Psychological Abuse
Nowhere on this document does it state I am to accept being 'Mislead' by erroneous information by the Bail Office Duty Officer against my overall health and well-being (losing a place to live), nor does it state I am to accept being spoken down to, made to feel degraded, abused, played, controlled and kept at a psychological disadvantage against my health and well-being by a female Bail Supervisor who thinks nothing of wearing out my limited energy, health and resources, while she is fully aware of my continued statements regarding being Railroaded / Murdered and left with not other option but to commit Suicide.
Nowhere does it state I am to accept any unethical and inhumane treatment. I should have never have been arrested September 15th, 2017, I should have been taken to the hospital where I was trying to go, especially with all the information the Port Moody Police had had. What was it that PMPD Officer Morrison had said to me on or abouts November 21st, 2015? As long as I go through life taking things one step at time, one foot in front of the other, it's easy for them to stay ahead of me. Words to that effect. By the way Morrison, your assumptions in your report were Wrong.
I should have never have been Arrested, let alone forced to agree to these conditions, that were likely never even challenged by my 'representative'. I have almost walked in front a car because of you people and your Corrupt Justice System, that you all 'eek' your livings out of. You are all Frauds, all of you. Everyone that I encounter in the 'System'. This isn't even a Justice System, guilty before innocent? Destroyed before Trial? Destroyed before even being able to counter the Fraudulent Evidence placed before you? This is Corrupt as hell.
The night before heading into the Bail Office, the RCMP were by the Shelter as they often are. They were giving out candy canes. I just for the most part ignored them, wondering why they were giving out candy canes (not that I took one), but when I went outside my question was answered. They found someone they were looking for – pretty sly. I was told they asked for everyone’s name – except mine. This left my mind running.
The one thing I have been stressfully concerned over is paying the bill for this website. If was to commit suicide, I want the bill paid so it runs for a while. I meant to do it as soon as I came into some money, but in this Shelter, the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Like this morning, I meant to head out to the Bail Office first thing in the morning and then go through a list of things in the area, but it just didn't happen.
It's hard to explain until you are in a place like this. There's nothing like being threatened twice in eight hours before you leave. Little do I know, I am finally just about to succumb to the flu at this point too.
I get out to the Bail Office by noon, I assume it's lunch, so I head to the Library to balance myself, lose any negative vibes and reset so I can attempt to walk in level headed with my bearings about me. For some reason, I am thinking I might be arrested there, I do not know why, residual thoughts from the police not asking for my name last night I guess. Silly, I must think too much.
So a big stressor for me is that I signed something that I was in no state to sign the last time I was there. I signed an agreement in a Mental State that should render my Signature non-binding, the document null and void. However, I am not really in the mood to fight it. I am not even in the mood to walk in those doors, if there ever is a mood.
I walk in there thinking the Bail Officer is just going to pretend to sell me on on some excuse that “she’s just doing me a favour as… blah blah blah”. Very unusual, the first time, she's at the front counter almost waiting for me. She conducts the 'meeting' right there. Same useless bullshit, same tone - she's in 'control'. All for what, My Health? No. In Search of Truth? No. To ensure I am 'obedient'? Most likely.
Like many times I have experienced in that office, it felt like psychological manipulation, abuse meant to keep me destabilized, which is the last thing I need. It's how it feels when I walk into an appointment that could help or harm my life and suddenly I am seeing someone else, or suddenly directed into a different office than I expect (it's the best when they all use the same non-existent excuse), or like today no office at all.
That place is nothing but head games. For me, that is not how you treat someone who is literally being murdered in front of their eyes driven into suicide. You the reader probably do not understand, but for me that is exactly what is happening. They have and are destroying my life unjustly in manners that I have almost committed suicide in the past over. Is this what any of you would call 'Corrections'? It is a blatant misuse of power. Not Justice.
I asked her about Forensics. Perhaps I put her on the defensive on this one as she responded that she has to book an appointment. Well for me, that is inexcusable. Two months of literally coming into that office for nothing and I am now of time and resources. Not even a hint of what Forensics wanted to do with me in terms of help. They had phoned me two weeks prior when I was with the RCMP and it threw the lady off balance, she seemed too scared to answer my questions, stating she would communicate with the Bail Office leaving me blind as to the resolution of my own life.
I would want them on my terms, but I do not really see making several trips to Surrey from this shelter, leaving early in the morning, no coffee, no cigarettes, no food and likely no undisturbed sleep as being viable before speaking with their psychiatrists and other staff to rebuilt whatever history they decide to rebuild. God, criminals get off easy with me because I just want things simple. Give me psychological peace and stability, then let me write it. At least, if I have what I need, I'll get the story right.
Now that I am psychologically unbalanced and unhappy with the Bail Officer's response, I informed her that that little piece of paper, the 'agreement' she had me sign was non-binding, null and void. I was suicidal and thinking of death within two weeks openly stating such when I signed it. I never even read it and she never explained the terms. It is void due to my Mental State. In response, she gives me a Smart Ass response completely devoid of any respect and fully in the tone of abusive manipulative control - "Do you want to sign another one?" she says.
Completely ridiculous, when you take into account that she has threatened to call the RCMP three times over my suicidal remarks since meeting me in November, and the fact that she had actually called them the last visit. The visit when I signed. Completely and utterly ridiculous. It is a total abuse of power over an innocent person being destroyed to such effect that he is ready to walk in front a car an kill himself. All for what? To exercise unnatural control over another human being? Criminals.
That was it. "I am done with this. What are you going to do for me?" I asked. Implying nothing beneficial as all she’s is doing is enjoying trying to literally control (abuse) another human being and she doesn’t understand needs, timeframes, variables that she’s not privy too. Variables that are impossible for her to be privy to. This is my DEATH. Then as I turn to walk out, she pushes it even further "See you in two weeks" trying to establish her little rope around me.
That was it. Fuck you. Whether I wanted to or not, she just pushed boundaries she shouldn't have. "I am not coming back here" I said and walked out the door. There is nothing constructive about this Office. I noticed that when I was first put on probation. Everyone coming there is deflated and abused. That is not 'Corrections', that is 'Criminal' abuse.
I walked down the street, stopped to text this to Facebook not knowing what was coming next with a near dead battery and intermittent internet connection and upon looking back, there was the RCMP. Pretty fast they were there within five minutes.
They told me... continued
Next thing, I meet two Officers. One wearing his Stripe and one not wearing his Stripe. I wish you all wore your Stripes as I tend to think 'Unionization' is just going to destroy the Organization as it will become even more Political from the inside out. Aside from that, rather than being Officers and fulfilling Duties... ...there is a big difference between a Job and a Duty. Either way, I do wish you all a fair package.
So these two RCMP Officers, they told me the Bail Supervisor phoned because I stated I was suicidal and that she was concerned about me. I never stated this day I was suicidal, never mentioned the word at all. On top of this, I completely disregarded her 'concern' for me, because I do not see her having 'concern' for me at all. Her concern is apparent - herself.
So next, I am stuck in the same tiring repeating cycle of having to trying to have to explain over and over and over and over again to someone new. This is draining and it is defeating. All Amy Graf has done in calling the Police is covered her rear-end so that if I did kill myself, she looks to have done her part aid in the avoidance of such, but in reality, the truth is the exact opposite. The whole system, including her meager role...
I was probably with the RCMP over an hour. I always already behind schedule for today, so now my low energy and limited time gets further depleted by them. Two guys who actually want to help but do not have the 'tools' as the hospital is really the only option they have available. That will just damage me further as I will not be able to 'check' items I need to do off my list. Like pay for this website, or explore options from supportive friends.
To keep this short, finally I get driven to Coquitlam's Homeless Shelter. It's full, we know that in advance, but they get to cover their rear that they helped in some way and I get to check out something I was meaning to anyways. It's just another $*&%hole. I almost prefer the one I am at for the less cheaply manufactured look and feel. A waste of my time, but I checked it out.
From the RCMP and the homeless shelter, I begin walking to Coquitlam. I stop and talk to a Pastor I see exchanging signage on his Church's Signboard. I didn't really mean to get trapped into another lost hour, but I do never know where help may come from. Perhaps there's a spare room in the Church and a Community willing to help me? In the end, he puts his hand on my shoulder and prays for me. Something I almost feel does more to absolve his own guilt than aide my journey.
I will skip past writing all the tiniest of things a person in my shoes could have used, but since I do not expect them from people... I do not want to look like I am complaining. I just find it strange. Most people do not handle me in the way that I would handle me. At least if I was in the mood to give them the time of day. Maybe on those grounds, any intuitive insight I often carry into a persons deeper state is completely abolished as I might, more often that not, never even open the door to crossing paths with them.
Friends
Leaving the Church I was up to a friends house, it's a long walk and I begin to become upset with how much time and energy has already been wasted this day. I am getting tired. I feel bad for not phoning my friend, but I haven't yet paid my phone bill and after arriving on foot after a long walk, he's not home. For the best I think as I was away, onto selecting the next friend in route who for one reason or another I skip.
I check the Pub for a common friend who may help me with a basic non taxing need. It's nearly empty and no one is there. I check another friends, he's gone, out of the Country like I expected. Now I am tired, worn down from a lot of walking, the unnecessary unsettling moments earlier in the day and likely a lack of sleep from the conditions in the Shelter. I need a bed, privacy and the ability to define my own schedule as per needs.
What to do? Take a bus back? Continue on to someone else I had been questionably planning on seeing or even go to Denny's, draft out my final last letter to her Majesty. Something I have had in me to do for over a month... and then what the RCMP feared earlier in the day, hit me. The idea of why I do not just end it. I am tired, this situation is not going to change.
My siblings have murdered me, driven by their greed, backed by what I deem as self-serving police, a corrupt Mental Health System and 'Criminal' Courts. They have already done it. Anything I can do to save my life this System prevents in the pretense of 'Justice' and 'Public Safety', but in reality this is neither. It is a fraud. As much as I was not planning on it, everyone I encounter who just acts out of covering their own rear-ends instead of actually helping a fellow Canadian, has worn me down and enacted something even earlier than my own prior predictions.
I do not want to, it's getting too late and I keep humming back and forth. I meant to do this in the day time, but I am out here, I should knock on one more door. Unsure if I will or not, as I keep changing my mind, I head off to that door and upon arriving I still cannot seem to get myself to do it. Then I realize, if I do not give him the chance... it is on me. Why didn't he ask for help? All kinds of thoughts like this.
So I knock on the door. Immediately I feel guilty for disturbing someone who could so easily help me, but by all means does not have to. It is not his burden to carry. He has his own peace he fully deserves to enjoy after so many years on this Earth. He answers and immediately I state "I know am wrong to come by without calling. I am know I am wrong to come by this late" and that gets met by an immediate cold "You are Right!"
After a bit of unavoidable tension, he won't let me leave. He won't get involved between parties, I understand that and never wanted him to. He offers me a ride and some help, not the help I would prefer, but the help that breathes some borrowed time into me. Short term help. The ride forced me to avoid the plan at Denny's. That plan, was to write out a final letter, set it free and play a game of cat and mouse.
A crazy way to think I suppose, perhaps not even fair, but on the other hand it feels totally fair. The people in this System did this. They knew exactly what they were doing when all of this all began, Media Blockage included. The 'System' does nothing realistic to help, it carries no accountability, no responsibility and anything that even equates even remotely to Common Sense it counters.
There is no if's and's or but's about it. You have all murdered me. The only things that will heal my life, the System will not allow. So what is that? That is MURDER, State Sanctioned. To be clear, the plan at Denny's was to write the Queen one last time, make it as Public as I could, then walk to a X location and see who beat out who. Would the System intervene and find me, or I would I beat them by finding some unsuspecting poor motorist to walk in front of?
Why would I do that to someone innocent? Why would the System do this to me? Someone innocent? It is the Ripple Effect. It is the only way I could bring attention, especially with properly written pages here. This is not one of them by the way. I am still sick with the flu and none of this is coming out into words as it would have if I wrote this a few days ago.
Anyways, staying alive, being processed, molded and rebuilt under their System is far worse and far more torturous. It is completely evil and completely corrupt. It is insane and completely unnecessary.
The next day, I was told I looked like hell with deep bags under my eyes. I woke up vomiting, continually on the toilet and not being able to keep any food down. Did the emotional/situational stresses weaken me to catch the abundance of disease at the shelter or the other way around? I don't know, but they both do not help eachother. Even after sleeping for a day, moving from place to place to do so, I am still sick from this flu.
What's bothering me the most right now, is that I wanted this written better. Anyways, I think I have come up with the next plan, but by the time I get a chance to write it all out, if properly at all, things will probably have changed again.