Further notes on my meeting with Probation two days earlier, November 17.  Much better notes.  The kind of notes I like to take.  With the exception of some minor spelling mistakes, this is pretty much unchanged from the date these are posted to.  The moment I wrote them.

• I had no clear plan in mind.  I was convinced a few days earlier that this was the day to attend and I was convinced the time of the attendance was left open for me to determine as per my last instructions.  Bear in mind, my sleep has been continually disturbed, as has my peace.  I had trouble with a homeless person on the property three times, not to mention everything else.
• This day I had multiple things to contend with like, I just decided to come in to Probation and get it moving forwards.  However, it was politely pointed out that the day I was to attend was the 22nd.  I have had so much on my mind I couldn't find the slip, I've been in a position that hasn't allowed me to gather proper sleep.
• Very Proactive and motivated this Staff Member was eager to help me.  I wondered if the words on this site had anything to do with.  I also wondered if my words elsewhere had anything to do with it.
• We briefly talked of my cousins place.  I didn't know how to explain to her verbally what happened there, but I was right in what I said.  They are like teenagers and it just wasn't conducive to me getting on my feet.  It was actually more like a repetitive cycle. On the surface it may not look right, but with a little digging it's easy to see why I made the decision I did.
• I wouldn't really think it would be appropriate for my Cousin to brag he kicked me out, when I am the who instructed him to and then proceeded to push him into it, giving him plenty of fuel for reason.  I wouldn't really say, it was my absolute goal, but it was either than or actually have things change to resolve the issues.
• We briefly spoke of where I am staying.  I explained the homeless woman intruding into the house in while I was drugged up and asleep.  "This stuff happens" was the downplay from the Probation Officer, but the truth is - this stuff does NOT happen in my home that they removed me from.
• The Conversation moved to medication and I had to stop her. She was appearing to be doing what many people do.  Hearing of the word medication and she seemed to immediately assume I need to be on it, or that it plays some part (that's crazy).  I didn't ask for that very heavy prescription and it's far too heavy if I took it as prescribed.  The best use of it is to reset my sleep and prolonged mixed emotions/stress from my environmental situation they caused.  Something I intended on doing that night not knowing a homeless person was going to walk in.  That was quite some days ago and life just hasn't swung around yet allowing me to try again.  Each night I might attempt this, something pops up, leaving me in a prolonged unrefreshed, unclear state.  There's too much to do to risk being drugged up and dazed.
•  When asked what I wanted to do, I stated how I was LUCKY to be in the house I am or I'd be on the street.  I had already slept in my truck and on another jobsite.  I briefly explained how I needed housing, but proper housing where I could bring myself together, get working, upright myself and from there - I needed to write everything out.
• Jumping to a Psychiatric Assessment, I explained how is just going to mentally/medically hurt me even further.  I do not need more people writing out more misinterpretations.  I believe I explained I already had mountains of paperwork from others to correct.
• I explained briefly how these people (directed at her) are all salaried and they don't get it.  Everything is a constant state of re-prioritization.  Look at me as a self-employed Artisan, even when I am "employed" because that is truthfully what I am.
• The Psychiatric Assessment I am referring to and other related things were explained to me.  I understood it, but it was partly in one ear and out the other.  Again, this is something that doesn't help me, it helps the System.
• She explained the person she was going to call, how he is really great at this sort of thing etc.  She was asking me for instruction on whether to call in my presence or to call him after I left.  She wanted the later and it made sense to me as he might not be available at the moment she calls.  It was said more than once that she would phone me this day to confirm the appointments, etc.  She never called.
• The one thing I did ask is if he wrote, if he emailed?  I would prefer that for both clarity and protection from a System that I don't trust in actually helping me.  She had explained how he should/needs to meet in person and I wasn't against that looking at it from his shoes.  I would want the same, however again, it leads to verbal agreements that do not hold up, coercion, etc.
• She was eager to push for the idea that they could give me money to help with housing.  This is mixed for me.  One, it will create a dependency.  Two, it creates control.  Three, bureaucracy and more paperwork, meetings, etc. etc.  Four, it hurts my pride and sense of independence and capability.  Five, perhaps most importantly, I have determined many times that I need it.  (So I should probably be as eager as her).  Six, now I find I am delaying in looking committing to places because...  taking a place that will not work may be a step backwards in terms of what they will grant me.
• She is clear on my intent.  To get stable and to write everything out.  She also probably has an understanding of me wanting to communicate in writing as it is beneficial in so many ways.  For one, it leaves me something to refer to and not misinterpret.  For two, it allows me to write clearer so that I am not misinterpreted.  For three, it allows the rest of the world to judge the Systems actions.  For four, it avoids INTENTIONAL misguidance and misinterpretation eliminating games and untruths.
• No calls, I am assuming she will have him meet me at my next appointment, November 29th, 10:00 am.