Thank God for Australians. :)
Over two weeks ago, in my reluctant efforts to subscribe to help from the various Community Services, I tried...
Over two weeks ago, in my reluctant efforts to subscribe to help from the various Community Services, I tried finding my way to 'Fraser Health Mental Health Services' in Maple Ridge. Since I was in withdrawal from cigarettes and I was still adjusting to the emergency shelter, I landed on the wrong floor more than once. I eventually found them on a second effort a few days later, roughly ten business days ago.
With my 'Rogers Order' being fresh on my mind and a stressing concern, I referred myself there. The receptionist was great, she has a good aura, at least with me. I was told to expect a call within five business days. In filling out the referral, I stated that I was referred by 'God'. For the reasons of the referral, I wrote down:
- 'Rogers Order'
- PTSD / Emotional Trauma
- Prolonged periods of Extreme Over-Stressing
- High Risk of Suicide
- Not to be Medicated
On the back for reference and contact information I wrote:
- https://dan.berladyn.online/wp
- dberladyn@gmail.com
I believe it was earlier this week, Monday perhaps, I had checked in as I had no phone call. I was told they were referring me to someone and this takes within ten business days. In the back of my mind I started thinking that I bet no one wants to come within ten feet of me (in regards to a file).
Seeing that today is the tenth business day, or very near it, I dropped in again. The same receptionist, maybe it's just me but she has a pleasant, easy way about her, she said someone will come out and talk to me. Ok, no rush I sat in the waiting area and a 'friend' walked in from the Shelter.
This 'friend', he's a nice guy, he's convinced that there is hidden meanings in words. He believes there is another language hidden within our own. I asked him if he finds that these people actually help him. If coming here is a benefit. He said no. He said what he would really like is for them to hook him up with Artificial Intelligence. He's convinced, perhaps even enabled.
While the above took place, someone perhaps a Psychologist, or perhaps even a Psychiatrist came out and briefly said hi to my friend. Since I noted that this person was paying mental attention to me, I later asked my friend if this is a person he regularly sees. He said no, he had only seen him a few times. He must be scoping me out I think. Fine, fair enough, I understand.
I am still tired from a lack of sleep the other night. The noise and constant commotion in the dorm. The last interruption before getting out of my bunk was a guy belching one foot from my face. I was thankful that I had the blanket over my head. This after being awake most of the night, listening to drug addicts talk about their lives, people crying in their sleep, people rummaging through their meager possessions, etc.
After a short wait, two women came and spoke to me from behind the counter. Both were nice. To be honest, they both seemed a little cautious. I can see multiple angles in their office doing this. I let them know I was tired. I can resort to a curse word or two when I am tired. I see it as blunt honesty, ease of communication. I do not know why that is turned into such a fuss. I might have expressed such a word three times. I am tired, worn down. We chatted for perhaps ten minutes.
We talked about what they could do for me, we talked about what brought me in there, we talked about what I needed. Since it was ten days ago, my thinking has somewhat moved on. I didn't explain this part, but part of the reason was to have fresh independent services with a clean slate outside of anything the has court imposed. I realize now, this is likely impossible.
Corrupted files influence people. This was very traumatic for me on my initial Royal Columbian Hospital incarceration. All of these people, siblings especially, stating erroneous information. Doctors files that are wrong. Etc.
One 'doctor' in a distant past wanted me labelled XX, medicated and seeing him continually, filling up the appointment book in his private practice. My own GP, to my understanding, is catered to by representatives of Pharmaceutical companies who want to sell their product. The Police claim the lies surrounding me are an undiagnosed Mental Health issue. The Crown Prosecutor follows suit. A Judge states my facts do not match their facts (that I have not even been able to supply them) therefor I must be Mentally Ill and need Medication.
So once tagged, it seems pretty hard to escape a bad label, a bad mask.
Another reason for my visit, one we talked about, was Social Services recommendation that I apply for disability. I need a doctor to complete those forms. The last Physician I had seen did not know how to complete them and around and around from office to office I go. Prior to having a working phone, I was going to see my GP, even though I would rather not be forced to do so.
Without this website, or this information here, he'd likely say here - you have this 'illness' you need this medication and yada yada. Which is just a bunch of BS. If I didn't like him telling me that I do after I last told him I do not, I do not want to be forced to see him just because the bureaucracy wants me to. Especially with a Court Order. I explained this to the two women as best I could.
About a diagnosis, a disorder, an illness, when they first asked how I was, I had to stop them from digging around. I am fine. Aside from my situation, I am fine. If I do not think about my situation, I am fine. If I have cigarettes, I am fine. If I only think short term, I am fine. If there is no one messing with my insides, I am fine. I did note my motto changed today from One Day at a Time to One Minute at a Time when someone else asked.
I do not want to admit this, I do not want it in my conscious, I do not want it in other people's conscious, but walking in front of a car has been through my mind a lot lately. A likely trigger is the psychological breakdown when I run out of cigarettes. The women informed I could take a patch and get that for free. That is arrogance on the Systems part.
It doesn't work for me. As much as I never thought I would smoke as a boy, I am deeply hooked. There should be an article here on this website, one in regards to smoking. Smoking stimulates the brain, it accelerates the thinking process which is exactly why they gave them to soldiers during the World Wars. It makes them alert. According to the study, smoking actually raises a person's intellectual capacity. Einstein? A heavy smoker.
My brain is used to running at an accelerated pace. From the stresses of my history, my smoking ramped up excessively for extended periods of time. In January 2015, it was over four packs per day for a month. I can keep my smoking down if I am not stressed and burdened with bureaucracy, appointments, useless dialogue, unnecessary stresses, etc. Not having cigarettes, my brain runs too slow for what I am used to.
Sorry, for all those who think they should 'take control' of my life, but this is a terrible time to throw the habit away. I would rather be functioning and alert, able to write, read, process, decision make, than be in withdrawal, agitated, slow and groggy. You do not help anyone by taking their cigarettes away. They did that to me in the hospital, then they expected me to be able to talk about all these issues that affected, not just me, but my family for the rest of my life.
Which lead me to another point I brought up. Why would they stack both appointments, Forensics and Court, right before my next Welfare Cheque? I asked someone at the shelter if that is intentional to keep me weak. He says yes, they intentionally do that kind of stuff on purpose, games. So see, it is not about the Truth, it is about a game. At least if you buy into the conspiracy of it all.
When I am tired I do. When I am worn down I do. What do they want? Do they want to help me? No. If they did, the System would be set up to explain my truth before they destroy my life. Tri-Cities Mental Health. The Psychologist was more interested in applying a label, medication and having the legal right to take my 'privilege' to drive away in the beginning of his 'Services' than he was in learning the complex dynamics that everyone was tampering with.
In talking to the women here, in showing them the true state of my emotions, how close I am and while explaining that I have to be careful in what I say because doing so will just trigger more automated bureaucracy, IE: a useless hospital trip that just causes more hard shock, derailing things I am attempting to do over the next few days and one that just ends up putting me in an even worse cycle.
They think getting to know a Psychiatrist could be helpful as that is what they are trained to think. Trained to think INSIDE the box, not outside of it. I do not have a problem with a Psychiatrist, if I was able to finish writing everything out. As in doing so I could say, see... this, that, is how, why, when and what is important to my life. Otherwise, I am just serving his needs and getting scrambled up inside for no good reason at all, wasting precious time, resources and Truth.
Same with their Counselling. That is all that whole office seems to exist for. If I know myself, why would I need them to know what is important to my life? Why would I need someone else to steer me around? That is what Tri-Cities Psychology did and all that came of that, was him getting paid to sit there and listen for no betterment to my person. There were some benefits, but the cost of those came at great expense.
I went on to explain that my livelihood has been taken, everything important to me. Even my cat is dead. That the situation is dictates action. Talk is just talk. Talk is cheap, Action speaks louder than words. I need action. Talking is not going to help me. This website and what I am doing right now is probably more use than Counselling, more useful than a Psychiatrist.
The System, the Bureaucracy, it needs the Doctors and the Appointments, the Treatments, not me. It needs those to justify everyone's jobs at my expense. For all the money that was spent, they could have parked me somewhere with everything I needed and had me write everything out as truthfully as possible. In reality, that is exactly what I have been trying to do for two years. From there, judge, act, resolve, heal, move on. Simple.
So what I wanted from this office today didn't really happen. I wanted to see them as another measure for the paperwork required for Social Assistance. The Courts, the Police and my Family have disabled my ability to work. They have actually made it too complex and too impossible to actually do so. Furthermore, my health is severely degraded. I know it will slowly improve with successful independence, but they have taken that.
As far as PTSD / Emotional Trauma, I am doing far better than say.. last year at this time, or even perhaps six months ago in the Summer. On the other hand, I have no stress. I am literally one day at a time, if not one hour at a time. I sleep and eat by the good will of this Community and by the hidden charity of the Government. It is so easy to fix me, but so complicated through bureaucracy.
I would rather be working, but I am the only who knows what I need to do that. Well, everyone but the people denying exactly what I need. This whole system as explained by another friend, it is designed to destroy a person through the process. It doesn't matter the outcome, it destroys you either way. Money buys you Justice, without it your done. Murdered.
Anyways, not everything I wanted to say is coming out, this has taken too long to write. I almost wish I could upload, edit and store my thoughts as I have them while doing other things. It is quite burdensome to find a suitable location on everyone else's time to write here. The Library opens at 10:00am, I am up at 5:00am to write here. On the other hand, I feel writing is rather efficient.
Yet, at the same time it is probably very detrimental in terms of 'playing the game' as everyone seems to believe in, but that's not what I am about. The System should help honest people, not dishonest players.
Upon leaving, they offered a list of Services that I may find useful. Two of which I have already tried. My eye caught the Center for Women and Children leaving abusive Relationships. Once again, this left me affirming just how unequal things really are. Where is the Center for Men and Children leaving abusive Relationships?
It is the same all over. The Justice System just applies generic blanket 'justice' to each case, creating and thus maintaining it's own corrupted statistics. Men are the abusers and Women are the victims, Police are hero's. It is a Fraud fostered upon Society. I think I am willing to believe that the true balance of abusers is 50/50 among the sexes once you remove the enabling, conditioning and social constructs.
( I am going to have to come back to this because, I haven't explained/stressed enough on exactly where/how I am disabled. I am definitely situationally disabled by the actions of the Courts, psychologically, emotionally, medically... I actually do not know how to explain it without collapsing into an unrecoverable mess. Which sometimes I feel they want, then they can 'treat' me, breaking me forever. I could recover on my own common sense terms, but the bureaucracy needs it on theirs. Everything feels like it is upside down. )
Want to know something funny? Well, it's not really funny, but here I am yesterday at a Community Lunch. People from all over this Community come and eat, working people. Normal productive people. I am sitting there and I am concerned on how to avert the situation I see coming up, that situation would be me following through with plans that I am sure I could follow through with in the right (wrong) mental state, triggered by events that appear to be right around the corner. Here sits down this really nice guy. He's a Coroner.
At first, I wondered if it was intentional, from the brief interaction I think it was just chance.