[embed]https://dan.berladyn.online/rec/180403_1541.mp3[/embed]
Well, showing up to the Bail Office dazed from the chain of events over the last night and this morning, I walk into a quiet office, greet the clerk and note both my Bail Officer and another one I have never seen before. A male. My usual Bail Officer doesn't acknowledge my presence which is abnormal.
After waiting for five to ten minutes the Bail Officer that I am used to takes the only other person sitting in the waiting area to Room #4. A room I have never witnessed them use before. I expect myself to wait for that meeting to be over as I have done so many times before. Then, against my expectation, the male Bail Officer politely requests to meet me in the usual Meeting Room #3.Odd I think, as we have already confirmed that they read these words on this website. It has been stated in the Office and noted here that I do not like changes of personnel and that I will happily wait. It is so much more sensible for my Mental Health to deal with one person who knows the daily issues I face without creating new issues or revisiting past establishments (twice per week). That being provided I do not feel like I am being abused, played and manipulated.
I am not happy with my words as I sit there. I do not like the sound of my own mannerism as I speak, which does that sound that bad from here. A part of me is wondering what's happening now? Why the change? The guy is one of those people that appears trustworthy, but why am I seeing him? Several visits back, more than once, I had wondered if I shouldn't outright demand a male Bail Officer for my own sanity. Are they doing this for my benefit?
Walking away I realized that this is perhaps that 'good cop / bad cop' scenario. They want something signed. She completely disregards my Mental Health (stability) by changing persons, acting out of the norm, not saying hello and waving as typical. Of course, maybe I am reading too much into all of this? Maybe it has nothing to do with anything I am saying or maybe it has everything to do with it?
Either way, I felt bad for the tone and my own mannerism towards him. He appears nice, like someone on the level, someone trustworthy. Now, without knowing anything but what is in their files, he's subjected to the responses I give created by past issues. Things like not signing the Visitation Sheet, not granting permission to Speak with Fraser Health, etc. The past issues are not his fault, but who knows if I will even see him again.
None of these meetings are beneficial to my health, as the frequency of the meetings are far too high. I barely get peace where I am staying and then having to come here twice per week... Psychologically, I do not have time to process. This is exactly why it was agreed at the beginning of this Office that I would attend twice per week until we had gotten something rolling, all while granting me the reprieve, the freedom to come a day or two late depending on health.
I cannot control my environment where I am staying. If I am forced without sleep or messed up from all the drama going on around me, it is far better to put it off a day, that is what we set up. However, I being me.. I kept a fairly routine practice, I even came when I was sure I was going to commit suicide, which I may very well have not collapsed into if the frequency wasn't so high to begin with.
Over this past weekend I had several trains of thought over the Mental Health Services imposed. Without peace to act on any of them, I came to settle on two trains of thought regarding seeing the 'Mental Health' Services. One was to accept it and make it work by handling it in a certain manner that I have already half forgotten about. The other was to outright refuse on the grounds that just merely speaking to these people makes ill, corrupts my truth and is outright against anything sensical.
For me this is all insane. Everything the System has imposed. For others, as an outsider I might support it not knowing any better, but for knowing myself the way in which I do - this is all very wrong. This is the worst thing for myself, especially imposed 'healthcare' which isn't healthy care. Just from the dynamics created it corrupts my truth and it makes me ill. This is completely the wrong way to deal with this situation. Over and over, for two years I have stated exactly what is needed to deaf ears at every turn.
Even if I was to approach these people and completely trust that they will act on everything important to my Person, I would need the Bail Office to back off and quit cramping my sanity. I had the correct words on the walk back but... I am tired, I have lost my phone with the irreplaceable data on it, I cannot afford a new one and it's just a miserable day all around.
Furthermore, I commented on signing documents and I am actually too tired in this moment to have stated such. I am doubting my own words as I am too tired to fully recall exactly what was signed. Seeing I have lost my phone I cannot immediately refer to pictures of documents until I check my back ups.Further thoughts... disregarding my stance on signing those conditions to begin with, this whole system... asking me to sign these... nothing at all against this guy or anyone else, but I miss the first girl I had here. Some things are best done out of Free Will. Somethings are best agreed to in mutual Trust. In Faith.
I already know for myself that having these people ask me to see them so often is going to delay any decision to walk into Fraser Health and give them another go. I do not have enough peace as it is to process my thoughts and enter into another situation in a manner that I am comfortable with as it is. It is completely realistic to ascertain that I have already jumped through the hoops and done exactly what was requested of me, I cannot say the same for the 'System'.
It is not my fault that they have decided to call a real booked appointment in a government 'mental health' facility with two 'government' employees, not a 'real' meeting. The reality is that they did not get the piece of paper that they wanted, so they want it all done again - to what effect?
To allot me what makes sense for my health or... for generating jobs and paperwork? Just like they 'have to give this guy something to do' by moving him to this office, the system has to give all these 'doctors' something to do as well. This, whether it is actually 'good' for my health and my overall situation or not.
This is not Justice. This is not conducive to any Truth. This is not conducive to any Health. This is Corrupt. It is not even about me, it is completely about the 'System'. This is Communism. If it was about me, the truth, or my health... my needs would be met and they would have never have been violated in the first place.
Over four months have gone by... it is not about me at all for any of these people. 84 Men commiting suicide in the United Kingdom per week... I wonder why.
-So he has a good point, how do they keep tabs on it if I do not sign that? I am laughing at myself, because I am probably dumb enough to go through the whole thing recording and posting to the internet as I do. That won't work though because it changes the dynamics... if is not done 'freely' that is. The best conversations take place with the recorder off. Murphy's Law.
Anyways, I know for a fact all of this is wrong and it should have never have come to this point to begin with. This is actually where I would like to the offer realistic ways to improve the System and the integrity for all, including the people that work in it. I just need the right words and the right ears.
