[embed]https://dan.berladyn.online/rec/180607_1231.mp3[/embed]
My morning, prior to the audio above.
Same as it ever was, no money for coffee, cigarettes, internet and most important of all no psychological peace. It is almost like going through life playing a perpetual slot machine. If you could envision every thirty minutes of life as a pull of the lever in terms of having all of my immediate needs met... that is somewhat what it is like.
Often, I will even find myself with everything I need for a time and as I am either in the middle of thinking something through, or actually attempting to get something done, someone from out of nowhere will call out my name. If I do not engage that person then I am asshole and I will pay for it later. Usually, I end up in a situation where I am either trading my needs for peace or pitiful resources.
A Booked Appointment
I had forgotten to charge the laptop last night, so having a dead battery added to my list of problems. The only place I could go for power and internet was the lobby of the office tower containing Fraser Health Mental Health Offices. I am still undecided as to whether I should attempt to make this meeting or not. Is it going to be more trouble than it's worth? I do not even have the appointment time today as I was not given the appointment slip.
A friend stated that he may possibly help me this afternoon, so for me I have to weigh which will be the bigger help. With a broken phone and no convenient way to check messages from him the least I can do is go upstairs and confirm the appointment and the time while I sit downstairs and check messages. Low and behold, there's the Psychiatric Nurse as I see him see me. Probably best for each us to just let it go. I can see him in thought.
[audio mp3="https://dan.berladyn.online/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/180607_0944_01.mp3"][/audio]Everything will be recorded, the good bad and the ugly or I walk out. That's the way it has to be which is unfortunate because it changes dynamics when people are consciously aware of such. Even myself. The best conversations are usually the ones the microphone does not catch.
Psychiatric Evaluation
As for the meeting itself, I cannot complain. I would have liked to have seen that referral from the Bail Office. I would like the absolute confirmation that it is not a copy of the referral form that I walk around with. Gloucester obviously dropped out which was a good decision and I suspect that these two knew I was recording. At least I suspected so in the meeting.
The only other real faults lay with me and my lack of consciousness to things I might have expressed better or perhaps pursued. If someone hadn't just given me a cigarette before that meeting I might have pressed my thoughts that if they were truly there for my Mental Health, they would find a way to supply me with cigarettes.
The same with the PWD, of course you have to play the paperwork game with that. I rightfully qualified for such in November/December as a literal Medical Emergency. Of course a booklet of paperwork and navigating to different Offices having to explain things makes a person more ill than they already are. This being the same old same old, those who truly need the help cannot get it.
Of course, my mind was also a little distracted knowing that a friend might come through and help me a little bit this afternoon. Speaking of which, coming to this meeting had broke my concentration towards setting something up in that same friend. Just the same as diverting my energy to my friend had broke down some of my focus on what I might have said these good people otherwise. I don't know - that's life. If someone wants to help I am sure they will.
There is much I could have answered better, there is much I could write better. It is what it is. This non-illness diagnosis is actually a double edged sword, as legally... I rightfully have no less emotional injuries or problems than the people I speak to getting $1200/month while they just sit around doing drugs or drinking all day. At least I could determine my own direction and resolve my own situation if I was allotted that money, aloong with the advantages of it all in the courts.
I suppose that since I had both forgot to charge my laptop last night and because I had forgotten to ensure that I had the Bail Conditions ready to show these two I errored again. I actually did envision showing them the copy, just like I did with the first doctors seven months ago. I am just unorganized lacking stability peace, privacy, cigarettes, coffee and stable internet access.
The Elephant in the Room
Medical needs, when the Port Moody Police arrested me for a Breach of Conditions, my last arrest, once we were alone in the car he had said the same thing 'Financial'. That actually upset me as I had wished he would just keep his assertions to himself. Why me? My information is always purest at certain points, now what I know to be true is getting muddy because I am under too much strain from being held this poor and unable to meet my needs.
However, why would people assume that it is only financial? That is a huge aspect to all of this but it is definitely not the pinnacle. Just like in the meeting, I am too dazed from the daily stresses that I am under. That is my home where I was literally born. That is my home where I remember as early as being in a crib. That is my home, significant to so much more than I could ever express. That is my home where I made significant sacrifices and promises throughout my entire life.
I am concerned about typing my words openly. I never abandoned my parents, I never abandoned my home. That was my siblings, they did that on their own and I chose otherwise. This is central my person in ways I cannot express.
Now this frustrates and nearly depresses me because I cannot express these words properly. I have had them, I had them when I was unjustly removed. I had them when I was at my cousins but I could never put them down to words as there much to do and far too many distractions. I honestly wonder if I have brain damage from that Shelter. All those drugs I ended up breathing. Or if I have brain damage from all the stresses I have endured over the years, especially just before and just after being thrown out. Maybe even more honestly since I threw away that medication and became suicidal.
Smoking. If I just was able to get a PWD in November/December when I was trying... I would have stabilized. Same thing if I had received a bed. I do not want sound unthankful for the help I did get but... that was SEVEN months ago. SEVEN. These problems should have been sorted. I really cannot honestly cite that as my fault depressed, suicidal and trying to hold all your information intact there is only so much bureaucracy a person can deal with. In my case, it certainly was not very much.