Last night, I wasn't falling asleep. Out of curiosity, I briefly took a notice of who was viewing this site. There is often interesting locations, some are scary because I am putting too much information here, but there's always that one place over the pond that captures my attention.  I never know if it is Spiritual, Judicial, Political or truly nothing at all. I wanted to write about it, but I figured that I wouldn't bother.

I also wanted to post, that I don't think this is my mother's fault. When it was just her and I, especially when she was in need, it was actually something that seemed to work well. It was my siblings, her friends, her expectation in life and her desire to be seen such a way that caused all of this. Well my desire too, I value things other people don't even seem to register in their own lives.

Either way, I think how the System is treating me is Criminal. I even told my lawyer right after that Judgement that they are going to turn me into a Criminal.

I have done nothing wrong.

I swing back and forth between wanting to believe that there is an actual Justice System that is better than what the lawyers had told me, that is better than what I myself believe, I keep falling into a trap that these people actually want to help me, but the reality I don't think they do. Why would you rule something that is unjust against someone and then throw them into Psychiatry?  Why would you make a person sick?

I can believe they want to actually perform Judicial Corrections, but it doesn't feel that way.  If they wanted to perform Judicial Corrections, I think I would be at home and the whole Family would be under Supervision, Counselling, a firm Peace Order that kind of thing.  You wouldn't simply kill a person without understanding what you are doing to their life. Who the fuck decided this anyways?

I am so stupid.  It hit me today. It must have been that 'Communist' little get together, where Mental Health Frauds, perhaps combined with inept uncaring Police, simply make decisions on your Life. Ones that actually Violate your true Guaranteed Rights in this Country. Who the hell has any right to determine what is right for me but myself? Who?

Aside from God - Who?

I glanced at a document where they were asking me, why is it so important to you?  I keep thinking, what is wrong you people, why would it not be important to me? Simply because you never did anything like I have in my life? In many ways, I have done nothing and in many ways I have done more than anyone I know. What is wrong with People? Do none of you actually have any deep personal beliefs, convictions and sense purpose?

Anyhow, I keep thinking - Ok, perhaps this Forensics will actually help me, but there is something inside that keeps telling me otherwise. They mgiht just want the information asked for to screw me over some more.  Then my Crown Lawyer, no offense to him, but we are on two totally different pages. There is so much more to this for me than anyone else probably assumes.

Reordering that PSR or whatever he thought was right.  He does not even comprehend the things I think of. He's just part of the System and I don't want to hurt him inside, but his remarks are telling.  Maybe any Lawyer would be the same, he is good at what he does. It's just our motivations maybe different. He has other clients, I don't think he's aware of my own actions.

I suppose I should have just withdrew my plea. I don't know, but I do know that all of this feels completely Criminal. There is no fucking way any of this should have happened.  Not unless Canada has Communists in it's Sails and the Country is overrun with Criminals. I suppose it really is and I just don't want to open my eyes and see it. Or perhaps I am just overly using that word. In some ways it is fitting for many people.

Communists?

Half the Population is full of morons that are easily controlled. Everyone wants things for free. I have a very hard time believing, even if this System wanted to help me, that I will actually get back what all you assholes took from me. Somethings are beyond Material Value. You really have no idea on the things very deeply personal to me.

The only benefit I can see at this moment, is one of a total non-care for what I am putting on the Internet. I like to be PRIVATE. It's actually what I wanted since I small boy.  There was different things I had wanted throughout my life, but I have a good memory when I am alone in my thoughts.

My abdomen hurts like it's bruised, you people think you have the right to have little group meetings and make decisions on people's lives and yeah... I feel like you are Criminals. A Judicial Body of Judges perhaps in certain situations, but not you idiots in those Offices. It was all the way back in November, around November 17th..  that I thought the PMPD was handling it correctly, then bam..

My Family Pressed On

The doors are locked and it's late.  I had thought the PMPD had instilled peace so my mother and I could talk.  Seemed like it made it sense, it what was needed.  The removal of outsiders.