Is that even Legal?  A signature obtained while someone is stating they are going to walk into a car and commit suicide?  I didn't even read it.  Nor were the terms explained to me.  In a proper frame of mind I probably would have challenged her.  She was booking all these appoints with no paper trail every week, why the need for a paper trail and commitment now?

She called the RCMP over my words stated before signing it.  This is exactly the kind of many things that is going to walk me right into a car. This actually made me very sick afterwards.

I came straight from the Crown Counsel Office where I was thinking January was too late.  When I heard the date of June, I walked out on them stating forget it “I’ll be a suicide long before then guys, this system is so corrupt”.

When I came into see her, right away she was priding herself on taking control and asking how I am doing before I sit down.  It’s not the question, it is the intent behind it.  Control.  Maybe I am sensitive, but I find it juvenile and abusive.  It offends me. Especially for someone who keeps saying he's been murdered.

Whether it is a game or not, she says she can set things up in Maple Ridge so I do not have to come to Port Coquitlam, but they may want me to report daily.  The alternative is to keep reporting here, every two weeks.  The way she talks, using too many words drives me nuts.

Especially in my frame of mind.  I mentioned suicide and then we were sidetracked with her going off down that path.  Which just makes me worse, as she just convolutes all of that.  Perhaps she is genuine, but I just do not buy it from her.  Completely frustrated I just want to keep it to business without making it painful.

For me, I would rather just keep things stable than start in another office.  Who knows if I will even be in Maple Ridge?  I would rather not change anything until I am ready to change it and I must be an idiot.  I accept staying here, as I did not want any unforeseen complications.

Looking back now,  I do not know if that was another tacky fast one but it must have been.  We didn’t sign anything before,  why slip in a written agreement now?  I don’t even see how that would truly be legal, not that a judge would rule against his/her own office, but honestly I cannot believe I signed it.

That’s not usual for me.  I didn’t care, the only thing I could think about was not if, but ‘when’ I would walk myself into a car.  It would have been very easy a few weeks ago.  In fact, I fought it off.  I asked her to stop speaking redundantly.  Do not bother speaking just for the sake of speaking.  Keep it to business and lets get done what needs to be done.

What does she do?  She keeps speaking in what I feel is excess.  Apparently, and maybe I was not being respectful.  I had to ask her, are you the one stating that you are going to walk into a car and kill yourself from the situation you are in?  I am thinking maybe less useless conversation and more peace would be good for me.

I signed distracted,  which was a mistake because if one meeting a month kept throwing me off last year, two will keep me derailed.  Furthermore, I will never make it all the way to June doing this.  Maybe that is their little game?  They didn't get me with the doctors, I don't know.  All I know is that I signed something in a terrible state, I didn't read it and very unusual for her, she never explained the terms.

I do have to put this in here for her, she likes to be thorough, she was not thorough.  Unless this was all a fast one to get me signed to something I could have done without, but I assuming she didn't read out the terms because of my mental state.  So right there to me it's invalid, whether that matters or not.  They got the signature.

This made me sick afterwards, when I read the agreement from the picture I took. The last thing I need to be doing is committing to appointments and adding more stress. Even if I managed to unscrew myself and get working, this will cost me any job. Last year, that one meeting per month kept hitting at the worst times and it bled steam out of me.

She called the RCMP after I left. It was not too long after I left that they (Lamb) were phoning me. Perhaps I am too hard on everyone, I do not know. She gave a wrong description of what I was wearing so she likely was upset too for my words. It is not the first time I have said things too her, but probably the most disturbing.

I don't want to fault her, even if I am not enthused. The last thing I want is the pain of negotiating, but trying to be positive perhaps in the future she'll be good enough to resign an adjustment without being a pain. Since I realized what I signed, I have wanted to reject it for the lack of health I was in in doing so.