No one is going to help me.  If you want to help, you may send money through a Bank Transfer to: dberladyn@gmail.com

Panhandling

This morning I decided to leave the apartment early, no point wearing out my welcome.   I do not see myself lasting there, it's a different combination of the same problems of the Salvation Army.  I charged my laptop overnight, so off to somewhere I go.  Same old thing.  I can formulate a lot of thoughts, plans and ideas to follow through on, but I cannot even execute them to writing as there's no place to do so.  As always, this problem is even worse as my mind does not sharpen without cigarettes.

I was fortunate first thing this morning.  A passerby was fairly accepting in offering me a cigarette.  While trying to plan my day, still needing to cure my craving a little later, I bumped into another former Shelter person.  He tried panhandling me.  I just shake my head at the stupidity.  Then he spoke to me bragging how this is such a great gig.   Showing me his bank account, the reference he gives to the collection of coins in his pocket.

I tried to get him to stop asking people for money.  That didn't work.  So I asked him about the time when he himself used to work, if he would give to people like those in his current position.  Heck no, he said if I gave them money they would just spend it on drugs.  In asking him what he is going to do with the money...  he tells me drugs, Fentanyl.  I have  overheard some of the smarter street people claiming to do very well at this and they would not be happy to know I am posting about it.

Frustrating for me.  I cannot bring myself to do that, but if I did it would go towards cigarettes, coffee, paper for taking notes, a cell phone and incrementally bettering my position.  I cannot do that though, it is hard enough to get myself to ask a passerby for a cigarette.   If I have something worthwhile, I try to trade or barter for them.  A habit is habit and this is my deeply rooted habit.  The first thing 'government medical' people want to control and discard, but the last thing that should be tampered with in a situation like mine.

A true helping friend would buy me cigarettes.

Couch-Surfing

I came back to the apartment to invite the guys for Community Lunch.  To make sure they understood there was food available if they ever needed it.  Not really that I want to bring them into the Salvation Army crowd, or have the vice versa happen in return, but the sharing of beneficial knowledge is the least I can give back.  I am welcome to sleep on the couch and eat their food they insist, not to worry about it.

This is where I had to say no.  That my objective was to take as little as possible from them, not to burden them which was all too familiar in expression as I had said the same things to my cousin Mark BERLADYN two years ago.  He would tell me not to worry about it and then in the end, he tried to claim I owed him for food while using that as his claim to steal over $10K in property.  Property that cost a lot more than that to buy.

I do not want take, I want to return where I can.

Community Lunch

The Memorial Park Mugger is here.  I do not want a problem, but I am thinking to myself he should be 'Corrected' for his actions (jail?).  Once inside the cafeteria I wait for the food line to die down.  Eventually I get up to get my lunch while unintentionally walking by his very table.

I hear him call out 'rat'.  No, I am not going ignore that.  I turn to his table and blindly ask for a repeat 'What was that?  Did someone say something?'.  There was no reply until I turned and walked away.  I may as well prepare for him I thought, let's see if he wants to incriminate himself by making a threat..  no, nothing.  He made nothing of it.  I could have verbally expressed myself better to the Officer in recorded testimony, but they had everything they needed to Charge him.

A friend I am sitting with, I explain the above to her and she doesn't think it is right.  She then states that the law lets all the criminals off and the good people, like myself among others she knows, get buried with legal problems.   I eventually told of her of the Salvation Army and how they would not let me work on their renovation.  Something which would have been a mutual win for all the parties involved.  She could not believe it, but I could.  My mind has been on the reality of Communism all day and then some.

I told her about the Psychiatric Nurse assaulting me and all of that stuff.  She thinks I should have legally Charged him.  I do know someone from his Union was here reading this website, likely ready to defend him, but no I should not have Charged him.  However, I should have had not failed in recording that incident.  I should have used the evidence as leverage to force him to show his copy of the Referral from the Bail Office.  From here, I could have proven how all three of those entities not only lied to me, but acted outside the law.

Then, I likely would have done nothing legal about it.  I simply would have proved that these entities in reality are working against my mental health.  Working against my judicial affairs and working against what I need in my overall situation - especially the long term.  They are just keeping me alive at this point while sending my independence reeling backwards.  I had a lot of thoughts earlier today describing exactly this but they are long gone now, likely because I need a cigarette for stimulation and likely because it has taken too much energy and time to get to my keyboard in peace.

Here I am just finishing lunch at the Salvation Army and plump!  A long tenured worker sits down right beside me.  This is the very worker who kept insisting that I speak to her back in December/January.  I remember explaining to her that speaking to any of them was the worst thing I could be doing.  That I needed the words in my vessel to be put to my own files, my own purposes, rather than spill them all out to her, losing have of them on the floor only to end up completely emptied inside when it comes to my own needs.   Afterall, I am only trying to save my life.

Eventually she had won and I was reminded of junior high school.  It had became quite enjoyable speaking to them, some of the socializing there.   For the most part, I was and I am different from many there.  Anyways, we would chat and have fun until a very insulting moment in my stay there.  Here I am in the habit of being close to her only to catch her hanging around after her shift gossiping and giggling with the other Staff.  I made the mistake in thinking I could join in only to be thrown into a brick wall while being told she is off the clock.  Not to talk to her until her next shift.  Ouch.

Then there was the whole bit about her beginning to suffer personal problems.  I get it.  She became colder and colder until we literally didn't talk.  Within a month I was booted downstairs and even though I did not ask, upon speaking with Admin I was told that I was not going back upstairs.   Interesting.  Especially the timing.  Anyway, this particular worker and I had not spoken, nor even really communicated in body language until today.  Here she is in full mode, plumping herself beside me loudly and proudly stating that we have not connected in quite some time, she's been too buried in 'paperwork'.

All I could respond with was that I am not on the clock.  I am not on the clock to put it back to her.  Which is fitting because I might not be considered 'Client'.  I should not be, they are not doing anything for me.  They stopped providing me services when they booted me downstairs in the middle of heated moments with the Bail Office.  I told this worker that the girl beside me and I were just talking about Communism and I sadly cannot even finish this post,

Too bad I could not get all my thoughts out today.  This post is only a fraction of the things I feel I need to express.  Always a race between time, energy, laptop battery, internet access, a lack of cigarettes, etc.

(This is intended to be continued, but likely not due to resource limitations)