I finally received a little bit of Income Assistance today.  It ate up a lot of time.  From the first moment I tried, which was roughly two weeks ago, trying to fill out everything out online, homeless with no simple access to paperwork, it wasn't easy.  I needed to be doing other things which I just keep losing steam on.  Anyways, the women here at this Office they've been great.  They know I am not the type of person to be claiming.

It is just over year since the Probation Office tried to get me on it, making me attend appointments, but all that did was drag me down from actually supporting myself.  It's been over a year and a half since my first lawyer tried getting me to go on it.  All he did in suggesting it was cause me to psychologically crash because I was doing everything I could do to keep my frame of mind geared onto to work, nose up.  Boom, I landed flat out on the couch because of him and his words (not necessarily his fault, it was just the way things were).

My work requires a very strong controlled independent mindset, without that mindset everything falls apart very quickly as it's hard taxing work with multiple changing variables.  It requires discipline, a keen eye and very proactive planning.  Missing the smallest details and not accounting for things most do not even think of can be extremely costly.  It's all or nothing at times.  For me anyways, in nearly 25 years, slipping on one small thing can easily cost the next job's wages.

Anyways, I am always thinking about how to make something, anything work but...  I know realistically - I have been murdered.  I have rebuilt my life over and over and over...  I know what it takes and I know what situations are too painful and too unfruitful to bother with.  In the back of my mind, or compartmentalized within it, I really do feel suicide is the only logical thing to do.

It was practically impossible not to land here being so run down and then thrown out the way I was.  I lived with the high stresses of my siblings undermining my financial relationship with my mother for a very very long time.  I do not think anyone understands.  My Father did.  My Mother used to but now you have all polarized and walled her.  Just before it happened, I know she did not want this.  Thanks for nothing you morons.

Now if I can only figure how to print some things off of my laptop to the library printer.  I own everything I need to function, I do not have access to any of it.  This is such bullshit.  I own three printers and it looks like I am stopped because I do not have a USB cord.  Simple for most of you, a waste of money I do not have in buying one for me.