Thanks for the Merry Christmas Mark. Same to you, I actually thought about seeing you but.. I'm not fun to be around.

You are fun dont be like that.We are family and if you ever need to talk i am here for you.

Thank you Mark. I wish I had I kept a journal my whole life. It would exhonorate me in so many ways. It's really the only way you would ever understand everything right to this very moment. What was true at 8, at 15 and 20 years of age is still true now, I don't have a family. If I kept a journal you'd see that and you'd probably be surprised I am not already gone. They sealed my fate a long time ago, I don't mean to sound heavy and harsh but I am going to die young. Anyways talking just makes things worse, as all the issues just compound and effect every single aspect of my life. Relationships, work, friends, everything. Please don't share this with anyone. Every action has a reaction and then everything just compounds. I hope things are going better for you now, Happy New Year, Dan

Hey Mark, I just thought I'd let you know I was down at the supplier today and I drove by to stop but you weren't there. Aftewards I called you. I was just going to open up to you about where I am right now. Nothing to do with my family.

I wrote a resume today and sent it. It was terrible! Anyways, I called and didn't leave a message so I thought I'd leave a message this way.

I'm home if you wanna call?

Hey, I was thinking last night... you have a good skill. Empathy. I lack it in some regards, in communication anyways. At least I think I do. I feel guilty not helping Dianne and them over there, if I had my life running right I would. Good on you.

BTW I just ate total crow. I'm not sure it's going to help but there's nothing to lose but pride.

I think I will think very unkindly of them if the answer is no. :)

Just think positive and it will happen.let me know how it works out.

Nope, not going to happen. I'm just making things worse trying. Of course, they know I am hurting so it's even easier for them to kick me. If we communicated and I was doing well, they have more respect.

For a guy with my skill of both trades, that van, it's extremely disappointing.

I am completely fucked because there is no wa I can keep my head up that van being self employed.

He told me to buy a new one, I took months stressed over that, I tried to find a $5000 used one. I meant not to buy the first one when I saw it, but within 24 hours it was raining, my tools were getting wrecked, I just went for it. I immediately had buyers remorse, but once I was in, I was in.

You'll love this. I have to double check to make sure I am talking to you. But wait... its about women.

When I started there, the girls were all over me. $40 and hour. It was almost like a competition. Not quite, but it was very very friendly.

Then, the one I had to work with.. we got close, inviting me out and everything, young kid, married, etc. Complaining about her marriage, she understands me and yada yada. I said no, I am not going for dinner with you, your married, etc. Of course, well I wouldn't let you try anything with me anyways.. right? :)

She keeps being close with me, trying to find out stuff. I tell her I just want to be left alone in private matters. Finally one night I make the mistake, I open up. Immediately after I am pissed.

We become "less" close. I feel it's because she realises I am a loser.

She quits later on. Returns after I quit.

She's the one that contacted me, telling me I should be honest and tell them everything if I want to come back. She starts talking again asking about the situation with me, why things went bad. Then I opened up drinking after talking to you... she says, I thought that was your house! Conversation dies off.

I just contacted her earlier, honestly stating I didn't know if I should message her, she bitched me out. See? Anyways I took her response as a company wide response. She's just following the office right? What's politically safe and moves you forward in life.

I just went out after sending you that message. When I returned the boss wrote. So... I will hear from him in the morning, maybe it's really bad, but I took it as a good omen. Now I am cautioning myself again, bracing for bad news. :)

But women... see? Or am I just... making more out of that than....? I have to work with her if I come back and ... yeah, but it's always interesting. I thought you'd appreciate it.

Good luck.sometimes. You have towork with people you don't. Like you just have to learn to deal with them.

I know... but you, trust me, Ive had to do that lots. I was remembering something today... remember when I said you have no idea how much this family stuff and here affects you in everything?

I was thinking back to the many times in the spring working here. I was mentally screwed, like a bad hangover at work. I just wanted to be left alone, no one in the company knew... then the hindu driver would come around. I hated him. He was inquistive and he just couldn't get the message. Which was stay away. Id wake up sick thinking about things at home and my life. It affected performance. Then your struggling to hide it. I hated that hindu, he looked at my cheque, which right there, in a way crippled my relations with others. When they knew what I was pulling in, so many problems.

Boss didn't write. I guess I am just putting him in a bad spot. Like that chick said, I'm just making it worse trying. One thing I am good at, the boss complimented me on, is long, well read emails. But that's a bad thing too.

I was thinking, they are probably saying to themselves we paid that loser that lives at "home" that much money. I've heard that one before too.

I know I need to keep positive, but I feel like I am screwed. It's one thing to negotiate when a company wants you and you don't need them, but the other way around... I'm surprised I have a hard time writing a resume. I do.

Thanks for the messages.

I don't know if this is desperation or not, but I'm actually wondering if it's a bad idea to simply lay out everything I can concisely in a resume and blanket apply to every company in this sector. Leave my throat wide open.. which means get low balled. $40 down to $22. lol, that's what I feel will happen.

BTW I wish I didn't tell you the wages I had. I try to only keep that between stuff only between I and select other Tradesmen. They are the only ones who understand the cost of getting that money. In many ways, that $40 with my truck, my tools and my wages are dirt cheap. On the other hand it's a shitload for who you have to compete with in most areas. Top that off with the fact that I can work like I used to and yeah..

Anyways, lets see if I can write a resume.

Well, it isn't over. I am such a bad spot negotiating wise. I just need to stop and slow down. Dad always said that. Slow down. Somtimes I am ok, othertimes not.

Anyways, if I was thinking I should get out, I thought maybe I'd call and see you, clear my mind, stay on other topics, healthy distraction... but I'm not into Sports and I think I am tired. Have a good a night what ever you are up to.

I have a game at 845.keep in touch

I shouldn't say it, but I don't know how you do it, i couldnt. Here's to a good game.

No call. Said he'd call.

My phone... I don't know why it messes up messages but it does. It shows things I've sent to you, as being sent to someone else.

Hopefully you will laugh, but you know what happened there? I wrote the boss asking about our secret deal that he shook hands on. He was to pay me extra, a fixed amount monthly, no one could know, he had to find a way to do it. I wrote him after quite some time had passed... Just as I clicked send... I noted the address. It was sent to the whole office that I normally write. Talk about a screw up! Yup, I did that. Anyways. Clocks ticking and I better figure something out. Thanks Mark.

By the way, I think this insurance stuff is close knit. I screwed up there, it's probably going to affect me elsewhere.

Why thank you Mark. You were there for my First Birthday. Uncle Ike, Aunt Eleanor and you enjoyed cake with me. Funny how life is. The dots. They blow me away.

If there's more trouble here, you're taking the baby books as well.

What's the word on Uncle Peter?

Hi Mark, Facebook now lets people choose a legacy contact to manage their account if something happens to them: https://www.facebook.com/help/1568013990080948 Since you know me well and I trust you, I chose you. Please let me know if you want to talk about this. ---- Pretty basic stuff Mark. I am just fooling with account settings.

Well? What do you think?

Hmm..... Interesting for me.

Want to teach me hockey with Brianna?

no attachment with it

It's just fathers and kids playing road hockey. Good people. The guy starting it is a goalie and his daughter is near Brianna's age.

All ages, everyone welcome.

I think Brianna would be overwhelmed by it.

OK.. you never know though.. but maybe you would, your her dad. :)

you're.

That wouldn't be a Toyota Tundra would it? :)

Jobless. I quit. Making me too sick.

Seems I am restricted from posting in Junior High School after the post with Jim. :)

This was for you, but it was ignorant towards the other cousins. Have a good weekend.