Finally, I felt like I had some breathing room.  No immediate Court Dates in front of me, I had some semi-order, emotions and stresses disappating. I bought a new chair as the one I was using up until this point had sharp painful protrusions sticking in my back.  Last year, this day - I was wishing I had belongings from home to organize, do the things I felt were important and... to survive.

Just not meant to be.

It didn't help Mark Berladyn's appreciation nor his respect towards me when I would go to a job to price it, spending money I do not have, only to realize the tools I need for the job are at home.  A place I could not legally return to.  Just continual kicks in the teeth, continual insults to injuries from those who ASSUME what is correct and proper for another person.

By this date last year, I was in a better frame of mind. I had the freedom and the will to start picking myself up and putting myself back on my feet, but... I kept suffering from compounding issues.

I would scrape and borrow money for gas to look at jobs, this so I could have money in my own pocket to stop being dependent, only to get to the job trying to hide desperation, to realize while pricing it... that I have to do the jobs without the tools I already have, which means driving out was for nothing.

Imagine investing all this time and energy into equipping yourself so that you can be dynamic and roll through the punches in Life, only to have some Loser tell you that don't need this or you do not need that.  Imagine trying to prepare yourself for the situation just stated and while you are trying to prepare yourself, the City Police decide for themselves that you should just move ( now ).

Imagine desperately trying to climb back up into independence, only to find yourself in situations where other people are dismissing you over things they have no idea that you need.  Then putting you down for not listening 'their' advice, in effect crippling you more and self-servingly proving themselves right by their own ignorance.

Unless you have been independent, self-employed, relying on complete honest work and hard reality...  I cannot even write it...  I do not even want to at this moment.  There seems to be no shortage of people who are falsely elevated thinking they are better than they really are.

I'm totally clamped down.  Truck is below empty, below E, I do not have enough money to keep operating, my primary tools are no longer with me, I am trying to get over being drained, I am trying to keep settled, I am trying to look at all the options while at the same time thinking I only have one move to save my Independence and Sanity in the longer term.

People who live here and own nothing are asking me for small favours. Print Resumes, no problem - but I do not need the distraction as I may only have a roof over my head for less than 24 hours.  Next, I am being asked to drive someone to the beer store and to buy his beer for him.  Just makes me want to blow my top.  Why would I want to waste my limited time, energy, lack of money and risks to take a guy to the beer store ?

I wanted him to help load my truck, he wanted a ride to the beer store. Fine.  He has no idea and no care how much he's taxing my person, coming back and loading my truck. He cannot believe what I have for tools.  Without even knowing how insulting it is having some young kid with nothing tell me that I do not need this stuff...  I forgive him for it, but this is a common cycle.  I do not understand people.

I am not perfect, but why are people so... 

Next, as I try to explain that I do not want to hear his opinions and his advice on what he thinks I do and do not need, as I try to save it for survival, he starts muttering more.  He really has to give me some advice that he thinks is correct, I know what he wants to say.  I explain to him to keep it to himself, I do not want what is in his vessel to be dumped in mine.

I give him examples of what happened in Court, but he really cannot help himself.  He just has to help me, by telling me erroneous advice that I do not want my ears to hear, advice that I do not want in my computer.  He gets upset and tells me he will not help as he walks away to go drink the beer I had spent what I do not have in getting him.

He wasn't trying to advise me for my benefit, he was trying to advise me for HIS.  This is the way most people unwittingly are.  They do not even realize what they are doing.  Now, this will be a jinx, but I am left thinking is there no one left who pays attention to the whether they are harming or benefiting another as they 'help' them to meet their own needs ?

It is like the girl who was suicidal last year, I sensed it.  I knew something was wrong and when she killed herself, everyone was shocked.  Everyone but me.