Another morning, no coffee, no cigarettes. I just do not function without them. I left my friends place relatively early again. There are underlying issues in this place that I really have not had the capacity to put my mind to. All I know is that I do not want to add to any issues nor have them add to my issues more than they already do. This has already been rather troublesome from the get go with the women coming over and wanting to dig into my world. From the get go it seemed they had wanted to advise on things that they had no comprehension of. The guys on the other hand, they get it. Keep your troubles to yourself and do not pry into someone else’s business.
Off I go in the morning, I am never sure where but it all ends up the same. I trouble strangers for cigarettes which I do not like doing. Some readily offer, some stall or even say no and then change their mind happily giving me one and some flat out deny with whichever reason they offer. I know what it’s like to be on the other end and I do not like asking. I should be better than to lower myself to do that, among other things to fix my addiction, but without so I cannot really focus my thoughts.
Not wanting to bother my friend from the day before, I write him again to ensure I am on his mind. He had interest in helping me work. How could he not when I am offering myself at $50/day? This is the second friend that I have done this with and it’s not easy because I do not have a phone. Facebook or Email. The real downside is letting people know that I am in this position. The way works in my life, in many peoples lives, is that the better off that you are doing financially the more money people will happy to pay for your services. If they know you are down and out, your ability to demand or keep face diminishes and you suffer.
The other thing going through my mind is the doctor from the previous day. I actually liked that psychiatrist. He left a good impression right from the get go. I began being hard on myself as there were many things I should have said. Many things I should have said better. Her Majesty the Queen of course, I should smarten up when I make reference towards her. All the thoughts, all the words, everything the psychiatrist could ever need has gone through my mind at various points in two years and more, but I can almost recall them, but not quite. I would need coffee and cigarettes, some feeling of normalcy just begin expressing those realities properly.
Off to the library I go again once it opens. I decide to try a third friend. I am only wanting a few hundred dollars before Court. I might be wrong but has seemed appropriate to me to just take these last two weeks to myself. If I could have smokes, coffee and just be in peace I might still come up with a satisfactory solution to my woes. At least the best I can do from this place in time. Ignoring this and leaving it all in the hands of others does not make sense, even if it does not change anything at this point.
Third time is a charm, within ten minutes I am transferred $50. That makes me happy. Really happy. I have smokes I can get my mind running again. Wanting to be smart with this money, I tell myself to just keep this information to myself until I am bit stronger. I decide I can splurge on one coffee and I head to a coffee shop I rather like. Of course, I am hungry and that pie they carry. I shouldn’t but I do. It was worth it.
Back to the library, I came to determine that I should have given the psychiatrist the Court Ordered Bail Conditions. I should have done so in person, I do understand that part. That is my failure, however on the other hand if the system engaged my needs in the beginning seven trips to different offices in the first two months, I would have. There is far too much bureaucracy, especially under high strain and poor mental health. Just so you understand how messed up I was, it took me three visits to find the floor and the office of Maple Ridge Mental Health when I had first went. It took a lot to tell myself to go, but it’s really a simple. Offices are on the fifth floor, get on the elevator, press five and look around.
I decided I should give the psychiatrist from yesterday the Bail Conditions along with a business letter, stating the things I should have said, or correcting things I should have said better. Perhaps even asking for another meeting. Of course, I didn’t have his business card with the proper name to address him. That again would be my fault, as in the beginning I was sure to collect all of that type of information from various offices when I visited. That was when I could remain relatively organized, not just physically, but in mentally as well.
Realizing that I would not have time to write anything before lunch, it was either skip lunch and not eat all day or do the best I could do. I found the means to photocopy the Bail Conditions and deliver them to his Office. Ensuring to write my website address and my email for contact information. Of course, this is still not person to person, mutually confirmed as it should be for court purposes. I know the things I say, but I do understand the actual realities of all of this. All I can do at this point is try to deliver the Court Ordered Conditions along with contact information, email.
[audio mp3="https://dan.berladyn.online/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/180608_1159.mp3"][/audio]From here, I go for lunch at the Salvation Army. Another decent community lunch. I do not mean to just yet, but I begin squaring off with some people I owe cigarettes to. I like to keep things balanced. The more people I squared up with, the more I gave out. With the exception of giving a few people a few more cigarettes in coming days, I am pretty much squared up with the exception two people that I figure I owe $5 and $6 to. They each probably do not expect to get it, but I plan on paying them back.
Off to Walmart, I do not want to burden the house hold so I buy toilet paper and laundry soap. I feel I should contribute where I can, of course I hesitate at the till, $50 does not last too long. It had appeared too cumbersome to get change for laundry so I figured I would figure it all out when I returned. In reality, I just could not figure out exactly what was in my account and the best way to pull it out for laundry change. Back at the apartment, there was no change to be had. At least not a loonie and two quarters.
That lead to a run around for several hours before I could do laundry. I did not know the exact coins the machines took. I should have checked the machines myself, but I only asked my friend without a direct answer assuming what I was told. Off to the bank to check my balance, I have just enough to buy another package of smokes and do a load of laundry. Happy Days, except I bring the wrong change back and not only that, I end up 45 cents short. This took hours, I have a washer and dryer at home but at least that fact does not feel like an emotional stab through the heart any longer.
I had to walk to a few different stores to get my quarters exchanged for loonies and wow. I cannot express how good it had felt to not have a real shower, but to put on clothes that were washed properly. I almost feel human again. At this point, I have headed back to the library to check messages and to upload this post before visiting the community food truck. It is 8:30pm at night. That was my entire day. Another day gone.
Who knows what will happen before court, but a part of me had wondered on the benefit of walking in there looking like a street bum. It might play to my advantage, or perhaps not. I am sure the Crown Prosecutor can gleam lots of insight towards me through these writing and I should probably have concern over that, but I do not. At the end of the day, the right things will happen in court, or they will not. All I can do is to try and do my part.
After that, I know my answers.