Private Discussions

While I had discussed this whole Probation business several times with my cousin, the most discussion with him took place after my last Probation Appointment.

My cousin Mark BERLADYN, a person who was in the Courtroom on the date Probation was ordered, couldn't understand the purpose.  He thought placing me on Probation was stupid and pointless. In his view, it was a total waste.  His words were that I did nothing wrong, he pointed out that no one is helping me. That made at least two of us with that opinion.

If I look through the items I have for recording my "Mental Health", I will see that I was not sleeping appropriately in the days before this day.  By mid-morning, the conscious awareness of the Probation in the afternoon started to bear weight on me.  I had already determined that I did not know what I would actually do.

Defer the Decision

What I did do, was to do the only thing I could possibly do.  That being to defer the actual decision until 3:00 or 3:30 pm, when it actually was time to go.  There was really no point in excessively thinking about it other than to begin getting ready earlier in the day.  The actual decision would happen or continue happening until the appointment.

By 3:00 pm, something was overcoming me.  I was becoming exhausted suddenly.  I just lost all internal energy and I collapsed on the couch, the place I sleep every night.  I didn't even have the energy to get up. I passed out thinking great, I couldn't make a decision, and here life is making if for me.  I felt powerless, justified and I took condolence in the fact that at least I was able to keep my word.

Witness to the Fact

At some time near 4:30 pm, my cousin Mark BERLADYN walked in from work.  This woke me up.  Still really tired, with very low energy, I asked him if he knew where I was to be right now.  I told him that I was to be at Probation.  He was indifferent, perhaps unknowing... his attitude was 'eh @#$% 'em'.

From this moment on, I heard nothing of it until I informed an RCMP Officer that I had missed my Probation.  I am often told that I say too much, even my mother would state that, but I do not regret being honest. A Warrant for my Arrest came after this fact.