March 22nd, 2016
I have roughly $100 in my pocket. I cannot turn left, I cannot turn right. There is no plan available to me, no plottable course that will fix my situation. I don't even have a place to sleep. Nothing will work from this situation. All roads lead to the same path, personal destruction.
I am actually contemplating just parking the truck and living on Hastings Street. I cannot calculate any other outcome than that. The alternative is, to fill up the truck with gasoline and drive out of the city limits until I run out of fuel. Meet my fate that way.
I do not even have a place to sleep this night. I decide one more time to try with someone who cares. I telephone my beloved cousin Mrs. Yards of Apples. We have roughly a thirty-minute conversation. I do not want to ask, but at least if I had a roof over my head this night, it might buy me enough time to figure out the next step...
March 22nd, 2016
I have roughly $100 in my pocket. I cannot turn left, I cannot turn right. There is no plan available to me, no plottable course that will fix my situation. I don't even have a place to sleep. Nothing will work from this situation. All roads lead to the same path, personal destruction.
I am actually contemplating just parking the truck and living on Hastings Street. I cannot calculate any other outcome than that. The alternative is, to fill up the truck with gasoline and drive out of the city limits until I run out of fuel. Meet my fate that way.
I do not even have a place to sleep this night. I decide one more time to try with someone who cares. I telephone my beloved cousin Mrs. Yards of Apples. We have roughly a thirty-minute conversation. I do not want to ask, but at least if I had a roof over my head this night, it might buy me enough time to figure out the next step.
She tells me that I should see a Doctor and get Medication.
I am telling her everything that I can to inform her of my situation without actually asking her if I can spend the night there. She tells me to see a doctor and get pills. I have to ask you this cousin, I really do not want to because everyone likes you, including me, but...
Are you a Fucking Idiot?
The both you said, everyone knows my mother is in that house because of me. Do you remember when I would stop by the Shop if it was on my route home from work? Do you remember the times I would discuss my Family Members, my Siblings? Do you know that I was practically in tears begging for help on the drive there?
Do you remember laughing with your Sister? How you two thought it was something to Gossip about? How you would conclude what my siblings were. That they would manipulate the situation, etc? That my mother spoke regurgitated words? That's a good description by the way.
Are the two of you Dense?
Why is it your Father was the only one who understood? I was coming to you for help and you thought it was Gossip. And Yes, your mother really did say what she said at the Wake for the reasons I understood. Candy coat her words all you want making excuses. That was a terrible thing to say.
You ask someone to install a door for you, then you treat them like crap, telling them that they, emphasis on they, like they are some nut job, can't go in the garage to get a screwdriver? I'm the only one who even knew they were out of my siblings. I am the only one who had drinks with your Father in there.
I am the only one who ever even came there. I am the only one who cut that grass, painted that house, worked in your bathroom or dropped by for the occasional visit over the years. In the last few years, yes, I was coming for help. You idiots thought I needed medication. I needed help with my family. Not medication and Doctors.
No wonder why People commit Suicide.
Seriously. You all drank the water. You even have so and so on medication. Are you morons? It is a FRAUD. Once your labelled and everyone drives you nuts, they just make money. Of course, you don't even see it. You are too fucking dumb. I even remember concluding that while I took those pills I gave my word I would take.
You know that wheelchair ramp for your dad? The one I was asked to help with, the other things around there I was asked if I would help with? I felt terrible. I wanted to help. I remember thinking if I wasn't drowning with problems in that house from my siblings, I'd be stable and I'd happily help. It was like torture.
My Fathers Passing
I'm going to put it here. My two older brothers, Jim and Mike BERLADYN. I remember, Jim said to Mike we have to go to the shop and go through it so your Father, my Uncle, didn't steal our dad's belongings. Then Jim had stated, the two of them will go to ensure it's Fair. If it was to be Fair, why I wasn't I going?
Not only am I a Son, a Brother, I spent more time in that shop than the two of them combined, multiplied by X amount of times. I am also the only one who drew a pay cheque from there in our lives. I am the only one who would often go see the Uncles. And those two, where going to ensure no one rips anyone off and that it was all Fair.
Do you know what your dad told me? They told me those two made him feel like shit. They looted through that Shop. Looted through there, with no respect to the Man that kept my Father alive. Your dad helped my dad more than anyone, especially in the end. He was in the Hospital more than my own brothers were. They made him feel like Shit.
They made me feel like Shit too. All in the name of being "Fair" (to whom?). Like your own dad had said, Jim BERLADYN is all about himself. Then you go to him to sell your dad's belongings. That made me sick. Hope it worked out for you. I imagine him being in his good shoes, making sure he looks like a hero.
Hospital Trips, My Second One
I am getting tired as I write this, but I've just had this feeling since it happened. I am going to write it. As I was living in a trailer, with intermittent power, no running water, no shower, no toilet, no heat in February of 2016, with crippled finances and just getting my job back, I posted to Facebook.
I posted that I never want to talk to any of you ever again. I asked you all for years for help. Nothing. I just gave you all something to Gossip about. That is all I did. Not being great at Gossip and actually having to work my ass off in my industry, I naturally lost out in the circle of clucking women.
I am begging for help for years with a real problem. A family problem. A looming financial problem. A looming housing problem that will all snowball and wipe me out for good. A devasting emotional problem that as a doctor even stated was taking years off my life.
I just get back to work. I just get my job back. Some fucking MORON calls the RCMP, sending three Police cars and I heard six Constables to the Trailer I am living in. Perhaps it was only three. That threatened my housing. The owner did not like the Police around his house. In fact, it led to shortening the duration of my stay.
It didn't end there. One day back at work. One day back. I am dealing with being off work. I am dealing with being away from this particular company seven months after abruptly leaving. I am dealing someone else having the position I was offered.
I am dealing the loss of thousands and thousands in savings and employment. At the time, I had figured that was $25,000 - Lost. Unrecoverable. To help me, some fucking MORON phoned the RCMP worried I was a suicide about to happen. That Moron only helped themselves feel better.
Whoever that fucking Idiot was, they step up and state it was them. What a fucking moron. You send more Officers to my work. My work. Then they took me away from my work. Do you have any idea the amount stress that placed me under? Another risk of involuntary incarceration. What that did to my psychology and work relationships in a company I just got back to?
I have some Advice. If you want to help someone, get off your fat ass and do it yourself. It's called PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. When you do it yourself, you get to see the Cause and Effect. You get to see if you actually helped or if you hurt someone. You get see with your own eyes what they need.
Accountability
It's not too much to ask for, for someone you claim to care about.
Goodbye.