No one is going to help me.  If you want to help, please  send money through an Email Bank Transfer to: dberladyn@gmail.com

Not wanting to hang around my associates place, I headed out first thing this morning wondering what idea I should try following up on.  Without  needing a second Bail Office visit through the week, this brings renewed opportunity.  A small sense of optimism, a small sense of renewed opportunity.

However in reality the damage is done.  The damage done over months from the bind that two visits per week causes to any game plan.  Looking back at December, or whenever that was, I took serious issue with signing an agreement committing myself to coming in once every two weeks while expressing suicide.   I felt that was too much, especially to be tied and committed to.  It only made sense until something had began coming together with Corinna, whom I trusted was doing the best she could.

Go See a Friend

Well, what to do?  Now I have less options as I have no money and no phone.  I decided to go and see one of my longest lifetime friends.  I've known him for thirty nine years.  I was really comfortable with this and I couldn't even make up my mind the purpose of the visit.  Was I just going to catch up with him?  Was I going to share with him my quest for a determined direction?  Should I even see him as I broke my word to him, something that caused me great personal pain?

It's an idea, it's something I can do while I wait for the Library to open.  I hop on a bus, head down to see him and in no time short, look at that.  I am getting off the bus across the street from the Port Moody Police Department.  Just like every other time I have been by there, I wonder.  I check the speed of traffic.  Yes, that's fast enough.  Especially that speeding car passing in the right lane.  This is not something I want to dedicate too much thought to.

I walk into my friends shop and I feel wrong for coming.  He will be too busy and I feel like crap for not keeping my word.  I see him, it's been sometime.  Years, marriage, kids, running a business I can see it in him.  He's aged.  Looks the same, but he's aged.  He tells me that I look like crap and that I smell.  That's what good friends do, be honest.

To answer your question, yes everyone that stays in that shelter smells.  It's a distinct smell. Something that leeches right into your clothes.  If I ever did returned home I had felt I would burn my clothes and bleach my body because I am not sure that smell will ever come out.  Of course, I do need a shower and laundry - I cannot do laundry and that's a problem.  No money.  I can at least shower at will now though which is nice.  That is not something an enjoyable task at the shelter.

Without cigarettes I cannot talk properly.  I brought it up right away.  I had a long text typed out to him that was never sent.  I borrowed I think $125 to be paid back on xxx date.  When I was ready to do the banking I caught the flu from the people in that shelter.  A terrible flu bug.  I was on the toilet, puking and sleeping.  That was all I could do.  Then having to time dealing with that and interruptions in internet access, I delayed on the first opportunity to send the money and then that was it.  I couldn't send it.  I had this terrible feeling as the date passed while laying in bed sick with no energy thinking about how I just broke my given word to a friend.  The little things like this a situation causes...  it is death by a thousand cuts.

I then explained afterwards that something happened and I do not remember what that was.  It was either drama from the Shelter, Doctors, or the Bail Office.  I started feeling suicidal at the time and ended up just buying cigarettes to keep my mind from faltering.  I didn't feel very good telling him all of this and I had wished I had just stayed away.  I should have avoided seeing him until I had the money, rather than excuses.  I don't know, I guess I should have just sent the text a long time ago, before my phone was stolen.

He's busy, he is busy and he has helped me lots.  Too much in fact.  I'm trying to leave and he's wanting me to go, but at the same time he wants to know things as a friend.  That doesn't really work as it's all foreign and too hard to explain.  Off I go, but as I do I degrade myself.  I told myself not to ask and but I did.  I asked him if he had a few bucks.  He didn't have any small bills, what he had I didn't want to take and he needed for himself so he offered me his coinage.  The only thing I could think about was smokes, it wasn't enough change and I shouldn't even be asking.  He offered it for coffee and I said no, but if I was smart, I would have took it to do laundry.

Leaving there, I didn't feel good.  I should not have come out there.  I didn't know where to go, what to try next.  I couldn't quite make up my mind as I walked the main street.  I could feel the idea of just walking into traffic.  I had the words and thoughts to explain that all.   I do not have them now at the time of writing.  The thoughts of doing so where much greater in November.  Of course, I had thought about 'doctors' and how they 'label' stuff like this.  The label just ends up self-perpetuating a person into a trap.  Medication does not solve this, removing all the barriers imposed from injustice does.

Anyways, my mind readjusted for the right timelines.  Times that are optimum for me.  Funny, nothing has changed from January.  The same decisions, the same outcome, just narrowed down and refined.

 

Translink & Bus Fare

Not thinking straight without cigarettes, I think maybe I will just walk back to at least the bus loop at Coquitlam Centre.  It didn't take too many blocks for me to decide to sit at a bus stop for a rest.  Just in time for the bus to arrive.  I climb on board and say to the driver that I do not have it.  Degrading, I do not have bus fare.  I learned sometime ago to just do this without care.  The System did this to my life, completely destroying my independence, as degrading as it feels I am not going to let it stop me.  To my knowledge, I was told there was a law passed over this.  They are to let destitute people ride.  I could tell this was a driver who took a disdainful view.  I was polite, but I sensed something over it.

At the bus loop my senses were confirmed.  I get on the next bus, I say the same thing to the driver.  I suspect he was radiod.   He decided to make an issue of it, pay the fare or get off.  I repeated my words, I do not have it.  He pointed to the Credit Card Stickers and told me that I could pay that way.  Sure, if my credit wasn't destroyed I thought.  I asked him if the rules/laws had changed, he said stated they changed sometime last year.  Interesting I thought, then I said fine, get the Translink Police here.  He pushed a button.

I began getting off the bus not wanting to cause an issue for other passengers.  Then it just came out of me as I was stepping outside the bus door.  I turned to him and said "The British Columbia Government Murdered me.  That is YOUR EMPLOYER.  It is your DUTY as a CANADIAN CITIZEN to help your fellow Man."  I shook that driver with those words, I know I did just by his reply.  I wished I had had the recorder on for that one, I just sounded full of conviction.  No Translink Police came, disappointing.

I ended up speaking with someone who was coming home from work early.  A decent well rounded guy who was not unlike many good respectable tradesmen on jobs.  He worked a hard honest living.  He offered me cigarettes and we rode the next bus back to Maple Ridge together.  I turned on my recorder for the next bus if there was an issue.  I was not intending to recreate the scene, I just liked the way I had sounded the previous time.

Having an acquaintance with me kind of threw it all off track.  I looked at the bus driver stating that I did not have it is as I walked by not to impede foot traffic, continually attempting to make eye contact.  It was partly my fault as I was not as direct and outspoken as I meant to be.  He stopped me and claiming I didn't say anything, putting the onus on me.  He stated that I should not just walk by,  I should stop and explain myself to the driver.  At this point my new acquaintance just paid my fare for me.  I am not actually looking for an argument with any of this stuff, it's just that this is degrading enough as it is.  I get the Bus Drivers.  I would get like that too.

 

Bail Office Referral

I don't mean to be wasting my days typing all of this stuff, but what else can I do to explain the damage imposed, the conditions I face?  I had a thought last night that I should visit Denise at the Bail Office with a Medical Referral for cigarettes already completed and I should ask her to send it to Fraser Health.  Come on Denise, come on Fraser Health, help me with my primary Mental Health issue so that I may at least begin moving forwards in my independent response to the Courts.   Of  course, I do not even have the money to print a referral to paper so that I may ask her the way I want to.  This even though I own three printers and several sheaves of paper.I just do not have access to them.

If these peoples jobs were to ensure I was to get to court and be in fair mental health, then this is what they should be doing.  They should be doing that without tasking me.  I shouldn't be jumping through hoops and attempting to repeat the same needs to twenty different people, visiting all kinds of offices, etc.  Whatever, it's all a fraud.  I have written too much and I am missing my more relevant points to make.  If you were in my shoes, trying to move yourself forward you'd feel the same way.  The last time I was able to work was ten months ago.

I live on one day's wages and I am to respond to the court over one of the most central issues of my life like this?

Mental Health Break

I decide to take a break.  I head outside and there is a retired friend/associate that I have come to know.  Speaking to him about this stuff just results in more pain, frustration and internal damage than it's worth.  We talk about other things, poking fun at whatever we can find.  I find we agree on several things and disagree on several others, but he's good company.  He usually gives me a cigarette per day, at least on days I do not have them.  I think he gives out a pack per week all kinds of people, but he actually partially enjoys the company.

Not ready to head back to the Library, I head off to the other side of the building.  My mind going over all kinds of things, conversations, the future, options, etc.  I do not really have a lot of focus without cigarettes.  I keep thinking of how when I was an Organizer, about how much failed opportunity these Mental Health people miss.  As an Organizer, I would use cigarettes as a way into people, as a way to get them to talk to me in that job.  If I was someone from Mental Health, or Rain City, I would have used cigarettes as an in.

Ever since I had stated my base needs to Rain City, especially since I had return emails on the subject, not wanting to reply out of fear of falling into another pit of distraction, I just do not even have the energy to type out these thoughts.  If I had their job and I wanted a meeting, if I wanted to earn my time with a client and help him, especially me, with all of this information here I would simply send an email: hey Dan - I have some cigarettes for you / Hey Dan, I dropped some cigarettes off at the Shelter for you.

This would have done a few things.  It would have earned them my time in my affairs rather than asking me to work for them when I am buried with my own problems.  I run the risk of them complicating my affairs that they are to help alleviate.  Like feeding birds, or feeding squirrels, to get them to trust you, to be comfortable with you - feed them.  With no strings, help them with their primary needs.  Birds, Squirrels... that's food.  With me, it is cigarettes.  Raincity would have had their meeting when I saw them wandering around the park, or earlier.  So simple.

I would have written to that effect a long time ago, perhaps even responded to his email, but I do not want the dialogue.  I want to come up with a game plan on my own and begin executing it without interference.  It's nearly impossible without convolution and external thoughts polluting my own processes.  Anyways, I am not enthusiastic about any of this writing, but it I've at least put it out there.  Even if this site is slowing down and people are bored with reading.

The Psychiatrist.  I wasn't given an appointment slip.  I have pretty much been put off the affair, I no idea if the meeting is available or not.  I was wondering to myself today if I should try to complete the meeting and basically repeat everything they should already know.  Perhaps I shouldn't be so untrusting, but then...  I have to ask, am I really just opening myself up to something that I do not need?  Very likely - unless the Judge needs it.  Maybe I should have stated Psychologist, not Psychiatrist?  However, the latter may affirm I am no condition for defending myself in a trial?

I see a friend walk by me from the Shelter.  He doesn't have any problems other than the fact he is not working.  He does not do drugs, he does not smoke, but he likes his beer.  I waved twice to him only to mistakenly capture the attention of a Fraser Health Employee.  I didn't realize that she was there.  She was nice, she thought I was waving to her.  From her response it made me wonder if she knew who I was.  I don't know, but I feel guilty for all my words against these people and against, government employees.  She was really nice.

Anyways, this site was not really intended for posts like this.  Long winded rants and I am not sure anyone who stumbles upon this will benefit, nor perhaps more importantly I myself.  Unless of course, someone wanted to use the words in my benefit of their employ or character.  I wish I had money to do laundry, I should have took the pocket change from my friend earlier.

Dinner at the Salvation Army was really good tonight.  I feel rude not really speaking with anyone, but what I can do?  I cannot really affirm that I am better off not sleeping there, or if I would be better to go back and give my friend associate a break.  Half a dozen of one and six of the other.  Another unproductive day. Coffee, Cigarettes, Printing Capability and Laundry would be nice.

Work

Look at that, removing that one Bail Office visit opened my mind up enough to at least send an email out to a friend, seeking to work for $50/day - if that works two ways.  If it works for him, which completely depends on what he has contracted, if anything at all.  Completely crippled like I am, I am not worth much unless the needs dictate it.  No phone, no tools, no vehicle.  Decimated.

If I spread that around to too many people, I screw myself long term.  There are so many factors involved the little world of contractors and interior finishing.