Leaving the Bail Office, where I was lied to again by a government employee over an issue that threw me backwards, in meetings that serve no real world practical purpose other than to keep my overloaded person, overloaded and tied down...  I headed back to the Salvation Army, a partner of Corrections Canada for lunch.

After lunch, while uploading and trying to post the Bail Office visit, trying to clear my mind and my plate before I had to move on to my next immediate task, a nice friend was kind enough and interested enough to comment on my continual semi-private feed.  My facebook feed which is often just a series of vents for logging and (un)healthy distractions.  Often poorly written in haste to log events that I do not have the time nor stability to write properly in 'public'.  I risked losing her friendship by stating that I did not have the time, nor the energy, to answer her sole questions and that attempting to do so just for her will only leave me drained.  That she either understood my situation and intents by now or she never would.  Luckily, she didn't ditch and unfriend me.

Out of time, I went over to the section of the Salvation Army building that they are renovating.  The Contractor wanted me to come back at 1:00pm and start working as soon as the inspections were completed.  As I figured, the City Inspector never showed up.  They are notorious for this.  Nonetheless, I have to keep the dialogue going with the Contractor, gear my mind around the work and just be thankful he was good enough to understand my needs.  Nice guy.   Very happy to work a mutually beneficial deal.  I do not want to say this, but I am far more qualified than who he currently has on site working my trade.  This is a breathe of optimism for me as if I just stay in peace, do this work - I can make my current reconfigured plans work.  Those being to gather some mental health by working, asserting my independence, fixing the long time concern of not having enough cash before and through court, and most important of all putting all of my deeper thoughts into a letter sent to multiple parties.  A letter many good words, including the remembrance of my Father.

Salvation Army Staff

The Staff had noticed me in the Construction Area and asked me what I doing in there.  Oh no, I thought.  I looked over and I could see the Administration looking at me from behind the voice.  You cannot be in here the Staff Member said.  I looked at her and said it's alright.  The Contractor, he was very nice and very soft spoken to her and told her it's ok.  It's alright, he sanctions it.  I know how this industry works and these Staff Members, nor the Administration do not.   They are going to ruin a delicate position for me, in many ways my last chance to have some independent assertion in this mess and survive in a manner I can live with.  This is the Contractors Insurance I would be under, his gig.

No, there's a problem.  I should have talked to the Salvation Army I thought, but really how could I have?  Too much continual bullshit going on and I have to secure negotiations which never work out with third party involvements.  So I walk around the building to talk to the Administration Staff and enter the area from the other side.  The door is locked and someone says you cannot go in there.  My stress climbs, a worker comes out and I think piss on this.  I am going to talk to them for they know not what they do.

Somewhat shocked to see me outside his door, the Administration Staff approaches me as aggressively as I am to him over this.  Not really aggressive, but each of us are firm in our mutual opposing stances on this matter.  I am told I cannot work there.  I immediately reply that a homeless destitute person staying in your emergency shelter cannot better his own position by performing honest work eh?  I was livid, they are crippling me into continued dependency, perhaps even suicide.  I should work somewhere else in his view, completely ignorant of the inability for me to do that without bringing great harm to my overall position and health.   I told him that it's the Contractors insurance, his contract, his job.  To which I get the ignorant reply that he should have his own guys and not being hiring people out of the Shelter in tone that was demeaning to the Contractor.  Clients are not allowed to work here.  It is our building, and we say that you are not working on it. To which I replied, this is exactly what is wrong with the world today, this type of bullshit.  I was told... Get out - so I did.

Walking into the smoking area this @#$%'ing place I said, looking around thinking... unreal.  I cannot better myself independently by performing honest work, but these guys can sit here dealing heavy drugs, stolen goods getting high all day, threatening and assaulting people.  It's an enabling center for petty criminals and drug addicts.  They give out the supplies.  A Federally recognized Church.  Not only this, but Moving Companies can come in here early in the morning and call out petty criminals to come to work moving trusting people's furniture while homeless people are sleeping, trying to catch up from the sleepless drama the night before...  ruining their days..  shouldn't be hiring homeless destitute people from a homeless shelter huh?

I left here thinking fuck you.  I wish I could capture all my thoughts that I was prevented from writing.  Making to the City Park I vented a lot of things that I had forgotten about into a Facebook Post that just completely disappeared upon posting it.  Trying to write it all out again, I could only recite half of the words.  Now several days later, not wanting to say all of this stuff anymore, yet at the same time needing to post it for my own history..   that act, I cannot put it into words today.  For the record, going across town to talk to the top manager, it might be appropriate in their view, maybe it is, but in mine it's impossible and it's done.  Opportunity lost as soon as you pull that stuff.  Too much bullshit for the Contractor and too much bullshit for Myself.  Especially in my overall position, this act only keeps me in dependency and long term is disastrous.

For me, this was almost as bad as desperately needing a room with a desk, privacy and the freedom to use it all as per my needs, at my convenience.  Desperately needing it to sleep and to begin sorting myself out before any more issues or forced dependency traps are set on my person crippling me and my ability to find my own way out of my situation by means of keeping in control of my Life and my Truth.  No.  No one else has to do this but since I have been forced to see 19 Psychiatrists, I need to see another one.  I need to get a doctors note so we can create this cumbersome care plan where you cannot even think for yourself without talking to ten people.  Which was exactly what I did NOT and do NOT need.  The two guys who have been given rooms since I 'applied' didn't have to see a doctor.  This even though I was told by Staff that everyone goes through a plan, well except for this other guy who is just using us... .  People in the community all said it was bullshit and the guys before me didn't need a doctor.  However, I bet the real fault in this was Mental Health, the worker who showed up just before my interview for the room, doing exactly what I did not want him to do.

2018-05-29

None of this post has come out right...  it's because it should have been written while the knife was still hot on the day it happened, my words were scathing...  on the other hand I have not wanted to post negative comments about that place because I can understand some things..   I do not want to hurt the Staff.   It's now five days later and I am so exhausted from all the days since...  if I didn't land were I did I might have just pulled the pin and walked into a car committing suicide which would be a real disappointment.  Especially without even making Court first.  Now being where I am, a whole new set of problems that likely.. it just doesn't matter.    Now everything for me is fucked and there is a real chance I just say piss on it all.  It's not like people do not know what I need.

I just wrote out a long post and it's gone. That shithole. They are renovating the building, the low bid, small time contractor wanted to hire me. It was a done deal. He supplies me tools. He supplies me with work. I would actually span the financial shortfall between now and court. Then the staff intervened. I spoke to the manager and no. You are a client of our emergency homeless shelter and you have no money, you cannot perform honest work on our building and better your position.