I needed to be in a place like home, a very long time ago.  I've needed everything month.  I'm done. I can't even go on. How can I give you people anything when you taken what I need to provide it?

Sentencing.... I passed out, it was impossible to attend, I didn't even get to make the decision to go or not. Life made that decision.

I could have built a very accurate history, I still can.  How can I do that  when my life is spread over three properties I can't even access?  I can't even work from here.  Speaking of from here, I can't stay. Social Services, what the fuck are they going do for me?  Nothing apparently.

It's so simple it is fucking ridiculous.  Give me what I need to myself back together and I will give you everything you need.  I am done very soon here.

Just a Ramble that didn't say what I wanted it to say

Just a few nights ago, I was thinking how crippled I am.  How crippled my life is.  How it is so simple to fix and so simple to provide everyone what they need, including myself.  Yet it's impossible to ask anyone to provide what I actually need.  It's ridiculous.  Some of it is how I work, but come on this System.

Once I received that letter for Psychiatry and a Psychologist, that was it. I started augering inwards.  I started thinking of different options, then I thought if no one is going actually help me, I'll have to help myself trying to save my life by breaking the law and just returning where I should be in this overall situation.  Of course I would get arrested and that would cause more problems.  So I get murdered either way.

Then my lawyer phoned.  He sounded upbeat an confident.  My mind was fairly clear what I needed to do and I told him, but I immediately lost that thinking when the woman I am living with wanted to have a chat.  This is why I need a cave.  To be secluded, because I lost all thoughts after she wanted a chat. She was very concerned for my well being I read that letter, she noticed me change.

I feel like this is impossible.  I keep developing an outlook and attempting to do something and some event disturbs me.  Like a Creditor phoning.  Bell Mobility, take a hike.  You screwed me up so much, you owe me money in reverse billing charges.  I am not paying you a cent.  You do not need to give money to Mental Health, you just need to be ethical in your business practices.

Then I here I am today trying to figure what to say to the Judge to get what I actually need.  Then I get a knock on the door, I have more mail.  They want me to do some stuff that I would already have for them if I was given what I needed, what you all took from me. All I am going to do is give her bad information.

I first read the letter wrong because when you, or at least when I read Corrections, it makes me feel like a Criminal. In my head, I am not the Criminal, you got the wrong guy.  When I read sentencing report, I just want to commit suicide and be done with it all.

You Murdered me

All I have ahead of me is a life of torture.  Fuck, put me back together then ask me to assemble my information, then ask me to give it you.  I guess that was that Social Worker.  But what good was that, I am trying to keep working and deal with everything and all I get is links.  I can't look at that stuff.

There's no space in my head for it.  I guess this is me making a big deal about nothing in peoples eyes.  But I can't do a fucking thing without organization an office all my belongings and now it'll be no money.  Fuck me.

I guess that feeling of suicide has passed, but it felt pretty strong when I first read that letter.   Save me, put me back in my home, back together will all my belongings, I am losing them and my future by the minute.