!@#$ - Costing me all of my best friends.

"I do not want to help myself" my friend had said after I explained that he should just stop giving me money until he has some time to talk to me.  He thinks like many people do, that I need to get working, just get working.

Well, yes... but I have to carefully untangle myself and get the cart behind the horse for that to happen.  His idea is just to throw all that expensive (now damaged) property in the truck that I need, into the upper floor of the Motel, somehow magically select and recover my tools from home and just start working.  Just like that, just snap my fingers.  So simple - not.

All that does is leave me in a worse position.  This place is over $2000+ per month in rent.  I have no fuel.  I have no money.  I have no food.  I have no work supplies.  My cell is going to cut out.  My insurance will not be able to be renewed.  I won't make that when it comes up now too.  Jail, a Psychiatric Evaluation, a bunch of Bullshit.

So in the end, all I will have done is to have placed myself into a worse cluster-@#$% than I am in now.  The result?  I lose the all the possessions in the truck, the truck, and on and on and on.  It is far more complicated than people assume.  Sure, I could just jump to work.  Dirty, dusty and that alone will get me evicted from the wrong residence.  I needed one of those places I found.

I'm @$#%'ed, the moment he insisted I just get a Motel and figure things out instead of trying to secure a suite, I was @#$^'ed.  Yes, he was right - get some sleep and figure things out rather than making desperate decisions, but this has already all been calculated.  This is the problem when you are accepting someone's help.  You have two brains making decisions and the only one who knows what is right, is the one who is accountable.

Everything is fine if I had money.  Realistically, I probably need $5000.  There's just no hope, if there was, I would be pushing.  That's what I have been doing for a long time, pushing against the odds.

The only real hope I have in hell now is returning home and even if that was to happen, some Judge would want all this paperwork, drawing it all out beyond... any manageable timeframe.  The worst, I cannot even be supported properly to deal with Court.  Almost like the first Court case.  Almost like it is all meant to be that way so that I do not stand a chance.

Hence, the reason I wanted to check into a Hospital.  At least there, I could have had what another guy had while he played the game in the System.  He was going to get evicted as he couldn't pay his rent.  So he checked into the hospital saying he was feeling suicidal.  He sat there with his laptop and bought time in a situation he may or may not have worked out.

Not only would I keep my independence, I could access Social Services in a more appropriate manner, I could be free to work out my situation for Court and a hospital would have allowed me proper Psychiatry if I could have led it myself, rather than be forced.  Well that is, if I needed doctors reports that is.  Perhaps I really do, because the Judges need them.  See, my idea of checking in was appropriate.  Outpatient care is not what I need.

Anyways, I have been MURDERED.  Right now I am fine, but I won't be again soon unless I can find another rock to turn over.  This is completely unacceptable.  The way all of this was handled, starting two years ago - almost to date.  I almost dropped dead five times in a three week period.  Two and a half months later they boot me out penniless...

Those 'Doctors' were frauds.  Rather than listening to what I had to tell them, it was all about slapping a label on me, taking away my right to drive, treatment sessions and trying to force medication down my throat.  You see, none of that would have happened if this was done in the light of day, like this right here over the internet for the world to see.

I don't want to lose another friend but...

I said do not talk to her, do not tell her anything about me, do not tell her how I am doing.  Do not give her any information.  It is better that she is concerned.  Find out if my cat is alive.  No, I do not want clothes from the house.  Leave everything that was in the house, in the house, I know what I took, I know what I didn't.  You are just making it harder.  Just get the truck that's it.  I also said one more thing important thing over text.

Do know what I got?

• So I spoke with her (almost extensively, several times because... )
• I told her you were Ok, you were doing well, yada yada.
• You are legally not allowed to blah blah blah

Really?  Like I didn't have my lawyer telling me this, like I didn't hear it in the Courtroom, like I didn't have to sign the list with a Justice of the Peace, like I didn't have to painfully listen to a Bail Officer, as if I do not have it in writing...  I need you to tell me those words coming from her mouth, words she has only been told over the phone?

Gee, did she tell you that I do not want to help myself too?  Which is something she was probably told by the others who want to ensure that I am undermined so that they do not face their own music?  It's like poison, cancer, it just spreads.

Kind of like what happened to my Cousin Mark.  Gee Mark, I am really concerned that you are going to talk to them and they are going to poison you.  Oh, you have no time for people like them, you'll never talk them yada yada.  Then, sure enough... there he is, I could sense it, going behind my back and eventually just spouting off their words as he covets my belongings.

I fucking hate depending on people and having anyone involved in my life. Especially those who have ties.  I have actually always, always, not liked anyone too close to my personal business.  Everytime..

The other thing I said in the text to my friend, a thing that would have been more constructive to this situation than anything else, was completely ignored.  My friend seems to know more than I do.  I am just someone who does not want to help himself.  Which is exactly why I am burned almost right out from surviving and surviving... because I do not want to help myself.

Not wanting to help myself.  That's just a cop out for people who understandibly do not have the time nor the care to help someone.  Honestly, he's done more than I would for most.  For him.. yes I would have done at least the same financially and physcially if not more.  If I could afford it probably a lot more.

I don't blame anyone, I just wish people didn't ignore what you ask of them interacting with complex situations in your life.  Everyone does this, nearly everyone.  I will tell anyone reading this what I do know about myself, the moment I lose independence, which has realistically already happened - I am finished.  I do not function well with people involved at every turn.

Which is exactly what the System seems designed to do.  Finish people off and ensure they never get up.