January 2009

  Working:  Opt/Bosa/Esprit   Med: Eff/Zyp

• 7th - My brother in law Colin Palmer is actively involving himself in trying to fix a slow drain in the new upstairs shower I paid for and installed.  In fact, I don't watch out he'll completely start dismantling everything.  I completely renovated that entire bathroom, starting just months before.  He's pushing to open up the drywall and replace all the pipe in the house, without even trying Draino.  This aggitates me as I'd like him to mind his own business and not involve himself in the house dynamics, the politics, nor my personal business.   I don't want major renovations until things are straight.  I have a hard time understanding why he's so clueless.  He should just consider himself lucky he's staying here for free.  I write my Psychologist#1 and explain that as soon as I start to recover from my sister (and brother in law's) presence, they will return to hit me again.  Yet somehow I feel remorseful for my feelings towards my sister, I know she needs help after losing her house.  I am upset that I am not consulted before they start projects around the house.  I complain about the problems of not being on Title.  I question whether I am being selfish.

February 2009

Working:  Opt/Bosa/Esprit   Med: Eff/Zyp

• 23rd - Visited Psychologist#1.
• 24th - Writing to my Psychologist#1 remorsefully again.  I am having problems getting up at 4:00am and maintaining schedules with Bosa.  This is a big problem at work. I now again am causing problems for co-workers, my employer and even Bosa.  My mother states that she knows and agrees that I should be involved in the decisions here.  She agrees that those decisions should be between her and I.  I am complaining about conflicting lifestyles with my sister being here.  Completely opposite.  I've brought this to my sisters attention in the past and she replies "Good!".  She's very happy to upset me in my own home and hurt my Profession, Income, Reputation and both my Financial and Physical Health.  In truth they are burying me alive.  I am having a hard time staying sane.
• 25th - I am complaining about debt and finances, I am paying extremely high interets in debts incurred due to depressions caused by my immediate family.  The losses are huge and I am deeply embarrassed about them.  I can't even lean on any equity in the house and refinance myself to correct the inbalance.  If I remember right, I was paying $500 a month in interest/insurance and I couldn't make the time, or the self-esteem to talk to the bank.  My whole world cycles around work and staying pyschologically "up" instead of down and depressed.  It's a never ending fight.
• 26th - Trying to go to bed "early", yet I stay up till 8:30pm.  Even though I am having dinner with my "family" they make me not want to go to work for I fear of what they do while I am gone.  I am falling behind at work and I can't get rest.  As soon as I get in the driveway Colin Palmer is all over me, I get no peace, no sanity.  Mom is unhappy, I am unhappy.  I feel my oldest brother Jim Berladyn is stressing the household being involved.  He's upstairs cackling about a family member.  Mom's claims he's going on about Colin Palmer and not me.  Jim really sounds like he's ensuring that he's close to mom, they sound like two women upstairs as they gossip about the price of something he purchased for his cat.  Baby XXX cries when Jim picks her up and the Psychologist#1 states the baby must be a good judge of character.

March 2009

Working:  Opt/Bosa/Esprit   Med: Eff/Zyp

• 8th - Brother in Law, Colin Palmer decides to take his diesel engine apart in the drive way with his truck hanging three feet out  in the street, where it sits for at least three weeks.  It drives me literally crazy when I come home from work, along with the cigarette butts and beer bottles all over the propery.  Both mom and I are not happy with the late dinners since they've taken over the kitchen.  I must have slept through it, but Colin Palmer was drunk and fighting with my sister the night before.  He packed his belonings stating at 3am to my mother that he was leaving.  Mom said she hopes he never comes back.  I am empathetic towards everyone, even Colin, but I do not want to be involved as it's affecting me too deeply as it is.  I mention the reasons my sister lost her house, the $40,000+ reason.  I am trying to accept things and I state what would make life easier for me. Acknowledgement and respect.
• 16th - Visited Psychologist#1.
• 18th - I write about my dad,  how my family denied him control of this house and how I think this "broke" him.  I can't relax and my Psychologist is writing back telling me that I can't afford to mess up work.  I'm smoking 2.5 packs of cigarettes per day as opposed to my normal 1-1.5packs.  Which is way too many as it is.
• 19th - I am complaining of finances, how everything has spiraled out of control, including even going to work with no lunches.  My shopping is even affected. Everything is out of whack, I am $1900 overdrawn in my accounts.  I'm worried about mom using Colin for a new floor that my sister is pushing for.  Lisa wants new floors for her baby, so she told mom to go to the bank and borrow money as Mom's deserves new floors before she dies.  In reality this only results in further empowerment and entitlement on their part, not to mention dilution of my own role here. Mom is too busy picking out floors with Lisa to care about nurturing me and my feelings.  I am so sick at work I can hardly function.  I have to take breaks every 15 minutes.  Co-Workers think I look stoned, "high".  This is one of those long periods where I am having to produce all day while wanting to vomit my insides out due to stress and emotions.  It's actually a very serious state and I don't know how to write it effectively.    Bosa is talking about replacing me.  I complain I cannot rest at home, as soon as my brother in law walks into this house my stress level shoots through the roof.

April 2009

  Working:  Opt/Bosa/Esprit   Med: Eff/Zyp

May 2009

Working:  Opt/Bosa/YMCA   Med: Eff/Zyp

June 2009

• I am learn I am going to be laid off from work.
• 6th - I have a date where a Gypsy reads my Tarot Cards.  Nearly all of my cards all came up weak.  He told me that I lived in a "Golden Cage" and that I am helping others.  The one I am specifically helping keeps me trapped in a Golden Cage (my mother).  Furthermore he states that one day that person will turn their back on me.  That I will be owed lots of money throughout my life.  The last thing he told me was that I was missing out on life.
• 11th - I am completely miserable about my lot in life, I over the edge.  I am complaining about what it is like to live here and to be continually cleaning up garbage.  I clearly can't handle all the negative comments from my mother, her gossip, the crap.  Even the neighbours tell me they couldn't live like this, the way my mother does.  I am fairly blunt and I refer to her as a "clutter-fuck".  It's making me sick.  I mention depressions, the problems of leaving, I call myself a loser, I refer to my mother stating she knew she owed me.  I complain about how I would feel so much more complete if the house was sold and I was paid out.  I blame myself for my situation

July 2009

Working:  Opt/Bosa/YMCA   Med: Eff/Zyp

August 2009

• 17th - I am writing again about not being happy.  Likely these feelings had been going on for awhile and I am looking for a solution, including moving out.

September 2009

Working:  Opt/Bosa/UBC   Med: Eff/Zyp

October 2009

Working:  Opt/Bosa/UBC   Med: Eff/Zyp

• Purchase 2009 Colorado, tapping into remaining RRSP's after being rear-ended.  I don't want to repeat the same mistake again in buying a used vehicle and I need something reliable.  $15K brand new seems like a steal.  Monthly costs are now even higher.

November 2009

Working:  Opt/Bosa/UBC   Med: Eff/Zyp

• 4th - Visited Psychologist#1.

• 4th - I'm having problems and instead of heading straight into work in the mornings, I go in late as I write the Psychologist, thinking it will help in finding a solution.  I believe the whole problem is a lack of respect towards me from my family members. I complain about how they operate behind my back.  My sister ignores my wishes and turns everything against me.  The same arguement for over a year.  I believe my mother tells each of us a different story to keep us happy.  I write about how Lisa has nothing to lose and everything to gain by financially wiping me out and she has by this point I note.  Same with Jim and Mike.  Speaking of Jim, he stopped in for another free meal, I note that I don't think he wants to be around my sister or her problems.  Mike is stating that he "might" come into some money some day, so for me, this concludes the coercion amongst all the others.  They are freely speaking about it in private, I know them.  I write about how Lisa claims the only reason I go on here is for financial gain, that's actually phsychological projection.  I've endured  uncalculatable wages losses, I am in a high risk investment, I have unhappiness, no privacy, on and  on.  Lisa gets mom to charge me for dinner, then complains I should pay more because I eat so much.  $200 per month, I believe I am the only one paying!  My finances are screwed and the only thing for me to do is leave and give it all to my sister (likely the game plan).
• 5th - Came home stressed, I was worried my impending future the fact that the Olympics have caused Vancouver to no longer issues building permits.  There's a sharp recession and no one is building, which means no work is coming in the future.  The Non-Union has already taken a huge hit in wages, but not us.  Not yet.  I had the impression my mother was hiding on me, I think we were "softly" fighting over control issues as I hadn't given her money yet and I was confused over giving her a cheque.  My plan was to be focused on work, but that was fading because of health.  I write "my family is fucked".  I write about how everyone plotted to use me many years ago.  I write about how my sister is stating that I am just "renting", she's sick.  I start lashing out in an email to the Physchologist about my family, about being controlled and manipulated.  How my siblings all lather up my mother to screw me.  I am sick, I complain of possibly having and ulcer.  I complain about how everything has destroyed my life.  I complain about how everyone will solely blame me.  I complain about the cycle here.  I even mention thoughts of suicide.  Not being able to focus, wanting to puke.  The distraction and not being able to work properly. I came home from work and my mother looked at me, do you have something to say she asked?  I said yes, but then I would be bullying you or forcing you.  She made a facial gesture akin to rolling her eyes.  I stated how I felt and that I feel she owes it to me to tell Lisa this is Mom's house and it is My house and to do this in front of me.  Mom agreed, but I had to make concessions of not getting upset that Colin comes here to pick up his baby.  I told mom that it's not so much Colin, it's that they don't respect this as my house.  That's the underlying issue.
• 7th - My cousin Rick Berladyn dropped in to stay, completely out of the blue.  It wasn't Rick's fault, but the timing was very unfortunate.  He shared major moments of his life with me.  I write about this and then I continue on about mom and our discussions about Title, Ownership, Shares and the Split.  It is very clear to me that my siblings and outsiders are unfluencing and guiding my mother.  I eventually asked if she'd put her words regarding this topic in writing...  she visibly begins chewing on the idea unsure (I write, I wonder if she has to ask my siblings?  Jim/Lisa?)  I ramble on and on and on, in this email lots of things to write about, but I need a break.
• 24th - I am back working on the kitchen upstairs, rewiring the cable vision and adding internet access to the completely renovated kitchen.  I am tired and spending money that I shouldn't be.  The kitchen is almost finished, it's just the backsplash, countertops and undercabinet lighting  More trips to HomeDepot with mom buring my gas and my mileage.  The gutters needed cleaning again, brother Mike refused to hold the ladder for 15 minutes so I could clean twenty feet in the air over the driveway.  Mike gets sucked into helping Lisa move, I write I can feel in their presence, body language and reactions that they are all talking about the Shares of the house.  I can feel the teamwork behind my back.  I write about the year before, when everyone was taking mom out to dinner continuously.  This was the same time her Will was being written with the help of my Counsellor who I felt "fucked me".  Mike came over to take mom out like a good boy and one of the few times I didn't shovel the driveway, he decided to look after mom by packing all the snow down for her to walk on.  Lazy asshole, that's always Mike.  The ice created underneath all their footprints was three times as hard for me to remove than just simply shoveling the snow to begin with.
• 29th - Still working on the house this time installing the under cabinet lighting.  Mom's sleeping in  and I want a hand.  I complain about how crazy my life is.  My siblings working me over, my mother screwing me, all my problems.  How the house would have been gone without me.  The blood, sweat, tears and money I've both put in here and lost because of here.  I am rambling about an equity share that perhaps may even be too low.  I'm just very frustrated and upset.  They don't even help me, either in staying or in going.  I question whether I am nuts, like Jim inferred.  I ramble on about my life and how I came to be here where I am in it.

December 2009

Working:  Opt / Bosa / UBC   Med: Eff/Zyp

• 7th - Visited Psychologist#1.
• 30th - I go on about how I hate my family.  My teenage years, then the beginning here financially for me.  A different route I could have taken, and then mom promising she'd look after me.  How she said she wouldn't burn me.  Tonight, Mike Berladyn had come over with a condescending attitude right off the bat.  I should have asked why he was being such an asshole.  They wanted to watch a movie, I asked them if they'd like to watch it on my big 120" screen with nice couches and they denied me.  I couldn't understand.  I ramble on and on unhappy, that goes on into a fear of missing payments in the coming year.  Debts, etc.
• 31st - I openly question whether I am "nuts" like my brother Jim Berladyn had always badgered for ever since he learned of me seeing a "Psychiatrist/Shrink" which isn't true.  I was a seeing a Psychologist, a Counsellor.  Big difference.