help. It is not his fault this happens.  It's just life.  It is my fault completely.  I could have dismissed him a few days ago when he wrote about the Staying of the Charges.  Which is something that I had the impression that we had discussed in our last meeting as not being an option.

[embed]https://dan.berladyn.online/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/180622_0907.mp3[/embed]

He politely said hi and I completely lost my groove in writing my thoughts as they had finally came to me in the last few hours.  Thoughts for the Microphone in the Courtroom.  Not his fault.  He could not know my innermost decisions but... at this point he should have the Court Particulars ready to pass to me, as well as any other documents that I want, documents like the Forensic Hospital Reports.  Every single piece of paper, he should be expecting that he might have to walk away.  I had the impression that this was our deal, as per our last emails.

Realistically, at this point in communication I wanted him long gone and long out of sight without stating a word to him.  I knew that when I answered.   It is just the way it is in these affairs for me.  Must be hard for people, but then... he's older and I am feeling bad but I am thinking he understands.  Anyways, fifteen minutes later...  I am just finishing the last of my statement already forgetting the exact words to write and acknowledging to myself that his innocent interruption derailed those thoughts and it's time for Court.  They are paging my Person and my Lawyer is requesting my attention, instead of how I would have rather have had it, with I requesting his.

[embed]https://dan.berladyn.online/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/180622_0907-2.mp3[/embed]

When it came time to speak into the microphone and address the Court, I had felt dazed and lost.  I did not know which microphone to speak into.  There were two there, I commented asking - no one said a word.  Maybe either one works.  Except now that I am writing this I am remembering something critical.  I was completely shafted in the feasibility that even if my ambitions fell through there was still some saving Grace in the System.  Maybe there is.  Time will tell all.

I am responsible for my own actions, however it was my dismissed Lawyers actions which made me take a backseat to my own fate.  I am almost laughing as I write this because not only did I not get an important thing I set had out to do, the Court I assuming did not even get it either.  Not in the format that I had wanted.  That is just beyond words for me.  [OUTSIDE THE BOX IN THINKING]  Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps what happened is exactly what should have happened.

The following is what I had stated to address the Courts and Record into the Microphone.  It was very Emotional, which meant it was very Pure and very True.  I never had time to polish the words in text.  I was concerned for the true outcome of a line or two, but the following texts are what was stated.  It took me at least three tries to get past the second sentence.  Remember, it is not always what is Said, is it is how it is Said.

Speaking of which, my oldest brother would be so happy with himself. So many years ago he had chided that it would be all over but the crying if I stayed in that house.  My parents would have lost everything at that time.

---

My Charter of Rights were violated right from the start.

I would like to address the Court and offer a Proposal to the Crown.

Your Honour,

I ask for forgiveness for myself and for my family.  Perhaps it was sometime in 2012, my mother had expressed that she had...

( This is so emotional for me I cease halfway in heavy tears before completing the second line… )

….

Your Honour,

I ask for forgiveness for myself and for my family.  Perhaps it was sometime in 2012, my mother...

( This is so emotional for me I cease halfway in heavy tears before completing the second line… )

….

Your Honour,

I ask for forgiveness for myself and for my family.  Perhaps it was sometime in 2012, my mother had expressed that she had wished my Father was here.  I wanted to reply “He is right here”.

He is right here in front of you as he lives on through me, his son.  I am my Father’s Son.  My Father would have freely given his life for any one of us.  I know my answers for he has given them to me.

I have been denied the Right to life.  I have been denied the Right to my home.  It is my home as you can see through these emails to a Psychologist used by myself as logs.  If you would take a moment to read these, you will see my own mother is logged stating that my home, 560 Foress Dr., belongs to both her and myself.  Her youngest son, my Father’s Son.

I know or at least I believe Property Rights have a play here.  I am trying to convey my Right to own property in Association with others.  They have been arguing through police statements that it is the "Family" home and that the "Family" wishes this, the "Family wishes that."  I remember asking PMPD OHASHI about her reports to the Crown.  Perhaps I did so right here on this website "Am I not a member of this Family PMPD Jenn OHASHI?".  I have been in the home since birth, I am the one who supported my parents in keeping it.  I am the reason that she has it while I was undermined for decades.  My Father's last instruct to me, to make sure I look after myself here, perhaps I missed the boat in not asking him to write it.  I do not know.

Through the PSR from last year you will see the Courts are being mis-used.  I feel obligated to inform you that this is murder.  It has nearly resulted in the State sanctioned Death of my Person.  My Medical needs and my Real World Tangible needs dictate that I must return home with no tether to my Person.

As a Proposal to the Crown, I propose that I be returned home under Court Order to forensically write the history in Service of her Majesty the Queen.  In doing so, so that I may fix myself, fix my family and offer for study the data so that the Policing, Mental Health, and Judicial Systems (ruined ending, but I meant to say something to the effect of improving themselves).

For me, these were all rather emotional things to say inside of a Courtroom.  Remember, if I recall there were other members of the public behind me.  Not that any of that had mattered however.  In my mind, I am not taking no for an answer.  It literally is all I can do to save my life and the situation for everyone.  Even if the Judge does not have the means as she claims.

However that did not matter in my initial determination while writing this stuff earlier in the morning.  I planned for that in some respects.  There is brief discussion back and forth, it was stated again that my mother has claimed that she is open to communicating with me.  It is claimed however that my mother does wish for me to return home.  I flip to another quickly written page in my book and I state something to the effect of:

The responsibilities of Canadian Citizenship includes taking responsibility for oneself and one’s family.  Are you telling me that my mother does not want to take responsibility for her family?

Am I her youngest Son, not Family?  Like earlier in my address to the Court, the following was stated as well:

The Government of British Columbia is denying my Medical needs.

To press on, I had wanted to list off my Charter of Rights Violations, the Judge was attempting to cap me off so I had argued to allow me to quickly run through the numbers.  2a, 2b, 2c, 2d, 7, (10 I chose to skip part way through), 11a (stalling not being able to read my own scribble), 11b, 11c, 11d, 11e then on to 12, which I had read out in full...

12 Everyone has the right not to be subjected to cruel and unusual punishment and this is cruel and unusual punishment.

15 Equal…

It is cruel and unusual because most people do not have any idea in the damage done by not allowing me to leave my home properly.  That is if I was to leave my home at all.  At some point through this, either before or after, the Judge had asked where I had been staying and I had told her:

I had spent six months at the Salvation Army and I was in such poor shape that I could not even write my Lawyer for four days before the December Appearance because I had had someone smoking Fentanyl/Meth under my bed making me sick and the very night before court in December, they were kicking someone out between three and four in the morning.

For that Appearance, I had barely made it in time for Court.  I walked into the Courtroom just in time.  The guy they kicked out earlier that morning was loud, aggressive and he was continually in front of my bed, making agitating gestures and remarks towards me.   That particular guy had actually both assaulted and continually threatened my life over rumours that he had helped perpetuate.  Rumours to cover his own stealing from other people in the shelter.  Deflection.

Those facts were all Ok for the Salvation Army, but his demise came when he did something against a Staff Member.  At least this was the case if I recall correctly.  He might have been the one who called a female staff member a 'bitch'.  I do not remember exactly what he was kicked out for at this moment, but it was insulting to me.   I felt he should have been gone weeks prior.  People seemed glad when he left.

I then went on to tell her with the conviction of emotion:

That that very day I was in the Crown Administration’s Office with Peter Ng (Crown Administor, bringing her attention to him in the room) and that Lawyer I dismissed.   I told them both to forget it, that I will be a suicide by the date they are setting over six months away, this very day here and now, because I didn’t even think I would make it through the very next month of January.  In January, I had a bought a belt to tie weight to my body, my laptop, to use that to sink myself into the Burrard Inlet.  The only reason it didn’t happen was because of the drugs around me, being assaulted, badgered and continually threatened drained my strength crippling my ability to follow though (and as stupid as it sounds, a lack of cigarettes).

The Crown Administrative Councilor hung his head.  I feel for him in stating this because I respect him.  I like him.  Do you know what I really respect about him?  He took this out of Personal Responsibility in that no further mistakes would be made.  At least that was always my view.  This to save his junior Prosecutors from having to wear any ill effects of the ongoing conditions.  I can respect that.

Through all of this, the same Judge who told me what the outcome of the situation would be upon my Arraignment, the same Judge who told me that most Canadians do not mind having their Rights taken away, the same Judge who told me that my Facts to do not match their Facts therefore I must be Mentally Ill needing Treatment and Medication, the same Judge who allotted me six months to write everything out during impossible conditions after guesstimating that I would need five years at home, the same Judge who was externally referred to as a Communist by a third party, this same Judge had sat there and took notes paying attention to my person as I spoke.  I was unclear in her actions as I witnessed her witness me, but I believe I may be clear now.  In this moment of writing I am realizing that this Judge is perhaps going to prove herself to me.  That perhaps Karma is going to come around and set her high in my eyes.

I am then informed again that all of this will be handled in the Breach Charge next week.  Which is something unsatisfactory to me in a way that nobody seems to grasp.  Just making it to this court date many months ago had resulted in projecting that I would not make it to this very Court Case today.  At the same time, at some point through this, I had also concluded that I was already murdered and the least I could do for the world was to try and make this Appearance.  To do what I ever I could do to help fix the "System" and greater Society as a whole - for the benefit of all.  That I was obligated to do so even  if it killed me.  I am not always that convinced in my own conscious, but it does hold in my own view because I normally "turn the painfull switches off".  If I did not I would not be able to function.  Out of Sight out of Mind - so to speak.

This date right here today, I am counting on it to save my life.  More of the same last ditch efforts.  This to save my life before I end up keeping my word on not losing the case next week.  At some point, perhaps in the last month, as insane as this may be to any reader - I calculated that in the loss of my ambitions here today, the optimum time to commit suicide would be during the morning of my next trial date.  This guaranteeing that I do not lose the case, everyone would be there but me.  The idea being that you wanted your proof, you got it.

To say that more appropriately, instead of committing suicide on some meaningless morning weeks back, for pride if you must, but perhaps more appropriately for purpose, it was far more reasonable to make that  kind of final statement in such an expression of Truth.   For myself, this seems more rational than accepting an erroneous judgement only to be punished with more cruel and unusual treatment.  That being to only die inside even more if that is even possible and/or to commit suicide shortly thereafter or perhaps even a little later after everyone has long forgotten about the root of this issue.  Everyone but me.

It is just crazy to share this with the world, but since my ambitions of the day were cut short and since my currents goals are to find another solution, why should I care?  The point for me is, it is not just for me, but to show that the 'System' needs to improve for Everyone.  I have out of the box ideas on how to complement the existing system without actually bringing any change to it.  However there has only been one way for me to show that.  I have to fix the System to fix myself.  I just have to take on more and more and more.  That is how I have seen everything.

Back to the Courtroom, a Sheriff approaches placing before me a slip of paper with the date and time of the next Appearance.  At first I thought that she was giving me tissues again.  I didn't want tissues. I just wanted to express the pure Truth before a Judge, in a Courtroom and into a Microphone - all at the same time.

As I turn and walk out of the courtroom I am surprised to see the Sheriffs close in on my person ushering me out as I leave.  At least that was the momentary perception that I had had.  The courtroom was fairly empty, but I do recall seeing people in the public seats.  I momentarily had wondered what impression that they had had.  If they felt trivial in their issues or guilty for their own misconducts placing them into that room.  Of course, perhaps they were there to witness.  From past court cases, I have found and read what a public witness had written of me inside a courtroom.  It was not pleasant at first, but I am happy for it.

Post Court

I almost do not remember walking out of the Courthouse.  I do, but it must have been nothing spectacular.  All I knew was to head to the Library, connect to the Internet, update friends and immediately log it all.  As is often the case, I lose myself venting into posts.  I asked no one to respond and thankfully no one did as I kept processing issue after issue.  Personally, I had felt that my ambitions were perfect, except in the fact that I completely missed one very primary objective.   I was deeply upset.

I have absolutely no plans after this moment, all of this, all this suffering for ten months (longer in reality), just to completely fail my own final ambitions in the last few hours.  I am just lost and I become confused over some realities of the situation.  I end up confirming to myself again that I really do need to record for my own Mental Health.  I become confused over some issues.  I take breaks.  I have little trust.

I head off to a Lawyers office to confirm or deny the Truth in dismissing my own Lawyer paid by Legal Aide.  The Office I head to is the same Office that explained to me that they took on the Police for misdeeds and they failed.  They ran out of money while Police were able to tap into the endless supply of City funds.   Taxpayer funds used to literally bankrupt the fight.  $400 per day a lawyers office wanted from me to try such a task.

Anyways, this Office explained that a Lawyer at one time had to go before the Judge to be Released, but not anymore.  That was all changed quite sometime ago and the information regarding that is in the Legal Aide Breach.  What my Lawyer did was completely unnecessary and he threw me afoul whether he realized it, whether he had cared or not.  I concluded that it was all bullshit what he had done.  He served himself, the Judge and his new relationship with the Crown Admin before my needs.  I do understand that, but not at my expense.

In his defence, he was not set up with Legal Aide when he took my case.  They gave us issues over allowing me to have him.  I have the emails regarding such.  I had felt at the time that they were playing a game and they did not want to support myself and this Lawyer.  My intuition was clear to me at the time but we had the problem sorted.  That was very taxing for me, to phone them and demand to follow through with what I was told inside the Pre-Trial Centre when I had originally phoned in and requested.  They approved it then, approve it now.

Next on my list of rolling emotions was something I had caught online.   I needed my court case number for this website.  The easiest way was online.  Not in a good headspace I became upset over the two Charges.  In the morning before Court, I had only viewed my name once on the screen.  Not trusting like I am, I headed off to the Court Registry to find my answers.  Satisfied that I was corrected by proper information I had then questioned the Recorded Testimony and the Integrity of the Recordings.  Once again, I was assured that the System was tamperproof.

On the way out of the Courthouse I pass the same Judge I stood before in Court.  She was disrobed in the Corridor.  She looked at me as we walked oncoming to one another and I noted the warmest smile grow on her face.  As she passed she expressed the friendliest hello that I cannot describe in this writing.  I have written too much above and it is very tiring.  I was left with a very positive feeling.  Perhaps even some elation.  This brought me to question myself on all of my negative thoughts towards her and the Judicial System itself.  This brought me to question my own perceptions on completely failing in my own ambitions.

I had much to write and sort out.  I also had to find shelter.  I felt writing was more important.  More crucial to my needs.  I thought of places where should I go?  The Salvation Army?  It's a deadpit before court.  The friends apartment?  I never had a chance to say goodbye, it's another deadpit and the one guy never took the job I had got him.  We have not spoke.  There will definitely be issue there.   My deal with my friend from twenty years ago was only good up until the previous night.  Our words to each other.  I might be in trouble here, where am I going to reside this week?

The library announces that they are closing.  I realised that I had no place to go for internet.  I was cut off.  I was tired.  Same as always.  I needed resources I didn't have.  I couldn't even message any friends to ask for support.  To ask to 'couch surf'.  I did not know what I would do, but I used up every minute I had had.  Money would run out quickly too.  The one thing I could do is just show up at my friends place and just ask him for the night, the weekend or the week.  No obligation of course.  His trailer granted me the bare minimum. Especially if the work/money situation $50/day still suited him.

It was worth the long trip out completely tired.  Carrying my bags all over again, exhausting.  I felt like an asshole doing this.  I wanted to be clear to him that there was no obligation.  He is not obligated to take on my worldly woes.  As I arrive, I feel like the biggest tit as he has a guest.  I cannot talk to him.  He's warm, inviting and one hell of a good guy.  There's not even a hint of anything wrong.  Even so I need to speak to him about this somehow.

I am tired.  I try to entertain as much as I can in return.  He has a guest, his wife is there as well.  Eventually after several hours it seems I get a moment alone with him.  I try to put it to him with no condition at all, no obligation, that I could really use his help for either the rest of the weekend or the entire week.  No obligation.  I was tired.  He stated that he could put me up for one night.  The one night in which I immediately realized I didn't ask for even though I intended.  I felt bad as if had I looked like I was trying to take advantage.  He had to talk it over with his wife he explained.  We were to talk the very next day.   As you should my friend.  I was happy to hear him say that.   That he should talk about it with his wife.  Perfectly appropriate.

So here I am the next day wanting to write all of this out.  I figure I will just keep writing until I see my friend.  Surely he'll come to me at some point once he looks after his own affairs on his time.  My writing goes on here all day.  Only stopping once as his wife needed to close the open to door on the trailer to get the lawnmower by.  I wondered if I should offer to do that for her, no.  I do not want to start cutting my friends grass.  She seems very positive, she is smiling.  I ask if her husband is back as I see the truck is gone.  She replied not yet, her smile is friendly enough to assume she knows a lot and it is all good.  Nonetheless I do intend to have my friend talk to me today.

It never happened and it is now 9:37pm.  Maybe I should have went to him? I have had moments of feeling like I should have taken hint if he didn't say anything.  That was right before his wife had approached the trailer all friendly.  I wondered if I didn't mistake her actions for another message.  I am so overloaded with what I want to do my social processing slow.  I will make plans to leave first thing in the morning.  Perhaps I will head back to the shelter.  This is ideal, but I would not want to wear out my welcome and he's only verbally given me one night.  I feel like I am in the wrong for assuming or for trying to log as much of this as I can while I still have the opportunity.

Looking at the house, I think he's in bed.  I don't want to disturb him and I just realized now that I can send him a message from here.  Rather than catch him off guard in the morning.  I feel awkward, but if I misread his wife being so positive, perhaps this is better than catching him tomorrow first thing in the morning.   Although this is the only bare minimum place I know of I'll message him explaining myself that I will leave in the morning unless I hear otherwise.  That's easy and proper, right?  I think so.

That should grant me enough time to email the Lawyer too.  I should not have done that to him in Court regardless.  I had the perfect words asking for Forgiveness but I have forgotten them. He was helpful while I was incapacitated.  Perhaps I can finish the thoughts I had had yesterday of sending good will to Peter Ng as well.  I forget exactly what I wanted to say, but I did want to do so.

The Second Morning after Court

I had spend the whole day writing this the day after court.  It is still missing things.  I just do not have what I need.  There is no answer from my friend so I am going to assume I should leave.  I am completely unstable once again, I do not have the resources.  I have not written my Lawyer yet to apologize, it does not matter if he did any wrong or not, I should not have done that to him.  On the other hand, I cannot blame him, but I am not happy that I do not have what I intended on having in first walking into that courtroom.

My friend, he just arrived after writing the above.  He explained everything to me.  Funny, usually I find that the same factor is involved with each friend but it is perfectly Ok.  He is under no obligation towards me.  I have been clear in that. I am trying as little as possible to be a hindrance to anyone.  He asks about what happened in Court, but I cannot verbally explain it as it is far too much.  I apologized for just appearing like I had had, why I did so and that this trailer was the only office I could have.

As much as this is the only 'Office' I can have before Court, to win which I must do as I know inside this seems more appropriate.   It will keep things real, genuine and true before Court.  It is a real setback, but as challenging as this is, it has been this way for over two years.  He offers me to work if I need to, but he like so many others just do not get it.  He is the first and only 'partner' I ever had in work, we are complete opposites in those affairs.

Like a good friend, a good person he is, he offers me a bank transfer to help me.  I told him to not give me much as I did not want to feel indebted to him which I was told not to worry about, it's all good.  That is not the issue for me however, I myself do not like to be imbalanced on my own insides with people.   It is internal to my Person.

I wonder if I will be able to follow through with the loose ideas I had had, or if the waters will be too impossible over the next week to prepare and arrive in shape for  Court.  I am now going to lose internet and all stability.  The next Appearance is for the day the following was written.

https://dan.berladyn.online/2017/10/31/40548/

Which is funny because it was written exactly two years after my siblings had coerced my elderly mother into committing fraud that the police willfully  ignored, proveable by her own video testimony where she openly states that her other kids had told her to just get rid of me, so she did.  Getting rid of me, nearly causing me to drop dead from stress over a three week period perfectly timed to hit on my 40th Birthday.  I nearly dropped dead five times over a three week period and through this I was continually finding myself in the presence of Officers.

She was not even in the country the date this was signed.  It is fraudulent, presigned and the BCRTB had ruled that I was not a tenant.  It is all over money and who controls the asset.  Who controls Mother.  They all abandoned ship, they all left my parents to swim or sink.  Then they broke my Father's Rule and came back. Nearly killing me for it not even two years after they drove into the deepest darkest blackness I have ever experienced, the six month period where I almost committed suicide over seeing a future where I land in this exact position.  It doesn't matter how close I come to saving myself, I just keep landing in this same position.

Emails used as logs to my Psychologist

He never helped my situation, but I did by writing these as logs.

The PSR February 2017

Time to go

Time to pack up and go.  I am not sure whether to have this page as it is or not.  Just like many pages before it.  Again, once more I will have no stable internet, no peace, no privacy and I am tired.  My friend just sent me a bank transfer...  you know, some people are just damn good people.  In light of saying that, this is the second day in a row that I have heard the Canadian Anthem sung loud enough to be overheard throughout the Community.  It's good.