Hi Anonymous Ear,

You are a good listener. Walking away from our conversation and the premises, I thought perhaps I would send you an email to recap for efficiency. Of course, I am tired and by the time I have made my way to the library to get myself settled in, ready at my keyboard, I suddenly find that I have lost the my thoughts and the importance to them. Every time I attempt to do something, I suffer the same fate as someone awash at sea. As soon as I pick a direction and begin to swim towards the goal, a wave from my environment, or a residual wave from a recent environment picks me up and carries me backwards.

Today it is the lack of sleep. Of course, having to walk all the way the to the library, consuming energy, time and resources that I am very limited on doesn’t help either. For over a month I have wanted to write a letter, the words sharpening within me at each surge of desire, only to fail in attempt at the actual trying. For the last week I have been attempting to make it a priority, no matter where I go, now matter how I try to meet such a simple need, something out of the blue prevents my effort. Often, it is the simplest of things holding me up from meeting the simplest of goals. The other night, I found a completely empty restaurant. Perfect. I get setup, I begin… and low and behold, in comes ten teenagers who decide to sit right behind me.

Once again, I do not have a Mental Illness. My problem is situational. I have no efficiency. I lack the resources and tools that I am well adapted to. Most importantly, I lack my own independence to untangle myself from a complicated situation, one that only gets more complicated with more people introducing more roadblocks and complications before me. For example, the ridiculousness of the Port Moody Police and the Criminal Courts in their inherent ‘Wisdom’ in legally preventing me from going home, putting a charger on my truck and driving it away. That has been the simplest need regarding the truck there, never mind swapping out the property stored inside it. It might seem like a minor ‘burden’, but the fact is – these are intentional straws placed on an over-burned, prolongedly over-stressed, camel’s back. One that’s been near death several times. Now why would you do that unless your intent was to break the back or kill the camel?

The same with all of the Bureaucracy. It is so simple what I need, yet the ‘System’ is so filled with what I do not. I do not need talk, I need action. Facts do not care about feelings, neither do tangible real world situations. It doesn’t matter if I am happy or depressed, ICBC still requires $3000 to re-insure my vehicle. Having the vehicle is ONE component to getting myself out and Working gainfully. I am Male, which means I tend to single focus on logical steps to move forward. I access my whole situation, attempt to make a step while being forced into depending on other entities and those other entities respond not with what I actually need, but with what they ‘offer’ in their claim of helping me – while often they are just helping themselves. This causes me to rationally step backwards, access the overall situation, select a different route, rinse, repeat. It’s the same thing all over again.

The System is not designed to help me, it is designed to control and destroy me, this while denying my ability to prove my innocence. The accusation is the verdict. There is no such thing as Innocent until proven Guilty. Confirmed again by the lawyers office I had just walked out of. Just on chance I walked in there to see if anything would come of it. I stated a personal conviction that the system is corrupt beyond belief and the immediate response I get back is a confident and telling “We ALL know that”. So I have to ask, why do we accept it? Why do we not correct it? It was probably well over a year ago that I determined - to fix myself, I would have to fix the System at the same time. This almost felt possible, or at least _provable_ when I set out to chronologically forensically rebuild my own history March 2016, while logging things moving forward at the same time. I was definitely hard headed enough to do it, the only thing that brought me down, was the same thing I still suffer from now.

So to recap, what I truly need to stop me from committing suicide is exactly what they deny me:

• The immediate ability to go home unhindered
• The real ability to recover my stolen property from my cousin Mark Berladyn
• Real income assistance (PWD would probably work, as long as I do not get made sick with the paperwork)
• A loan from a friend to insure the truck (provided… it is there)
• Peace
• A proper sound solution to dealing with the Family Problem (not Criminal Courts)

The next non-viable alternative is:

• The immediate ability to recover my property at will
• $10,000
• Renting a place I can securely work out of in peace
• This will not fix the deepest problems long term

The next non-viable alternative is:

• The immediate ability to recover my property at will
• Real income assistance (PWD would probably work, as long as I do not made sick with all the paperwork)
• A private peaceful bedroom with room for a large desk
• Forensically rebuild my own history to fix myself and improve the integrity of the 'System'

Another non-viable alternative is:

• Accepting the complete loss of everything important to my person
• Talking a meagre job elsewhere and forever be tortured with what was unjustly taken
• Riding the Bus everywhere
• Probably meeting the same end

Out of all of the above, there is still the Courts, the Bail Office and all the Debt incurred. I have less than a week before the Cog clicks over a notch on one of those.

The completely logical non-emotionally driven reality is:

• To walk in front of a car and commit suicide because the System and the people behind it have murdered me. If I have to accept it, why shouldn’t everyone else?

This list above is not as good as I intended to write it. I think I missed much of what I wanted to say, but I have spent too much time. Meanwhile, I think ****** ***** has been reading my site this morning and just now sometime ********, BC. Cat naturally was not aware when she opened up dialogue and unwittingly stopped me from yet another attempt at writing last night, but there was things I wanted written there, before such people hit my website and starting reading… as I keep trying to stay ahead of so many things, yet I keep getting pushed behind. I am washed out today and you have other ‘clients’ so...

You have my permission to set up *** ******** again and you have Permission to contact Social Services on my behalf, if you so choose. Right now I feel like I am spun around and lost. I need to catch up on rest, re-orientate, and try whatever direction I was trying to head in again, but I don’t have the time to continually cycle in this same cycle. I just do not. I am out of time as it is. If I cannot write this email to you the way I intended, I probably cannot prepare what I needed for the hospital or anything else if I went those routes.

As sad as it is, the most important basic need is real cigarettes. No substitutions. With them, I can think and process.. without them…

Dan