Well, one thing I was never was able to really do was write. As much as I have, I was never free from problems to write everything the way I wanted to. The Port Moody Police failed me and that is obvious to me each time I catch a lie.
August - This Month, this Year
I entered the month, strained and low on cash, but managing. In terms of home, returning, probation ending, seeing a lawyer, the Port Moody Police phone, all that stuff more... longer term plans, all unknown and taxing. What do you do if you are too overloaded? Let it sit and settle while you distract yourself else where. That's what.
I was committed to a job from a Small General Contractor, he needed me to do it, but once I learned what he allotted for pay (too low), that strained our relationship. I did the job for him, but I first made him pay what it was worth. That stressed our future as I am certain he hummed and hawed about whether to pay or not.
Then two friends phoned, both needed help. One asked me to commit to him, all while he kept forgetting to get back to me, putting off his job as he didn't have time. I normally do not... anyways, another friend, he too needed help. He bid a job too cheap to be nice to a guy he liked, then asked me to eat the cost as he did what I always remembered him doing. Demanding the most complicated and tasking way of finishing a job - for too cheap. That was not the best week for me.
The with Forest Fires burning, smoke in the air, the Air Quality was draining me because of my health. My health is Physically Damaged and it affects me more than others. People claim it is from work, partially, but in reality it is from my family and the problems there, then as always, exasperated by third parties. I wasn't able to sleep and each day bled into the next, continually. Instead of looking for work... I screwed myself. I didn't even make calls, I just distracted myself with Facebook waiting for something to fall through and all while continually expecting myself to do things so that they would fall through. Of course, I kept waiting for myself to feel better. I never used to be like this, at some point the lights to get my rear end moving would come on a lot earlier.
Finally, while waiting for a few tentative jobs to come in, I decided to go home to 560 Foress Dr. I did that on a whim. That day is partly listed here. The one with the audio recordings. There is more going on than just that though, like always. Drained and weak, down to maybe a $100 which is not much, not enough for my unavoidable expenses, I went home to see where things were at, to get it over with.
As I came back, drained and exhausted... I wanted to upload those audio files before the chain reaction caught up to me. While doing so, I walked to the store here for a coffee. On the return I suddenly had this urge to just throw myself into an oncoming van. Not fair of me I thought, not fair to the driver, but the scarier thought was just how easy that would have been for me to do. I've been in very deep dark dark dark places before, so dark it was surreal, I've even tried it and I couldn't do it. There was little inhibition when I was walking down the street, this is very different.
Upon getting back in and uploading the audio files, I hear my name faintly called. I am tired and slow, but it I check to see, it is a Female RCMP Member asking me to come outside. I state that I will be right there as I now am determined to upload and release the audio before I speak with the RCMP. Just in case I get 'carted off' and have them complicate things so much more than they are. (Actually, I know it's a Death Sentence).
The Female RCMP Member repeats herself three times trying to Command Me. I suppose she expects me to jump immediately to her call. Each time I am thinking what the fuck is wrong with you? I said I would be right there. All she was doing was making me take longer under stress in checking the page display. I kept making Mistakes, Typos. I had to keep editing to make sure everything works.
Then I grab my recorder and outside I go. Anyways the point here is, that that was really agitating. I told you I would be right there. Perhaps women should NOT be Members. I know that sounds sexist, but for fuck-sakes, what are you really trying to prove woman? Males just seem to automatically get things that Females do NOT.
Kind of like General OHASHI there with the PMPD. All nervous and scared one day, then the next day her little chest is swollen behind that badge. Even stating once "I don't care about that right now" in response to me asking her, as she was mentally attempting to bully me around in a hospital, asking her if she was aware that my family drove me into bankruptcy and near suicide. "I don't care about that" with puffed breasts hiding behind a shield.
A JOKE - incompetence murdered me.
In Court, what did she care? She cared that she won the case and she was all happy the System worked on her side so she didn't look wrong. That is PATHETIC. However, it does not all lay with her. I know what that Department did because everything I was seeing, everything the back of my mind was noting, was right... I just cannot presume guilt until there is guilt. And there is.
Moving on...
The night the RCMP were here, I was busy online looking for work and distracting myself with Global Affairs. That is how I stay sane I suppose, distractions. They are GOOD Distractions. Anyways, if I didn't find work right now at this time, I may as well walk in front of a car, that was running through my brain. Explaining that funds are low the woman I rent from... just breeds insecurities, spying, questioning and doubt.
I had to trust (again) in someone I never worked with before, drive out to Langley, literally run out of money the next day, trusting he'd pay me. Exhausted. Naturally, I didn't even sleep. So many things turning inside, Canada, the United Nations, home, the police, the conversations, doctors, my mother, the things I stated in the recording that I wish I had stated better, or expanded upon, or even stopped repeating so I could say other things not written. Everything I wrote, uploading it all. Work. Money. I couldn't sleep.
Next Day
Exhausted. Having to negotiate with no footing with a guy younger than me that I do not know, on a jobsite that is panicked, a mess and situations you do not understand unless you are in the Trade. Against all odds, so many times I have been here, I am burned out from it, I have to buy food, gas, smokes and rent. Everyone... people have no idea, I also do not have the strength I used to. I am physically sick, I just cannot bull through a job anymore. Every little detail lost equates to less money and less production. I have the most square inches of finished product on my plate than any other trade, piecework, in a job that is not ready with all kinds of people continually in my way. Last guy through, all the problems of that position are very taxing, especially when you run the most efficient when you are proud, in the zone and able to keep production positive by being pro-active.
After a clusterfuck of a day, trying to push through it exhausted, get some money (which is terrible to ask for), try to coax this burned out body and mind to slowly catch gears and find a groove work wise. To slowly find internal confidence. One step at a time, do the Mission Impossible. It dawned on me, as much as I didn't have the time to accept it, I caved into an old rule, and that is 'the first day onsite is always a wright-off'. It's a loss... you lose too much time.
I put in enough of a day and I pack up close to a normal quitting time, actually quite later on from what used to be normal, when I used to start early. Through the parking lot, everyone, Men and Women, notice a couple holding hands. Two woman, one stereotypical and one who thinks she is an eccentric John Wayne, excessively wide swinging hips and a boys haircut. Just odd, almost likely witnessing a car accident.
You can see it in everyone's faces, everyone notes it, then everyone turns a blind eye. I mean everyone. I think to myself, that woman is so sick in the head, that she thinks she has a penis. She is sick. She, no matter how hard she tries, she will never be a man. She is an Egg trying to be a Sperm. It is so ridiculous... her brain doesn't not even work the same.
I really do not care if people want to drag me through corrupted Tribunals. I will have to be shot dead before I ever change my mind on this stuff. Maybe this sick upside down world will do that to me? I do not know. I would rather stick with what is Right - Nature. Nature, those who against it, get Destroyed by it. This Society can kill me like many before me, but... when things are not right in the world, the Pendulum eventually swings back and it can do so with a Wrath. You get what you give, go against God and...
With all of the above and more on my mind, sitting waiting in a line up of cars, waiting for a long freight train in the Sun, all tired worn inside, I texted those thoughts. When I was done, I put the phone in it's holder and I sat there. Afterwards, this led my mind into drifting onto the RCMP Member who kept calling me out. Kept calling me out when I kept telling her in reply: "I will be right there". I never had a chance to think about that, the repeated attempt at Command. Well I did, but I never had the chance to process it which is why it does not appear in the writing with the recordings. [Timothy 2:12]
Miserable, I now reached in my glove box. That Female Member, she kept agitating me by commanding me outside calling up to my window repetitively after I told her I would be right down. I know why they are there, I know the risk to my life if they force me into incarceration, I know what I personally need to do to protect myself and through the day had enough unsettling items. (Not that they could know that)
Feeling not right about it, I reached into my glovebox, I do not remember what for, but I do remember I did so as a reaction to my thoughts. While doing so my foot relaxed from the brake pedal, I slowly rolled into the car ahead of me without realizing it. Bump. Great, just what I need.
I get out and approach the car in front of me, it is almost as if she does not know. I ask her to roll down the window, I explain apologetic. I offer her to let the train pass so we can inspect the damage looks to be none. I am tired, it's hot in the Sun. She's really nice, cute too. Suddenly I realize I can just back up, the cars behind me have not moved. I back up and there is two tiny marks in her paint.
Disappointed. I cannot allow her to suffer that, so I point them out and say it'll have to be fixed. I am too tired to think of how to do this, I know I do not want to waste a free accident and I know I don't have the cash on hand at the moment with my immediate problems and my longer term problems. I assume I might just have to pay ICBC directly for the damage, even though that.. is something that might sink me.
After the train passed, we did what people SHOULD do. We pulled around into a parking lot to exchange information instead of blocking traffic like a couple of Dolts. I don't have the energy to be as thorough as I like. I gave her my info and took a picture of hers. Asking where her name was from as I have interest at the moment, any race, any religion, I seem to ask questions that spawn within me - receiving smiles in return for being so interested.
She was from the UK and I would have loved to have hit on her, but I could not do that. She might be surprised, but she looked really good in what she was wearing, her... never mind. Looked really nice. Cute too. She'd make someone a good girlfriend. Nice, Polite, Kind. If I wasn't so unhealthy, she could bring a lot of warmth and healing into my life. Anyways.... I am too old for that.
In the position I am in right now, I could have been on top of work sooner, but for compounding reasons I wasn't. My main gig seems to be to no longer stress myself out, do what everyone always says "do not be hard on yourself". I can no longer afford to be, no matter how much I might want to.
So now I have gone through almost not making it, finding work, potential incarceration (death sentence if they did that, even two days would have sunk me), to so many tiny hiccups on the job, to this accident. I was thinking many would might cheer it on as Karma. I am a "Sexist" Male. A Misogynist. That is what people will do when I write about it I thought, especially in the great detail I had wanted to.
I was thinking to myself, this is what some will state is Karma that I deserve, laughing. But is it really my Karma? The two holding hands earlier created a notable wave that slowly dissipated after it hit me once, twice and then three times. Causing ripples in my Spiritual Being. Of course, once again people will say it is how I react... but I react inside the way I do because of the realities it prompts me to think about.
Back to the Female RCMP Member continually repeating her "Commands" to come outside each time I replied that I'd be right there... That was a Rippling Wave too. One I was too occupied to process at the time. I knew it was there, but I was too busy upstairs. By the time I was able to process it, I was sitting in traffic days later and in response to my feelings, I reach in the Glove Box and roll into the car in front of me. That could end my life right there. My fault, my Karma, or hers too for trying so hard in a job that was formerly Typically Male, throughout history. Over six feet and smiling Male.
This now moves into further ripples. What if I am $600-1000 short for insurance because I paid out of my own pocket to fix this young ladies car I damaged? I cannot throw away a free accident for that. Is it my Karma or Karma initiated by Women trying so hard to be something they can never be. If they were smart, they would never want to be a 'Man'. Of course, deep down they know that, otherwise they wouldn't want to be. However, maybe you have to be a heterosexual 'Man' to fully understand it.
Perhaps I should also include what a 'Man' actually is...
I have self defined a fitting Quote, but I am not going to leave it here for my own Karma. I am also far too tired to ensure I write it properly.
Tonight..
Being nice to the Crazy Lady and slowly letting her talk more and more to me, this after having no choice in exchanging conversation with her a few weeks ago, was disastrous. Lately, she had become all comfortable again, What did she do tonight? She broke the deal that was agreed to on moving in. I get one half the garage, she gets the other half. All too comfortable with herself, she does what she always does in her chaotic unstable personal nature. She decided to move my tools and start personalizing my storage of them.
Perhaps, I should cut her some slack but...I have a hard time keeping tabs on where everything is, as it is, and she just goes and stirs my life and my livelihood even more. As if wasn't enough that she leaves the door up for all the strangers walking by to see what is inside, she actually has to start touching it all, this after commenting that I am so much more organized than her. She was embarrassed over it. A pack rat and a tidy ordered person, an ordered person who is having a hard time being efficient with the changing dynamics of his life, both behind and in front of him, because he is not near as organized as he would like to be.
Naturally I ask her not to touch my tools. My belongings. My livelihood. I am polite. She breaks down into defensive mode and starts rewriting history to suit her needs. This dingbat right here, she could drive me right into suicide and what she just dumped on my plate before getting her shit in a knot over it all, is enough to sink me on it's own. It is Sunday tomorrow and I am having to work, I am trying to get myself to rest and find concentration and a natural groove for the job, and this ding bat... gets all upset because I called her out for disorganizing and putting her hands on the last remaining bits of livelihood I have.
It is a Chain Reaction.
This ditch pig, who I do not rent from has now decided that the Garage is all hers (against initial agreement) and that I am just going to have to get a storage locker. Do you know what people? A person only takes so much. It is too Taxing going through this Cycle, the lower you get, the weaker you get, and the more taxing life becomes.
I understood this principle, over 20 years ago. PS> I could probably write three times as much as I did here, trying to cover all the tiny bits I have had to deal with on top of this. The tiny things can sink me just as fast as the big things. Even releasing this... it gives me people too much insight, but how can I care at this stage? Email to: Landlady HearthHi, I tried texting you earlier, I am not sure if it went though. So I copied the text to email it here. Since then I hve learned where you are tonight. My condolences, but I need to send this anyways. Regardless. _____ Hi. No Pressing Immediate Need. However, saying hi and being nice to Leanne always comes with consequences. I paid to clear that Garage of Garbage. The second dump that you contributed to actually cost twice as much, I didn't say anything. I swept that area and have stored my tools in the half of the Garage that was agreed was mine when I moved in. Now Leeane has gotten carried way, she has been moving all my stuff around, claiming she has to wash the floors because of my mess. I have not made any dust in there. I have cleaned organized and stored my livelihood for the most part untouched. Now she's moved it all around, and she is personaling my stuff. I cannot have that. I asked her to please not touch my stuff. I have been polite, I really do not need her chaos and drama. She immediately went into full defence and started lying through her teeth. When I mobed in, she pushed into becoming suicidal. The more I went downhill the more she pushed. Now she’s claiming the whole garage is hers and... I have been nice. I have been direct. I have been polite. I have told her she is completely unstable. I have told her she is creating her own false historical fact to fit her narrative. I have told her she is crazy. .. and I have walked away. If she manages to push me into suicide, this text will be Read. I really do not need more bullshit. The police came to check on me just two days go. Apparently other police were very scared because of they situation they created. I had went and checked up at home. You can listen to all you want, it was recorded and you might actually like it. I really hope you can straighten Leeane out for me and put her in her place or spank her or what ever you do. I felt completely VIOLATED over this. You do not touch other peoples property let alone their livelihood, especially in places they were assigned and agreed to upon moving in. By the way, who are the drug dealers who keep showing up for Leanne? They are always searching through their car frantically for whatever small items they drop and lose. Everytime, must be twenty times at least I have seen them do that. Anyways, I do not want problems and I am sure you do not either. I think my respecting my belongings by not touching them is not too much to ask. Thank you.