Hey pal. I needed a break from FB. How are you?

How did you hide your profile Erik?

I just deactivated it.

Hey! Ur back!!!

Yeah, but I need time to myself. Please don't ask.

Hope u are doing ok mate! Merry Christmas!

Thanks and Merry Christmas to you too.

Hey Erik,

I didn't mean to "Chat", I wanted to write you an email type message. Let me see if I can find that option.

Ok.... well I guess this is it! I don't message enough. I just wanted to write and say hi, I hope you are enjoying life, your daughter, the dog everything.

Me, I have avoided everything, seeing people, talking.. well more so than usual. I needed to close down myself in the winter, that's why I wouldn't open up. My mind, I needed to keep it boxed in away from distraction and I needed to not spread my story because it's not good.

I don't think my assessment was right, the diagnosis of me is wrong, it might be partly right, but I know without a doubt what my real diagnosis is. I don't want to share it. I don't know if I am ever fixable.

Financially I am extremely bad shape, I know there are options, but but they are not real options in my position. My mother, it's affecting her big time. I really screwed up, I am a loser for this. It's my fault. It is, but for me it's also the direct result of living at home. Living at home was always a dual purpose. I knew my parents needed help and I needed a place to live. Either while saving, buying or renting. Personally I am totally wiped out with out this place to live. There's not many places here I can live where I can realistically work out of. I needed to buy a house or a townhouse. I am totally screwed because I didn't do that. I have siblings, naturally that causes problems if I get "more" than them, or if I have more "control" than them. I have neither, I lost out to them all my life. They were stronger, clearer minded, more assertive and better manipulators than I. Always were growing up, a major source of my issues and emotional problems. You only had a sister so I think it was different for you.

Health wise, I hope you quit smoking. Me, I am in terrible shape. I always respected you for your ability to look after yourself. You know how to eat well, exercise, you have the basics covered, which is good because you have a beautiful little daughter. I'm proud to see that.

Anyways, I don't know how I am sounding, I just wanted to say hi. You've always been a friend I've been proud to have made, to have had and love. I'm laughing because I don't know if you can really say the same for me. I appreciate a lot of things about you, I appreciate all the times you tried to help me, get me working out, running, quitting smoking, eating right. Defending me when I was unbalanced and clearly in the wrong, or defending me for being misunderstood. I have been misunderstood a lot in life because I get clogged with sensitive/strong emotions, issues, baggage, leading to depression amongst other things.

Hilde wrote me the other day. Maybe I shouldn't bring that up? There was no discussion of you other than she made a positive comment on you being a dad.

I hope you are enjoying life over there. I think you are.

Anyways I'll leave you with that. I just wanted to say hi, give you well wishes, I wish I could write for ONCE IN MY LIFE and say Erik, Life for me is GREAT! I'm succeeding here, I'm happy about this, yada yada. Maybe one day! :)

I hope you have a good weekend! Dan

Erik, I am sorry, I am sorry I wrote the stuff above. Specifically my family. I have a lot of shortcomings and I have a hard time completely over coming them. I look at my immediate situation, all I can ever do is accept it, set the right course of action and then succeed for a time only to be easily bumped off course. Either by my own will or by being too susceptible to exterior events. I slide for so many reasons that I fail to control. We all have issues, problems, faults. Me probably more than others, or perhaps its just because I don't have the complete ability to deal with them. You my friend, I am thinking and I am hoping you found your way with your daughter. I'm proud and happy for you. I don't talk to you, I don't know what life is like day to day for you, but from the little I see, I think you are in a good spot. A place that's right for you. I hope you are in peace, you are happily content and that you are enjoying what life has in front of you. I am hope you are enjoying this weekend. I wish I could say the rights words to make you feel happy in this moment, right here, right now. You've always been a good friend to me.

Hey pal

Good to hear from you. Its been a long fucking time. Coming out from the hole you have dug? Peaking out ibto the world? Haha

Sorry to hear of all your problems. Why dont you get your lazy ass up and go for a walk...a half run...get some exercise! Remember how happy that msde you?

Om doing pretty good...bought a brand new apsrtment out in the country...a promotio at work and a company car.... just arranged for a boat pkace by my apartment so ill be bringing my boat out there soon so i can spend some free time fishing after work and weekends. Tginking about selling the camper but cant seem to make up my mind.. letting the idea simmer for now. Despite all of this so called success i too am battling with some of own demons...and lately ive felt extremely lonely. Ive been self medicating with alcohol and women....but i hink this is starting to pass...

I think we get out of life what we put into it.... takes effort...courage. I think i need that reminder right nlw too! Im fucking tired tonight. Been traveling a lot for work...came home at 9 last night and had a girl here til 5am!

We do get out of life what we put into it. That was one of the teachings from Rod many many years ago and it's true. However life also seems to have a way of keeping you were you are, know what I mean? Whether something is meant to be, Karma, or just pre-destined. I don't know. I saw my future many times through childhood, pre-teens, teens, as a young adult, almost seems unavoidable.

I think I just messed up. I should be leaving for Kitimat tomorrow, where I could work in a camp, have everything provided and most likely either prolong staying afloat financially or be a key step in surviving through it the next 3.5 years. I started cracking, I bailed at the last minute. I was coming apart, unable to manage just getting organized to go, never mind the fear I had of going up there and being completely trapped or having something bad happen. I should have went. I'm not mentally stable. One of my biggest fears was going up there and losing my mind. With the pressure off, I can see it would have been the best thing. I am a complete fuck up. I lost a lot of face with the company I am working for now with the way I have handled things.

Can u still go?

Last year I did the same thing. I could have worked in my old company stable making good money up until now. My mind just couldnt handle things, I was on the verge of a mental break down. I am in such a messed up financial position. I've done it to myself. Bankruptcy doesn't seem like an option for so many reasons. Even if half of them weren't there, I don't think I could mentally handle having someone look at my life through a microscope. I'm too unbalanced/unstable. The only way I can deal with life is to have part of me hidden. I also need a "loose" gameplan because I swing back and forth. I hate to say it, but I am fucked as a human being, as an adult. I also have a wicked disorder, it's incurable, only manageable at best. Some people may have figured it out, but I can never tell anyone. It's probably the worst thing people can know.

No, I can't go now.

That's done with. I'm an idiot.

Shit. Sorry man.

Well u know about my bankruptcy 10 plus yesrs ago. If u have any questions....

There's things I can't tell you. It'll be much different for me.

Ok.

I wish I had jobs like you have always had. I require too much. My job is too dirty, I require too many things

Simon just phoned.

Not workin for yourself anymore?

No, that's something that helped worsen my position. I look back on last year, sure I was making more per hour, but the hours weren't there. I had more free time and for some reason I started spending like I had more money. I started thinking next month will be better, yada yada, ignoring the problem, I think with the stress I just unconciously blew a ton of money.

I can't believe what I did. Through Paypal I spent $10k. Some of that was buying stuff for a friend, but I just went out of control. I spent $5k within a week and that's when I suddenly went "uh oh - I am in big trouble".

I should have went to Kitimat, so easy to see now that the stress is gone and the decision is made. I guess it's easy to say what a person should have done after the fact and there's no choices. Perhaps if I flew up there I'd be saying the reverse, should have stayed.

I just talked to Simon, I think I have problems. Wow, two kids, mortgage a shop to run. I said to him, I don't understand how I can be so messed up when it's just me living at home with my mother. Look at everything he is doing, the comparison is just sad.

I don't have a lot to be proud of anymore. I did keep my parents in their house, I did make myself one of the best in the trade (but I am worn out, physically, mentally, financially). I'm glad I didn't have kids, I am too irresponsible, I'd probably pass on my mental illness. Something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

You must be worn out today, being up till 5am or later. Made me smile when I read that. Women. Glad I don't do it, can't even do it now, but it can be a lot of fun. There's good and bad with self medicating.

You know what makes me happy Erik? Seeing you involved with your daughter. I am glad to see that when I log into Facebook. I hope she makes you happy inside.

Yeah...ive had 3 different women in 3 nightS. met anothrr today but she was toooo big. Went home and jerked off instead! Haha

haha

Yeah now shes talking which is fun. Its quite special.

Have a week off npw just me and her.

Enjoy it. Even the moments you don't, you'll probably look back and appreciate them.

I dont know what to say man.... hope everything works out for you. I dont like seeing freinds unhappy.

I do it to myself Erik. Or I have done it to myself. Or life has done it to me. We all only have so many options with the cards we are dealt. I've always kept happy with distracting myself, but that's also part of my problem. Anyways, enough about me.

Are you still smoking?

Yep

But i am quittinf again.

I'm sorry we both encouraged ourselves to smoke when we met.

I think we kind of both feel into solidifying the addiction together.

How's your parents?

I guess

Mom was just here. They are both well. Mom turns 70 at xmas, dad turns 75..lise 50 aand me 40. Weird eh?

I like your family, always have. 40, I can't believe it in a way.

Anyways I should probably let you recover, you probably have things to do.

It was really nice hearing from you Erik.

Nope. Its 11pm. Jusr watching soccer. Good talkin to u. Everything will be ok pal.

Thanks man. Enjoy the game.

Hey!!!!

Just thought you might be interested in something, maybe I shouldn't show it to you but....

Check this out! Seriously, check it out!

http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/pml/apa/4539595095.html

Forgive me for my words, I was just excited over it and not wanting to ruin the surprise. Click the link and take a look.

How do you have all that stuff Erik? Boat, Trailer, etc.? I just don't get it.

Cuz i got a company car and am selling my private one. My mom gave me 5000 last year towards the camper and i uaed vacation money.

Thanks for sharing, makes me feel like less of a screw up.

How are u man?

The same Erik. I've made it a 1/4 of the way in my personal finances, but I am losing elsewhere in life. In regards to my family.

My truck was just broken into twice. I have broken door locks on each side.

Work is... challenging. I'm organizing a very large job, it's good in that I don't physically work for most of my money but I'm not really sure a good place to be. It's stable for a few more months and my bills are met. After that, I don't know.

All I know is that I deal with a lot of bullshit every day. Both with those with positions "above" me and with those with positions below me.

Health, I am not in good shape. My teeth... dentist says it's from smoking, but that's the one thing...

I know how I got to be here, explaining it where you would truly comprehend it is another story.

Anyways no one wants to hear bad things. You asked, I shared. :)

Is that 2 weeks on and 4 weeks off comment for me?

Keep the beard btw, it's easier

Yes it was meant for u. Yep...keeping the beard. How are ya?

Hey, i didn't know you wrote back. Honestly i am the same, the only reason I am able to keep my head up is because I am working and my bank account shows a bigger balance than it ever has in 20 plus years of working. However, it's not big enough to nuke my personal debt, or correct the root of my problem. Maybe I shouldn't say I am the same. A contractor I used to work for didn't even recognize me on Friday. I had to tell him who I was and he was shocked. I guess I've lost weight. I'm off that medication and I know my personal health took a complete shit kicking for nearly a year. I feel it in my teeth and my lungs. We should have never of started smoking Erik! I'm just trying to keep my life simple, work come home, rest, and unfortunately I eat out as I don't have a kitchen here. Half way through Reno's, and even if the money was there - I am really not sure I should put another penny into this house. Occasionally reality forces me to think of my future options. I'd like the idea of finding some nice woman on the island or a little more North, but I don't know how realistic that is. I am exactly in the position I never wanted to be in. Norway eh? What does a guy do to only work 2 weeks on and then 4 off? I can't even work like I used to, but at least I am far more capable than I was six months ago. I was litterally pretending to function back then and yet somehow they figured I'd make a great foreman! haha Yeah... that's another story. At work they still expect me to behave as acting foreman even though my boss is now working the tools and making all the decisions. I keep trying to explain you can't have a boat with two captains, if you are going to drive the ship don't ask me for directions! Anyways... Norway sounds more appealing than it ever has although honestly I feel too old. On the other hand realistically there's probably nothing at all here for me. From what I am reading, it's the same crap going on over there as here. Tons of immigration, how long can the lifestyle last over there?

we should talk

lol, telephathy or what? Yesterday I added Olso time to my phone so I new what time it was over there. I even thought about calling you but I was on company time and I wasn't too sure which number to call, or even if they were the right ones. As simple as your message is/was... you've made me smile. A very good xmas gift. Thank you my friend!

You look good Erik, I like the beard.

thanks pal. how ya been?

My life is wreck but I am doing better. I think I have landed long term employment at $40/hr so I am happy. However.. as happy as I've been with that, I'm scared. I'm one of the most expensive and I don't get my first check till the 30th to confirm everything. Otherwise all the same, family the same, I hate my family - I don't want to know any of them anymore. I should have walked away years ago. I remember you used to say you respected me because I always was responsible and looked after what was important. I winced inside when you'd say that. What was important to me was my parents and the family home, but I knew even then they where screwing me. I wasn't looking after my own personal interests, but then... it was the only workable dynamic with all the issues, etc. Debt is slowly dropping, however now with this job I really need a van. I am struggling. Should I spend $10K, $20K, 30K, $40K? That's assuming my bank will lend me the money. I'm buried man. My life is forever fucked. Looking for a woman.. man... you put all your issues out there in an anonymous ad and the women come running. Then you realize they are all fucked too! I don't know... tired today. Haven't had sex in a year and last night I found some small asian girl.. an exchange. I didn't actually have sex with her, but the attention was nice. Need to win the lottery, then I can truly reset my life, start over and eliminate everyone bad from it. I simply have too many needs man. I'm not like everyone else... tools, storage, everything.. I find I keep wishing I could go back and just not care about anyone but myself. All I had to do was buy something and I would have been fine. I could have ironed everything out. Hope you are doing well. I hope you enjoyed your daughter. Good memories for her.

just picked up my daughter

Still full of regrets eh? Doesnt do you ANY good....nor me. I too get stuck in the past when i think of all tgr stupid decisions i have made. I dont know whether to laugh or cry!! Its sunday and my daughter is running around playing. Its like -8 outside. 1 year without sex? Wow!!!!

Sex.... doesn't drive me anymore man. I think I've pushed myself through so much misery that my health has deteriorated. Actually I know it has. I don't see how I cannot regret and have issues. I put my head down time and time again to help my mother, the house, everything and time and time again she just used me under my siblings guidance, breaking and forgetting her former words. How can I not have issues? I never looked after what I NEEDED as a person. There were times I felt absolutely forced to put others needs ahead of mine and look where I am. My family destroyed me. It happened long ago when I was young. I was always shafted. They laughed each time it happened and now they sit back and state otherwise. Im like my dad, in fact I was kind of cursed, I spent so much time with him that his thinking and mindset became a part of me. He was a depressed alcoholic respected by no one, everyone took from him. It's no wonder I am the same, except my crutch is cigarettes and probably some risky behaviour. buying things, sex, etc. I don't know man... I've posted several ads looking for a woman to jump to, share a life with. Several responses, potential interest. I just... how can I be sure I won't for one feel guilty walking away and two, find a woman that things will work with? If I leave, I never want to see my family again. They plotted, schemed and worked to shaft me, they are not friends. Something my mother just doesn't comprehend. Even her... her own friends tell me she doesn't care and only cares about herself. Honestly, I have always been fucked up, but aside from my own personal issues, I don't see how I could have turned out any other way with a family like mine. I wanted to leave at 15. I could see it all then. It just wasn't quite practical. By 19 or 20, I could have left, but needed to get stronger financially, then... I just sunk into a trap. I estimate $400,000. That's what not following my own plan when I was putting away into RRSP's cost me. I needed out to be free from all the burdens. My mother, she wanted me out, but at the same she never wanted me to go as I was her... ticket into her keeping her life. There's a quote somewhere... you lose more trying to keep what you already lost than... I can't remember. Mind you, I suppose I am in the same place yet further away than I;ve ever been. Still need my own place with a small patch of land, etc., but any equity I had to make that happen and the years ahead to pay for it are gone. I grew up in household that was toxic and I did my best to make the best of it. I tried to meet too many conflicts head on. Parents, siblings, my own needs. Regret? I could have had what I had now with 10% of the work. I'd have lived longer and been happier. No matter what you have or haven't done in your life Erik... you have the most precious gift of all. That little girl. I know it's... not something you'll understand, but I envy you. I don't think you'll regret anything you put into her. She's the you of tomorrow. She's your future.

You know what Dan... my girlfriend who i love to deatj is dying of a brain tumour with 3 to 6 months to live. So wake the fuck up and do something..go for a walk/run and get in shape. Get the ball rolling. You think you have it bad???? I dont share this because its personal but maybe u need a kick in the ass. Sorry.

Hope that last message wasnt harsh. The only reason i tell u is because it kind of puts things into perspective. Dont tell anybody about this...we may actually come out there in feb/march.

Hi Erik, I didn’t respond to this message for a reason. The day you wrote me this was the very day I stepped back onto a site and a balcony that I was standing on in Oct. 2013. When I was standing there Oct. 2013, I was actually considering jumping. I was highly suicidal from the fall of 2013 right into the spring of 2014. You don’t have to understand or respect it, I’ve lost everything in life, including friends for… something I can’t really explain. You are lucky to have had the family you came from, I always felt that way about everyone else. I finally concluded 6 months ago that I may as well accept what I always felt, but never would fully conclude. I don’t have a family. You don’t have to understand this either, but I am probably unrecoverable. I can’t face the fact that I threw away my entire life to stand by people who never cared about me. My father was truly the only one I ever had and he passed away ten years ago. If I was stronger, more grounded and more stable inside I’d probably have made much better choices for myself in life. You’ve always been a great friend, I am sorry for everything I fucked up, or what have you. I know you were here, I don’t know if you still are. I am trying to keep myself at peace and choose the right direction from here on out, but I can’t. I foresaw everything I needed to do when I was much younger, and I knew if I didn’t I was screwed. Well, I didn’t… I didn’t realize just how screwed or how much things would affect every single aspect of my life, but now I do. Every time I post on Facebook I feel stupid. I have friends everywhere but I don’t. Especially on here. I needed a core, a foundation, a root to build and straighten my life from. For me it was necessity and that was property, a home, four walls I could control. If established myself in that, nothing else would have mattered. I would have righted. I can’t explain things properly, but… I honestly feel like I am unrecoverable. I was approved for a house at 23. Instead, I let my own mother use me, while my siblings are laughed and still do as they get to take from me like they always have. And I just can’t go off and be happy. I won’t have what I need to thrive, find happiness and be able to function in my trade effectively. Especially not now. I was either born half nuts or I went nuts in my environment. Anyways, I’m not really thinking I am much of a friend. Probably best to leave that alone, but thanks for doing your part. As a social friend, non-work, etc., you were one of the better friends I ever made. Thank you for that. I’m sorry I am not better. If you’re still here enjoy your trip, if not… well I hope home is good.

Hey pal...i read this this morning hung over and needed some time to reapond properly. Im drunk now. I need to tell you how sorry i am if you felt offended. The girl i was with was dying at the time..so your 'problems' I perceived as pretty minor at the time. I stille consider u a close friend and im sorry if u felt different. Ill be back on thursday night and would love to see you. I fly out friday. I love u man. You will be ok!

My response is below, or at least the start of it. I guess I wrote you from a different device as this is still saved in the browser. You know what? Honestly I am fucked. I think I figured everything out a very long time ago. It was almost a complete prerequisite for me to get established on my feet and into a mortgage to have any sort of a meaningful life. I remember hanging out with you guys in our early twenties... I was always told ditch my friends, do whats right for me, I did for the most part, except you guys. You gave me normalcy, acceptance and some form of enjoyment in life. I remember I struggled with buying a dump in Surrey, it was all I could realistically afford for my goals or seeing you guys. None of you were buying a place so I guess I felt some comfort in extending and putting off what we all needed to do. I'm not blaming you guys at all. My neighbours who watched this house for the last 45 years told me I made it too hard on myself. I did. But the reality was, my family did. All about themselves, taking, plotting, and making themselves feel better at others expenses. My father wasn't like that, he hurt like I did. I'm an idiot. The only one who can fix me is myself and I've pretty much destroyed any chance at that. If I was mentally stable and I was actually able to stay in good enough emotional health, I would have listened to myself and walked away from my family as soon as I could. Doing that though, it left me vulnerable and resentful that I didn't have one, when I should have. How would you feel if over and over, you were trying to grow up, do the mature and right things for yourself only to have your siblings intentionally push you off course and then laugh at you? Or your mother always on the verge of losing the home you grew up in continually asking for help while promising, only to drop you as soon as it didn't suit her, many times because your siblings helped her change the story? My brothers laughed in my parents face, ran off taking everything they could and only came running back with a change in attitude because it was starting to look I was going to get something they weren't. Then you are ditched as a loser who's never going to have anything, and you are never going to have anything because these very people took it from you. I am at fault for a lot of my lot in life. But I swear, it's been like a unchangeable fate. I've had a very shitty, unhappy life. Sure, I can just move out and walk away. But every single thing is going to remind me ten fold of just how much my life is fucked. My wages alone are affected when people find out I have nothing. Never mind anything else, that alone is huge. If people don't respect you, they fuck you. I always have to hide everything and I can't. Anyways, whoa is me. You have a daughter, you have your own problems. I just wish I did what I knew I had to do. No ones is at fault for that but me and the whole world will remind me of that. Thanks though, you always were a great friend, something I am not sure I can really say about myself. If able to look after myself, my own needs... I guess I'd have been different. I just quit an $84,000 per year job on Friday. That was incredibly stupid of a thing to do. I had it good there, but at the same time... I was getting upset everything three days throwing me out of balance. In the end, I was getting upset because of my inability to deal with other people and their egos, but it was probably my own ego that was the problem. Or maybe not? I don't know. I tend to try and keep to myself in jobs. I wanted to stay as far away from everyone as I could there, but eventually you can't. I think I look like a complete ass for my actions, I don't want to head back in there for my last cheque. The women used to like me. If you are still here, I'd like to see you. I'm no fun, but shaking your hand or seeing you eye to eye is always good. Love you too man. ******** The day I read that was the day I first returned to a construction site that I worked on 15 months ago. I looked over the same balconies that I pondered jumping from back then. You don't know this, but last year I was the closest I've ever been. For over four months, probably six I would have been classified as extreme risk. I was pissed and I felt like writing back that I wish it was something as tangible as brain cancer Erik. People understand that. If I kept a journal all my life Erik you'd understand. You'd understand everything. Everything would make sense. But you know what? It doesn't matter. It's cost me everything already.

You know what I said about not buying a place and putting it off somewhat because you guys were? I felt guilty for not pushing you guys and I think I screwed Simon up. I felt guilty for that too, I think he relaxed because I relaxed. You know, your always gauging yourself and comparing your progress to your peers. Anyways, thank you for listening Erik. I hope I am not causing you any issues or frustration. I've always liked you.

Hey, well I am not working as of today and looking. I just had to double check your message, and make sure that you said Thursday and not Tuesday. If you had the time and I am not too much of a self absorbed fool, I'd love to see you. Whatever works for you. I just would like to find the right headspace. This morning seems to be working for me because, I am feeling like I am often fairly self absorbed. I am sorry for all that Erik, I just can't seem to help it anymore. I hope you've had a good trip.

Hey pal! We are coming back mid afternoon i think on thursday...flying out friday. Ive posted om here that ill be at the John B thursday nigh5 if anyone wanted to come out...would love to see ya. Or u can drop by Lises place before...

Hi, I greatly appreciate the message. Thank you Erik, I'll see you Thursday then.

great!

So where are you now?

just got to Lises place. Come down of u feel like it.

8k, will do.

Go for that walk yet?

I almost did a few times actually, the closest time to doing it, the only thing I was missing was proper footwear. I started liking the idea of reporting it back to you, pleasantly surprising you.

I was up late doing nothing last night, I'm tired this morning. Hope you r settled back in easily enough.

Proper footwear eh?

By the way, thanks for telling me I have such a Fuck You mentality. I'm glad you told me that. Two nights ago I sat with someone who told me something similar. I'm totally blind to my own... Image.

Yeah 12 year old sandals with cracked padding... It wouldn't be good

Those $300 also sandals I have. They lasted a long time, but they're done. I can't walk distance in those.

I'm all over the map man. It's not like I have a 9 to 5 job or none. There's opportunities and such everywhere, and all kinds of dynamics to go with it. Today is the first day I've stopped since you left. I'm lazy, have no schedule, but I have many things to sort and do aside from the constant work situation.

Are you at work, 9 hrs difference what is that? Coffee and cognac time? Beer time? Kid time? Gf time? Do time? I have no idea what you'd be doing. I'm just laying here trying to remember what I wanted to do today before I decided to stay up late.

Over at my gf place...we just finished dinner.

Oh good.. Then you are in good company. I can see why you like.... A guy I know wants to introduce me to all kinds of Taiwanese girls. They own land there.

Interesting!

Yeah i can go there anytime. he's telling me I am coming there in the winter for the tour. Maybe I will, maybe not. If you were living here, single and interested I'd introduce you and get you in on it too. He's a different guy... Think Atlantic fat Fisherman married to a Taiwanese women. I can do an Asian tour with him, go do a circle through Thailand and such.

Stay in the Taiwanese family house there, fed everything. I know a guy in the Philippines too... Same deal, except he also owns a bar there. :-)

go buy some shoes jackass!

I have shoes Erik. This is a bad idea, I started it, but you know what I need more than anything else? POSITIVE SPACE I can't explain. I need to bow out now so, just leave me for now. Thank you.

Ok pal. :)

Thanks. Exercise is a part of being mentally healthy though, you are right.

hows it going pal?

Slow. Still not working, but that's because I haven't seemed anything. Just been customizing the van which apparently I am very very slow at. You? Haves the main girlfriend? And all the others...? You have a good life there I think.

I didn't sleep last night at all. It's 5:43am. I don't want to chat, I just wanted to share that with someone. I really wish I kept a log all my life. Mrs. Morris was by yesterday morning. Keith remembers her, she taugh us Preschool. She was my distraction. I went out for a coffee and I planned on coming back and telling her in person about the letter I wished I wrote to her. Lucky for her and I she was gone on my return. Then my oldest brother was by later on in the day, as usual he was leaving with items and a smile. Mother always gives him the valuables. I'm not fucked up because I was born this way, I am fucked up because that's exactly the way my family wanted me to be. I grew up in a very sick environment, with stupid parents and complete assholes for brothers. My sister, I remember when she chose... be on my side in the "just" or join them and get. I kept wanting to go somewhere and ask for true advice, but really it's all inside me. I've been pretty much right about everything all of my life. I just never accepted it and now it's too late. I am not suicidal Erik, but I am extremely dangerous. I think anybody who had been gutted inside like a fish by his own family would have done what I know a long time ago. The only thing I can do Erik is keep plugging away, trying to maintain some happiness and preparing the best I can to leave like a worthless loser they've turned me into. It'll hit me when I go, my health is too far gone, it's cost me too much. And when I do go, I am going to wish I took the offers you wouldn't believe that have been made available. I'd be in jail though, so.. I don't know. I am pretty sure you are going to be reading this like wtf? I am different than a lot of people, including you. The one thing that is so surreal about my position, is that everything who knows, knows. They know the whole story and yet even though they know I am dying inside they do nothing. It's surreal Erik. I think my neighbour somewhat snubbed my oldest brother yesterday, I am the only one they talk to after nearly 50 year of knowning us. I hope he did, because if he is giving my brother the time of day after stating he's sees it all... I'll never talk to him again either. I am glad I went to counselling... I paid all that money so he could sit there and tell me I did the "right" thing, puts a certain perspective on how I am treated, how I feel, and the pain of slowly dying. Excercise will help me Erik, but it's far beyond saving me.

Sorry for this I shouldnt sent it., but I just did trying to create a break in the message. by pressing enter. This is a stupid thing to say, but please enjoy your life out there. Cheat if it makes you happy. Have 20 women on the go.. just don't... hurt or take from anyone.

Sorry again, enjoy your day and try not to get fucked up over my message.. I wish I slept.

I shouldn't have wrote you that but its the truth, Ive been laying bed trying to sleep... and I keep thinking I shouldn't call my brothers assholes. The truth is that's too nice. My oldest brother has no morals, he used to be very proud to state that. He enjoys fucking others, especially me. I understand why, in his view, just by being born I 'took' from him. Anyways, I had to correct that. The sun is up. I remember meeting you and choosing to place the effort in wanting to be friends with you, Math class, grade 9 or was it 8? Anyways sorry for the messages. I am going to go work on the van and I hope I don't mess it up having no sleep. have to keep moving forward somehow., otherwise its the sampson plan. have a good a day.

Hey! Wish i could come up with some clever, wise words....im at work now in my office...end of a long day. Hang in there pal.

Its just as well my friend. If youmrespond when I'm writing like that... Well, I just get worse. I need to get back to work, still not working and I'm scared to look at the bank account. Things going well now that your settled back home?

shit...im sooo sorry for not answering!!!

Things are all good here...about time to take the boat up for the season.

Dont worry about it. Things are not good here, dont ask. Im still not working.

I am suppose, to have my job back, but i will feel better when I am actually there. Thanks for writing.

Can you do something for me? Can you get me the exact Norwegian text for the law that states each of you is no better then the next, especially in regards to financial standing or status. I'd really appreciate it, thank you.

By the Way, Love you Erik. :)

haha...sounds like uve been rinning again. ;) Love you 5oo buddy!

too

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_Jante

Thanks for that Erik. I appreciate it.

I've had my old job back for over a week and I have yet to return to work. I am going nuts. financially I just stepped backwards bigtime. 2 years.

I can't live in this house, I am going crazy, yet I can't live anywhere else.

Can't afford to.

I always think back to when you told me I always the right thing. That was.... 18? years ago? lol

The right thing was quitting smoking and getting away from my family. I don't have one. Even my cousin completely understood that when I was over at his place.

Anyways... don't reply on this shit.

I wish my life wasn't like this, I'd share other things with you. But last time I did, I think you went down the wrong path with it all.

Hope the kids doing well. She's a good looking little girl. Girl Job. :)

Keeping it Scandanavian and all.

I wish I could have afforded to go to Norway, I love WWII and the history around it. My views are different than yours, but I've also been reading for 15 years.

I'm just rambling now.

No thoughts.... just what ever comes.

I have a question for you. Is it a bad idea to write out your life? Would it help you? I want to, I've wanted to all my life. Each time I do it I.. don't complete it. It gets deleted for one reason or another.

You didn't have the same English teacher in Grade 9, but I wish I did what he said. I knew he was right. Keep a journal, a diary. Wrtie every day.

I'd let you read mine if I did that. lol

Then you'd bug the shit out of me. Anyways, these are enough messages, I don't think Facebook is meant to be used this way.

Keep them elevators running, keep them supplied. That's a key position you got there! You're lucky. I'm too stupid to land a job like that. Smart enough to do it, just to stupid to get there.

Hmm.. fuck.. I'd leave you with something Norwegian, but I can't think of anything... I even forgot what you guys taught me at Lisa's already.

Ok, that's enough... have a good day, I think it'll be day when you get these.

Hey, I just seen you were online. Thought I'd say hi. I'm off to bed, late night for me. Have a good one, whatever you are doing.

Yeh..just woke up after 16 hour sleep

sick.

Shit. I didn't think people got sick in Norway. Just kidding, I hope you get through it quick.

hahah...freling a lot better

Good, so am I. I had my first 8hr sleep in over a week. Bit it's almost 10am and I intended to be at work around 7 or so.

So are u working?

Yes. It's funny. I had to refinance at the bank, so my old job which I am going back to gave me a letter guaranteeing x wage at 40 hrs a week. It's been two weeks and I still haven't worked for them. I'm working for a really small company making less in the meantime.

ok...u are going back to your old job?

Two months off work cost me around $20,000 if you can believe that. I don't know how. But it's true.

wow!!

I wanted to buy a large cargo trailer, that's gone.

glad u are working. Must feel good.

I'm servicing a lot of debt and it's really hard to... Makethe right decisions sometimes.

I know.

Working really helps mind. Especially when I start losing it. The tools just do something for me.

hahah...well said!

For the first time in my life I was having job interviews. Man I don't like that process. It's slow. It's hard for me now, because I have to demand very high wages

job interviews eh?

And I can't even work as hard as I used to.

out of shape?

Yeah, well I've been trying to work in more specialized areas. It's different from the usual for me.

I should probably go to work. Little by little, I need to catch up.

Smoking, I wish I'd quit. How you making out?

I'm past being out of shape Erik, I'm old work wise. I used to very hard. It's both mental and physical. My lungs are bad too.

I guess it helps if you hit send. Lol

Well i quit today...easier when u are sick.

Yes it is. I used to try and plan for it the next time I got sick. I think you're going to be successful.

I hope so...i feel done with smoking.

Yeah. We should have been done with it years ago.

for sure!

well im gonna make some dinner. Have a good day man!

Here, maybe this will help. Why let something that small control you?

Me too. Gotta run. Get better.

Well, I decided to say fuck work..! :)

Thanks for being my friend Erik. Have a good day.

haha...you too pal!

Eviction notice Erik. That's what I was served today. 5 days notice. I saved her, they crippled me, then they nearly bankrupted me, no they kick me out. That's my family. Or, the family I never had.

What the fuck?

Wtf at which part? Eviction notice on the door when I got in last night.

From your family?

Yes.

I dont get it. Why would they do that?

Because. It's all money, control and they don't give a fuck about me. They never have. I was used Erik the only thing my mother cared about was staying in this house and she had the perfect fool to help her. Once in, I wouldn't let go because my siblings wanted my contributions. Over time this leads to depression, outbursts, wreckers spending, near bankruptcy and near suicide. They fucked.me, just like my oldest brother wanted. My dad was the only.on who respected my interests. My mother... doesn't care about anyone but what will get her what she thinks she's entitled to in life.

I wasn't the police station last weekend, victim services as an officer instructed me. Perhaps that was the trigger? I dont know, I knew it was coming but I.was hoping to.be out of debt. No notice means I.likely lose what little I have.

What are you going to do?

I bet you my.oldest brother is giggling his ass off, like he used to giggle at her when he thought she'd lose the house and everything she has.

I have no.idea. I thought of suicide again last night. They've taken from me all of my life.

Oh man...

Im sorry dude

Please dont do that!

I wish I had th w Money for a trailer, at least that way I could secure my tools

Tell me Erik, is this something a real mother would do the only child she had that willingly risked himself helping her stay afloat? My other brothers only ran back after I stabilized the house.

5 days notice...

I've had a shifty life, of my own making I suppose.

Sounds unfair for sure

U guys havent talked for months i think u said?

Almost two years. She said there's nothing to talk about after telling me she's just going to give me nothing I'm return for helping her with the house. This was after I chose to not pay instead of bankruptcy, which I fell into after all the years of unhappiness and fighting.

Can they really just kick u out with 5 days notice?

According to the piece of paper. Yes.

U need time to find a place to live...

U must be stressed!!

They ate saying I am behind on my "rent" two years. they are sick.

Stressing won't help me.

Almost 20 years of payingand working. I save her, eat shit and this is how I end up. It's part of the reason for suicide two years ago.

How much debt do u have?

I've been struggling to not end up used since this all began a very long time ago when you said I always do the right thing.

Right now, 80k

So realistically u cant buy a place i assume?

Nope.

80k... Including a vehicle u pay for?

I used to always have a down payment in preparation for this, but I lost that ten years ago when my dad died and my brother tried to fuck me way back when.

Yes. Including the truck. Then there two packs a day of...

I need a trailer. I just refinanced too.

Maybe rent an apt or basement suite with a storage unit..?

In 5 days?

Haha...a challenge for sure

You have no idea.

Maybe simon would let u stay for a bit?

No, he wont. wont work

They have the locks I PAID for locked and the keys changed for upstairs. What do you think of that?

Wow.

Shit man...wish i could help you somehow

yeah, I have to go. Thanks erik

Ok. Chin up

This too will pass

No Erik, I don't think so.

It will not pass. I am not like the rest of you.

I needed certain things to be happy and functional, it's impossible for me.

Furthermore, I could have had living expenses owning a place for less than $1000 a month if I didn't "do the right thing and help my parents". I don't know Erik, life just wasn't meant to work for me.

Anyways, I really have things to do .

I thought about taking a knife and stabbing my oldest brother in the back, like he's done to me. I hope I don't regret not doing it.

heaing to bed after a long day! Sending you good wishes my friend! Hang in there!

Thank you Erik.

The reason I sent you that last message is because my brother stabbed me in the back all of my life. Inside, my feelings.. they make me like returning the favour and asking him how it feels to have his life taken.

Anyways, not going to happen. That's a good thing.

I don't have time to chat. But I do need a steady stable email address for you. Please message me back with one.

Literate1975@hotmail.com

What going on?

No idea, was up for 30 hrs, just got 8hrs sleep I think. Need mental rest, don't want to talk sorry.

Happy Birtgday old man!!

I thank you. Do you promise not share the following information outside of your own parents? You are my friend. And your word means something to me.

I hope that was a private message. I am on my phone awaiting your answer.

I told my parents and my sister. Thats it.

My mom thinks u should get a lawyer

Should have had one a long time ago. I have been speaking without one. I wanted to forward that to you. You can read please do not over load me with questions.

I may have already decimated myself in court. But to me, I'm not sure it matters. Look at what I have lived with.

Im at work right now and dont have time ro read it. Sorry...

Ill reply when i can

Keep replies short and do know that you may side track me just by talking opinion of it.

Ok

Do forward it to your father. I thank you.

I meant what I said Erik, or show that to no one. That's my family business, in many ways I am wrong to give that to you. You are the weakest link amongst all who have it. I mean no offence. You're a viking, protect it by destroying it from your computer. I trust your father, no offence. You shouldn't even speak of it and I know you. But thank you, you're always a good friend.

Hey pal! I havent shown anyone or told anyone. Should i forward these mails to my dad? Wiuld you like to talk to him? Im here for you man...in whatever capacity you need!

Just hold with the please. I do. But you need to hold on that. Thank.you.

I didnt understand. Should i forward to my dad?

I guess u mean you would like to talk to him but to just hold on? If so....just let me know.

Well im off to bed mate. 9 hours ahead here.

Just wait for now.

By the way, we are both the weakest link. But we can be the strongest. I hope you learn that.

No idea what u are talking about.

It's OK. I just need to get better. Thank you.

I have 100 emails I haven't even looked at and that is not normal for me. Sometimes I end end in places where I literally cannot take another drop of information because I am in complete overload and its all spilling out. It cannot come in because there's not a drop of capacity and it feel it will kill me sometimes. I never mean to be harsh, it's that if I receive one more drop my brain tries to Calculate that along with everything else it's dealing with. I had to tell the guy I'm working for to top talking because I will literally drop right there. I have to get healthier.

I know what you always wanted me to do. Isn't easy to get there. Last night I wasn't laying in bed and I couldn't remember the last time I slept. My brain would not stop.

It might have been the moment, but I determined I was a human Rubix Cube that only I know the answer to, that has to carefully undone by going backwards while moving forwards at the same

Not easy and I have lots of road blocks. I have multiple compounding issues and I remember the points of each of them.

My first AA meeting was this year, it was full of tears. I don't even drink. I have a lot of problems indeed to solve if Im going to truly live. I've mourned and now I need to honour. You should your father as much as you can while he's still here. That was good advice from mine to me. I pass that to you, because he knew what he was talking about. I value every minute I did. I could have used more. Thank you.

Thank you for taking me fishing in that tiny boat. I felt bad for those Cod when you clubbed them. It's life, maybe one day I'll get to pull a trigger on a deer. Thanks I hope things are well for you.

I feel bad those cod too! Haha

Im doing well...better than ever after i quit smoking 2 months ago... Amazing the impact it has. Not suggesting you stop now...

You sure dont sound good...in the 'tone' of your messages

I found sometimes the best time to quit is when you are at the lowest. But Im so low I am well into the minuses. I could have literally dropped dead over the last few days just from my brain. It might be normal and just unhealthy, but sometimes it's calculating multiple thoughts all at once. Outsiders see it as fast, I see it as slow, looping and organized as it looks for information it's collected and file in different places.

That why I can't take information at times.

I remember my mother's face and the trip out the door in 1975 Erik. Think about that.

I remember her emotion and my internals and I am not sure I should share that with anyone.

Not day one, but pretty well near it.

Ok...hard for anyone else to understand im sure

I even got to know the doctor who delivered me. Because that's the way it was back then. I remember being with him. Out of all my doctors I have ever seen, hes my favourite. My dad met him in Hawaii. That's how he became our doctor.

Do you remember getting your ears cleaned? Because I do.

It's just harder for me. Or people like me. You are a product of your genes and environment. Not everything is your fault in life. That's why your daughter and these years so important Erik. She has to develop properly because it's these years who make her who she is.

That's your duty as a father. Sometimes I think everyone else is far more capable than I. You only play with the cards you are dealt. People have done impossible things, but you have to have just the right stuff.

The way u are reflecting on life and giving thanks and forming opinions on how u became who u are etc.... It makes me a little worried...im ssking as a feiend because im genuinely concerned...are u ok?

Everyone is Erik. You have no idea the extent this has gone to and the resources wasted on me. I feel bad. I think I have to transfer ships and it's not going to be easy.

I'm better at writing than talking, but I wish I could leave words better polished. You have to choose them carefully in life. I have people who care, I just need positive reinforcement and strength to look forward. You're a good friend. Thank you.

My life is easy because the path to he'll is paved with good intent. I love quotes. They see me through.

Thanks for telling me what u need! And just know im here for you. Im not going to come with suggestions...i dont think u want that. My dad is s really great guy to talk to...i have told him your situation without going into many details...and i have not forwarded those mail to anyone.

See my words typed wrong.

My life is NOT easy because the path to hell is paved with good intent.

Driving now btw

You can't care about who do not care about you. It doesn't work. But then for the rules of life and the way things truly work, you have to. One day I hope to explain.

I got dumped by the thai

I understand

I havent m drank or smokef fot a coyple months

Training like hell

Its the ket to my serenity

I have poison in me Erik. I have to carefully spread it around so everyone can benefit. I knew she would by the way. Ps. It was an honour to build that trail for your father. I intend to thank him properly one day. I have come to thoughts on that. It's my reward, not his. I'm glad he liked it in the end.

There are two things that will set you free in life. Honest work and the truth. Quotes exist for a reason. There's truth in them.

Just so you know. I am parking words here for a later date and I hope they help both of us. You are a good friend.

I have set myself free. We all do in life. I hope you have a good day.

U too pal

The word God, should be replaced with LIFE.

U on weed again?

Don't need any. I could entertain myself forever just with thoughts and analogies. But I do need continual data input to stimulate me. You don't drugs Erik, you need your brain. That comment I just made forced something within UPWARDS.

It's almost like things broke inside for my being to permanently straighten up. I'm trying to fix myself Erik and it might just be working.

Good!

That's exactly what I need from you. You always good at it. Support and encouragement. Acceptance. A true FRIEND.

Hope your having a good day.

Yep! Night time here

I've always cut out friends to limit damage. But I kept the important ones. :-) Have a good night. I forgot the time change. If I ever can, I should go there.

Yeah! Good night pal!

I went and saw Kieth today, we watched his son play hockey. You know the rink. Wow. That was a breathe of fresh air. I like Kieth. When we are good and we have the time for eachother we intertwine well. We talked of you. :)

We hope you are having a good day. From both of us.

Thats awesome!!

Its was like a full breathe of positive. His mom was there too. She remembers me from 35 years ago. lol

Great to hear. Keiths a good guy to talk to actually... Hes helped me many times

Please do the following for me and everyone else as well. You only have to type a number. https://www.facebook.com/dan.berladyn/posts/10156210041615117

Isaw that.. U are posting a lot ofweird stuff

Thanks. I was hoping somebody would let me know that. But this is a good thing in my mind? I just see everyone learning from it in the end.

My teachers used to do things like this.

I believe I almost terminated at least 5 times in the last three weeks. Don't share that, but that's an experience.

Terminated?

My left eye still hurts, but its almost better. You can talk to Kieth if you like, he understands it better than you will. He knows what it is, like I do. I am no shakespear, I'm no smarter than you. But its the same thing he died of.

I just need positive flow. If my posts are strange, please let me know.

I understand...what do u mean by terminated? Are u suicidal?

No, lol, not at all.

It's completely natural.

Oh thank god!!

U had me worried

We are all different.

A product of our genes (your mom and dad) and the environment around you. You can't control those, they make you. How much control we actually have no one really knows, they can only believe. If I want to correct, I just have to eliminate all the negative in my life and stay to the positive. The light.

My brain, I don't think it's any different than yours... I'd explain in person what it is. Not here.

I agree...i think u are liviving in your head a lot right now... Going out and watching his son play must have been a nice break

It was. I remembered I played down there for a short time. I always live in my head, I like to be there but I have tp correct that and get into the immediate present, or even the immediate future. But where ever you go, you are there. If I am negative I'll bring it with me. I don't know if I shared my quote with you.

Basically I have to go backwards in my mind to reverse the polarities while I step forward in life. I have to undo the thought patterns and blocks that were created in the past to deal with that present and future environment if it makes sense. I am the way I am for a reason, I need to fix myself. It's been done before.

Remember, I didn't have the physical strength you guys did. I didn't even have a male figure and I am the weakest. I had to out think everyone around me.

My "F-You" attitude? I think that's what you develop when people keep taking from you. It's survival.

I am the underdog in almost all my history, all the patterns. It creates weaknesses if you are always in the loss of the win/lose.

Unbalance. Good word for me right?

Hahaha...yeah

There's a reason for that. And I'd only share in person what I told Kieth today. At least, I only want to.

Ok

I don't know what my true capacities are. You are what you think. I just know I need a better environment to stablize at my core. Right now I have that. I move up from there.

Please answer the post when you've thought of your answer. You will see something in the pattern of people if it gets large enough.

Are u still living at home?

Ialready did

Legally I have the Police on my side right now. It's just one step at a time. I have just barely relaxed today. I didn't even know what day it was most of the time last week, let alone the hour of day. I've only settled the core of me, then the first circle. There's a long ways to go. It's easier when no one knows, yet I can't do it on my own. Kieth gets it.

If I have time, I may see him there often. A positive place to recover some positive energy and see a good friend. I'm happy for him for what he's doing. It's the right thing. He puts his son first.

Over everything. That's what I mean to you as well with yours.

If you think of a listing boat, pointed down to the left taking on water, you will understand my problem. You can give it all the power you want, it just spirals. More and less power is up and down. You have to stop the boat, take the downward pressure off, drain the water, get it level and stable. Then access the damage. That's me and there's practically where I am at.

Can't even plot a course yet.

I hope to post my number last in that question. It will be different than most of the others and eveyone learns. That's the point to it. For me it's important for my own view.

Good night my friend. Midnight here.

Good night to you too. And Remember, stay positive! :-)

Your mom is the youngest so far, and your dad is near there. I am not surprised.

Hows it going pal?

Relaxed? :-)

Yeah

I'm taking a long lunch at work. I have to go back soon.

Ah ok! Good u are working!!

Clean pad.

I'm better, but I have a long road to climb.

Your dad is not on Facebook?

I hear ya. Its all uphill from here!

No...he might start though.., he has email of course

I hope he does. I never trusted it, but... They have us with a cornered market.

I just wonder who truly owns it. I typed in my number. Do you see it anywhere?

See what?

I let them havey cell number. I don't know if people can find that or not.

Oh on FB

Yes.

Nope...it doesnt show

Sorryi think i missed your birthday

That don't matter, you give my birthday everytime we talk.

Aw.. U are sweet! ? haha

Umm lol. I was worried about that comment. I'm terrible for birthdays, just ask Simon.

Why care about one day when there's 365.25? Their important, I'm just occupies I guess.

Exactly

Are you up?

Recognize this?

Yeah after the Legals buddy. I'm too busy for that.

I'm curious what did you think of what you read in emails?

Im sooooo tired my head csnt think right now

Ill have to answer another day

thanks I'm workingman I'd better get back

Sorry... I was just... you'll be back in the saddle in no time.

Haha.. Taking a break from women i think

It's a cycle.... maybe it's time.

What do you do in the winter there? Ski? You are lucky, there is so much history there.

Boo.

On skype with parents

At work, well pulled up and finishing a coffee. Say hi.

They say hi

My Berladyn forefathers, or at least 6 of 8 of them and they also had three sisters.

I cant see the attachment

Really? Well, maybe when you log in from another computer.

I'm going to bed. Have a good night. Thanks for reading about my ticket. lol

Yeah i cant believe that!

They actually personally delivered it? Weird

One more hour and I get to watch hockey.

Huh? U watch hockey?

I do when the puck is slow and it's a friend's kid on the ice.

Ahhhhhh....

Say hi for me!

I will. 45 minutes to go.

Thought of u

Thanks man, funny thing is I am not sad. I'm just extremely unhealthy an unable to do what I want to do..... WRITE.

Just start.

K

You're right.

Are you still free of smoking? I don't want to ask, but I want to know.

Yeah..4 months or so

I don't sleep well, it's hard for me to be clear in the mind and focused.

Quit drinking caffeien

If I write, I'm scared of writing from the wrong perspective. Or the wrong tone. Or stating the wrong facts.

Yeah... Lo

Lol I meant

Just start without thinking about it...see what comes out

K

I'm going to email you the latest. You can forward to your father at your discretion. I'm partly worried what people will think of me. This is my family I am... describing as well as a large chunk of me.

I will go write, I'll never be in a perfect state.

K

Thanks. Have a good day.

U too mate

Hey, did you forward those emails to your dad?

Sorry dude...havent read them yet. You want me to send them?

I don't see the harm in it. I was going to do things differently, I am running out of time.

I'd like his opinion. Or at least... Anything he sees positively on my behalf.

Ok. Ill read them in the morning

Its long, and it should really be taking me 5 years to write the story correctly but thanks.

Heres how my dad replied:Its very difficult, impossible actually, to form an opinion without knowing and understanding the context in which these occurred. I would not/ could not try to mediate or advise directly regarding the unfairness or injustice of his experiences. I've heard thousands,... well, hundreds anyway... of life's injustice and unfairness. And within my circle of friends, our emphasis is spiritual growth, regaining sanity, cleaning up our side of the street, and getting on with life. I'd be glad to listen and talk with him, but couldn't offer to be an ally in his disputes. At best, might bre able to open some new perspectives. Am I making any sense Erik? Its past 8:00 PM.

Sounds like your father. :) I appreciate that, please let him know of it. You know Erik, I fully understood that this was going to be my outcome, so did my eldest brother he laughed at me for it. It's he said she said, types of things. Anyways, now you partially understand how I have been so "fucked up" over the years. You said it yourself, I am a really fucked up guy. Thank you for sharing that with him and please thank him for reading them.

My father was the only one I had truly had, but he couldn't even help himself, let alone me. I have emails, maybe 50 of them from the counsellor over 2008 to 2011. I wish I had 2003 to 2011, but... I should have written more through my life. I always knew to keep a journal, it was the only proof I'd ever have.

My cousin, he knows us all. I was at his place again last night. He tells me to "fuck them all" as hard as I can as I am forced to accept nothing and literally lose everything.

He tells me if I can, I should cost her this house. There's easily prooveable... wrong doings here where I don't gain, but she loses. In many ways Erik, they killed my father and they've nearly killed me several times.

They DON'T CARE about anyone but themselves.

I think instead of intentionally hurting anyone, I should just honestly write my out my history. No ill intent and publish it. I've worn it long enough, I've carried it long enough. But it's the tiny details, those tiny nudges of fate that I needed a Journal to explain.

Teach your daughter to write.

Im tired and I want to go for coffee, but I thinking of what you said. Avoid caffience.

caffiene.

Well it doesnt take a rocket scientist.

Do you believe that's true for everything with me? We don't always see the forest, for the trees or something like that.

Sounds about righr

Must be lonely for u today?

I'm working. this is every Xmas for me in the last ten years. No big deal. I have your thoughts. :-)

Must go, dead battery.

Ttyl

Merry Christmas Erik. I hope you all enjoy it over there.

If you have time we should call eachotehr

Im free

Me too. What happens if I hit the phone icon here?

Are you around?

9 hours or 13 hours... I forget..

Yeah, it's early yet... getting the happening I guess..

9 hours

Driving

Drive safe..

Are you up? Happy new year.

Going to avoid me or are you busy?

Sorry... Dont feel like talking today.

No problem.

Hi, can you do me a real quick favour? I assume you are at work?

Yes

Can you punch in Jim Berladyn into facebook? I just want to know if he blocked me or hid/deleted his profile. It's not important, but I want to know.

I cant see any of his friends. He has turned on his privacy settings

But im sure he has

OK, he's still on here good. Thank you my friend.

Hope all is well.

Im ok. U?

Are you following what I write? I am way behind what I wanted to.

Yeah u sure have been avtive here

Not near enough.

Didnt really like that u talked about 'substances' we took on Denman and send to my mom.

My apologies, but she must have known. I used that thinking it was safe. She knows your friends have smoked pot? Not you of course?

No worries. She knows we all smokef pot.

There's many reasons I wrote that. One of them was to thank your dad for building his trail.

Interesting seeing all the work you have done. I can see why u are so attached to the place

That's not really why I was attached, it was why this is so sick, trying to kick me out. And it's not half the work I have done over the years or anything to do with personal cost.

Going to court tomorrow? Sounded like it from a post about your mom

telephone conference.

Oooohhhh

busy. cant talk sorry.

Ok

Thanks for asking though.

Just curious

Im sure ill read about it

Well, Facebook removed the post to my mother. I'm not sure what it was that prompted the removal.

Misinterpretation or?

Anyways gotta run

Wow!!

Ok

I just came back after buying coffee. I don't understand what was wrong with that post to my mother. I can't afford the distraction but it really upsets the start to my day.

I don't trust Facebook to judge what is right and what is wrong. If they want to pull something off, they should explain why.

Hey, good pic. How are you? Lisa NewComer added me, I'm trying to remember who she is. I recognize the name, shes in Montana.

Dont know the name

Im doing good.

How about u?

I have three people on my list, I don't really know who they are.

I didn't sleep at all last night.

Did u have that conference call?

Yes, I think it went badly for me.

I didn't anything I should have, I blanked out

Oh?