These Writings are a Work in Progress and by no means Complete.

  January, 2015

• Work is going well.  I am happy in this department.


• I continue momentum from December, completely jaded inside.  I am looking for a woman to start over with and to build a life with.  Someone to literally jump from this position I am in, into a whole new life and a new start.  A part of me feels it is crazy.  From one hell right into another because there's no time to properly date and test relationships.


• My mind is firmly on buying a Van now.  I need it for the job I am in and for my unknown future needs. Tool Security is a huge concern. My home has become far too toxic.  My siblings control my mother, who controls me, which in effect has literally destroyed my health, happiness and my finances.  My siblings walk in here like they own the place, they even feel it's their duty to set the rules.


• After looking for nearly two months, I decide to buy a cheap van to tide me over.  Sort of a test vehicle to learn from.  I check out a van I figure I could buy cheap.  Upon inspection I realize it's beat all to hell, even $5000 was too much. Just for curiousity I went to Dueck Downtown to see what they had.  They had a 2015 in stock, it was interesting but I didn't want it.  The next day I changed my mind, I was tired of looking, tired of losing tools, tired of all the stress.  I just decided to get it over with and I bought the Van.

  February 2015

• I met someone online.  She lost her entire family and with all of her inheritances she outright bought a brand new house, all new furniture and she was very lonely.  I couldn't get involved and I left her in tears.  Naturally it was all very tempting, but it would have been for the wrong reasons.  I wish her well.

  March 2015

• My "WorkWife" at work finally cracks me, she gets me to open up about myself.  The effect was immediate on me, I deeply regretted sharing.  I was much happier when I was filtering what the company knew and didn't know about my personal life.  Our relationship tainted and slowly, like poison, it crept through all my company relations.  I lose steam when I lose pride, that's a chain reaction where I lose a lot of things that drive me, keeping me from being on top of my game.


• I met someone again online, this person was a recovering alcoholic.  I attended an AA meeting with her.  I concluded that I should finally go.  I couldn't hold back the tears and everyone knew I had to speak.  I did, I didn't state a lot about myself or the personal reasons, I tried to keep the topic on an encouragement towards the people attending and recovering.  It was deeply emotional for me. This still, ten years after his death.

  April 2015

• Tax time, I tend to shut down personal things until that's taken care of. This likely took up free time for much of my month.


• Nothing to add at the moment, but this may be the month were I was so sick at work, I could hardly function.  I was sick a lot like this.  I had to hide it from everyone in the company.  It was like being completely hung over, but it wasn't booze.  I was negative emotion from my family, my home, it was from being destroyed with in.Due to this state I wasn't on the ball and I wasn't able to deal with the guy delivered my paycheque, after opening it.  $xxxx, plus a $xxx additional cheque. He was all excited, he wanted my job.  That kind of stuff is cancerous to your worklife when others find out.  The gossip destroys your relationships. I suppose there was no way to control him, but I felt like if I was on the ball I could have spoken the right words to him.

  May 2015

• The weather is finally warm, I began setting up my work van however, the further I had gotten into it the further I realized I bought the wrong van.  I was right in the beginning, I needed the left hand doors.  It was a hard sell on myself, but I convinced myself to just stop all progress and go and look at the van I initially considered buying.  I ended up trading in trucks after some negotiating in the office and at the dealership.  I was highly strung out over this decision, but it was the right one long term.  The left hand doors made a huge difference.  I also had a deep concern for my family and how they would use that against me.

  June, 2015

• Spoke to a neighbor Larry Rhodes and I let it slip what I was planning on keeping to myself and still determining for myself. I revealed that I was completely over ran and that I was planning on being able to leave.  I always reveal too much.I was trying to prepare for long term survival, work, everything I could, all while keeping my options as open as I could.This was frustrating for me, because I can’t determine a proper course. Pay down debt or buy a trailer to hold the property I need.  Putting anything else into that house is crazy under the current conditions. I didn’t know how long I have or anything in terms of a future, plus I am burdened in debt. My family caused that debt.
  Present course, I’d be out of debt in a mere two years.Life here is always like a maze, I have to figure a way to survive.  As soon as they know my intentions and my solution, the maze changes and I have to start over again.  There is a long history for me here, I can’t come to mother. Trying so in the recent past literally gave me ulcers. I don't know how to describe it, she had been convinced to have to care for me. She had to come to me, but she's guided by outsiders who only care about themselves, my siblings. On top of those people, her own friends advise her based on the gossip she's so joyously shared throughout the years.
  It's a very sick environment. She never realizes she's slowly killing me, then she blames me for my "faults" she created.I think this is the time period where she spoke to me once in the back yard. It was very short discussion. She very weakly said "get out then". In reply, I looked at the water tap we were standing next to and asked her if she'd like me to take my pipes with me. She had a dumbfounded look on her face, as if she didn't understand the meaning.

  July, 2015

• I could not set up my work van due to the toxicity created from my sibling’s presence while I was working among many other things. Everytime I had a free day and the energy, the weather, they'd be around. They didn’t think it was right that had I traded my van in for this one which was more practical. They utter comments in my presence. I'd have to hide to avoid further conflict, yes this is an issue.


• Noted strange spots in the paint, dealership was confused, they never seen that before. The spots appeared after I took it home.


• Out of complete frustration, I quit a $40/hr++ job as an employee because of the poison my siblings give me from home, it was an easy job. The company liked me.Truthfully, it was the toxicity from home seeping into the workplace which gradually undermined my professional relations.  My intention when I started this job was to keep my family life completely out and separate. This was just another attempted step at self-determination and planning the rest of my life.  This is always important to me.

  August 2015

• I knew quitting was not what I believed I had wanted, a former coworker suggested I take time off. So I did to set up the van.


• Everytime I began getting into working on the truck my siblings would pop by. The same toxicity would ruin my efforts.  They screwed up my momentum and planning minor important details on the fly.  I had to put my saws away for fear of damaging my new truck or cutting my hand off.  I couldn’t even put my saws into their place because I could not move mom’s car, she even hid her spare keys.  My siblings were commenting on me setting up my van for long term work and security.  “Wasting money” they said scoffing. Yes, this matters as they influence the house.


• I was so angry from my current position, my finances, my unhappiness, both short and long term that I phoned Shaw to cut the cable that I wanted to cut so many years ago. This was always the unthinkable for me to do to my mother.  I used to pay $240 a month and I wanted to cut it so bad in the past.  I never did that because I knew how important it was to her. I completely cut her off as she, guided by all of them, has destroyed my life..


• I noted scratches in the rear of my new truck from someone else. The scratches line up with the garbage can.


• I noted my sister’s new guy friend smirking at me. I hear him suck up to my mother winning points reprogramming thousands of dollars in electronics I have bought.  My access to the $450 Thermostat that I bought and installed to control the furnace is blocked.


• I get a good day to work on the truck and we have a windstorm.


• I finally have a day with a clear head and I go to use the saw, I accidentally flip it, breaking parts and making it unusable. I can’t win for the life of me.

  September 2015

• Took too much time off and started looking for work, all the jobs that were formerly there, were currently dry. Started looking for new jobs, but I was not able to negotiate the terms I wanted.  When you need you do not get, that’s work.  Same goes for wages.


• Started slipping into panic mode, made contact with my former employer testing the water, as time went on I did something I don’t normally do. I started pulling out all the stops to get back with the former company I quit.  This was not easy.


• I think this is the month I politely told my preschool teacher to @$#% herself, I was her favourite. I wanted to write her several times on four separate points.  I finally did.  It was not written very well.  She complained to the Port Moody Police.  I stated I had no further issues unless she stuck her nose in my life again.  That letter would have been very sharp if I was able to focus.


• Non related to the events an extended-family member told me he believed a person should talk while he was asking for a favor. We were up very late.  It was emotional for me.  That person stated my mother would have killed herself if I didn’t do what I did and she lost this house.  Opinions, everyone has them.  In reality, this is probably not far from the truth. My intuition knew many years ago.


• The next day, I was very tired and not wanting to work. On the way home I was chased down the hi-way by a swerving white truck.  This was my ex-brother in law, Colin Palmer, who I haven’t seen in five years.  He was aggressive, I was over tired.  I phoned the police to make a report and I was referred to Victim Services after stating many things, including being “unrecoverable”. I was told not to kill myself or waste my life away on drugs. I didn't feel worthy enough to share the Officers hand.


• I witnessed my sister standing behind my mother as my mother spoke to me like a child demanding I put my saws away. I repeated my mother’s own words.  I said "You told me there is nothing to talk about, so there’s nothing to talk about”.  I then closed the door in her face.  She had spoken those words at the very same period she had said “I guess I will give you nothing then”.  That was when she figured out I could no longer pay her.  Or it might have been when I was explaining that another time that I needed to build a cash float.  She doesn’t comprehend that.  I had no credit. Work and income ebb and flow.For me, it’s been a form of extremely personal extortion, among many deep things.  For me, they caused my financial collapse, even though they were warned. Plus, I have had major extremes living here for many years, I have witnesses through all of the years of that and I have health issues now. There are deep reasons why this is all important to me.

  October 2015

• Now I had to refinance with the bank, I was losing too much capital and falling behind.


• Still negotiating to get back on track workwise, looking for the right employment, I told the bank things my mother and family members said about giving me loans, spending on the truck, the banker nearly fell out of his chair. The bank approved my loans and stated that I went through a lot.


• Contact Victim Services of the Port Moody Police

I witnessed my mother get into my brother’s truck giggling like a small child going for a ride. I assumed she was on her annual (free?) vacation.  I checked another door I installed which I had paid for five years ago to see if my mother’s baggage was there.  I was locked out of the upstairs by a wall and a door I installed within the last five years.    I still have property on the other side.

I planned on taking Zaiban to quit smoking for my 40^th I have major health issues.

I abandoned my former employer because he was playing games with the Terms of Employment he had just signed weeks before. I couldn’t agree to the changes.  I had to determine a new path for work near the end of the month and another slow climb up the ladder trying to reset myself.  Wages get locked by my performance which is driven by pride.  I am now an additional two years behind in my personal loan.

• I receive a text from my sister stating that she and my brothers are coming over. This is abnormal behavior.  The text.  My instincts tell me to tell her she is never to contact me again.  On October 31^st, I go out to avoid them, only to return home to an Eviction Notice on a door I have paid for, in the house I was decimated for.  The ultimate burn.

  November 1^st, 2015

• I look at the date and I conclude that it is effective two days before my 40^th birthday.  I know my siblings; this was determined for maximum effect.  To me it is a bullet and it is intended for maximum harm.  Hence the giggling.  I feel it is Fraudulent, she wasn’t even in the country on the date of signature.  It was intended to harm a family member with maximum force, it should be thrown out on those grounds alone.  Remember my health two years ago this time.


• I write the Victim Services Department of the Port Moody Police.


• I scratch and damage my new truck as I try to get everything put together in case I have to be gone in a mere few day’s time. This will bother me for a long time, each new truck was damaged from misery stemming from my siblings.  The truck is tainted now.


• My mind is speeding up and it begins to trip into high gear as I shred related documents and a similar case file attached to a lawyer in Richmond. In fact, I shredded all kinds of things, WCB claims never filed, Mortgage Approvals going back 15 years plus, I throw out personal childhood belongings. (second time, thanks Jim Berladyn, glad you have yours).


• I begin writing often, my mind keeps racing, one night while smoking over five packages of cigarettes, I write the Port Moody Police asking them to charge my family with murder if I drop dead from a Stroke. I cannot shut down.  My mind is racing so fast that I can’t get the words from my mind down to the keyboard fast enough.  They start hanging.  Time moves incredibly slow for me, but to everyone else I start appearing like I am going a million miles an hour.


• Rather than deal with this stuff, I choose to visit a dying Uncle in the Royal Columbian Hospital. He was born in 1929, he used to tell me it’s not over until it’s over.  He held the mortgage on this house a long time ago, mother didn’t trust that he might take the house on her.  We were children, he was helping pay for this place one way or another.  For me, that felt strange because I had to trust my own mother.  He said her word means nothing, which is proving to be true.


• This reminded me of the time I was a child playing by myself. They tricked me outside and locked me out of the house in my socks, I think I was five or six years old.  It was pouring rain.  I haven’t told Pam (FraserHealth) about that, but something happened then.  I have lots more stories actually.


• Perhaps a little sadistic by this point, I realize this is the best 40^th birthday yet. They just fired a Legal bullet at my head and they still haven’t successfully killed me.  I had to find the positive somewhere.  That was an interesting birthday.


• I tell a visiting Officer that they may kill me if they forcibly remove me from this house.


• At work I can hardly function. People there are scared during the next three weeks of Nov 1st to Nov 21^st, that I will drop dead from overload.  For me, I swear it nearly happened five  My doctor wouldn’t even see me, his schedule was booked, even though I witnessed fear in the Medical Assistants eyes as I tried to use the most effective words I possibly could.


• By chance at work I met someone who went through something similar. It almost killed him.  When I began telling him more history, he couldn’t believe I was not already dead.  I only told him part of the story.


• November 21^st I come up with a quote:



“I am a human rubix cube which I only know the map to that has to be carefully solved by going backwards in my mind while stepping forwards and avoiding the obstacles in my path at the same time.”


That’s essentially what I have to do to successfully move forward from this point.  I thought I was going to die when those words came out as I lay in bed trying to sleep and the next morning somehow I felt refreshed.  I was wondering if the PMPD tranquilized me.  No kidding, it was strange to be under all that stress for three weeks, then suddenly feel refreshed.

• I visited my doctor, he tells me I should have never of been on the medication I was for that long, eight years. He is the one who gave the prescriptions, on advisement of Psychologist.He also confirms my family seeing him two years ago and discussing my state. The only reason they went was because they were complaining they'd get charged if I killed myself.  I likely lost 40lbs in a six month suicidal period.It was surreal getting a phone call from my sister, she was stating I would hurt her emotionally as she grew up with me.  She has memories and I was to be aware of her feelings.  It was surreal because she was the final straw that lead me on the path to ending up in this state.  She finished me off after Jim Berladyn in 2005.


• I felt with all the Medical Concerns my Family would back off and find a solution (I assumed PMPD). No they still press forward without care.  The Leader and the Follower serving the document.  Those two sons, Jim Berladyn and Mike Berladyn.  The ones who never cared.

I begin requesting Services offered by an Officer of the PMPD.

My 86 year old Uncle Peter Berladyn passes away. As is typical at every family incidence, I am too busy with problems from home.   I can’t help, I can’t be around.  This happens every death and every gathering it seems.  Like fate I cannot change.  I am in no shape to help and I was around Uncle Peter the most I believe especially up until the last five years or so.  The others were scared he may “want” something.

December 2015

• Work thinks everything will be fine now because I am mentally slowly coming into a more natural state. For me, I am not, I have to very slowly recover.  Piling on work is bad which they want to do.  I also have to start dealing with this.


• Attend Funeral and Family Gathering. I see a cousin and learn that no one told me that an Aunt passed away in September of 2015.  I also learn, I was never told of he himself, a cousin, almost dying (Brad).  He seems odd around me, like he’s been spoken to.  I informed him that if he wants me to know something, he has to tell me himself.  I am told, I played it very well amongst my brothers, sister and mother.


• I book time off work to write before Christmas just in case I am in this house with family upstairs. They will affect my writing.  I do not actually write much in this time.  It is hard to know where to start.


• Note a six foot long scratch ¼ wide running from my left headlamp through the driver’s door. Odd spot and a traffic area for my siblings accessing the garbage cans.


• I ask friends to find me a lawyer, the only one I am referred to has already spoken to me. I have seen many lawyers in the past.  They suggest another to save money.  I find an interested lawyer, but it’s near Christmas and I determine I should write everything out, then I write him in the New Year, he doesn’t respond the second time.  All I wanted was one meeting and basic advice.


• I work through Christmas but my health doesn’t feel well, I am actually very physically sick which I try to hide.


• Although I can work at pace, my health and my means to deal with this are tough. Even just writing this stuff out is hard.  There is so much in twenty years, then even fourty years.  I have to distract myself to stay functional.  I am told a certain person will help write out what I need to, this delays me somewhat, but I never receive that help (and it’s ok)


• I am full of people’s opinion and I am not at the same time. Many do not have the concern or details that matter greatly to me.  It is so easy to misjudge someone else until you wear their shoes.  My instincts tell me to post everything I can online, Facebook.  Court may kill me, seriously.  Losing out, at least my family cannot go around telling everyone I was crazy, they can’t put me down like they still do my very own dad.  I think of him a lot, in many ways his last words are to ensure that I get.  He was insistent and that’s important to me, I have nothing to lose.


• December 31^st, I return the favour to my siblings. My intent is Natural Law.  Let what’s natural among humans help me. I begin posting to Facebook details of my Life and the People in it. However, Facebook is not really set up for an Auto-Biography.