From: Dan Berladyn [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: February 9, 2016 12:03 PM
Subject: Diagnosis, the System, Legal Affairs, Etc.
Hi John Mogk,
How are you?
I must apologize, I am still not depressed. I did start feeling better immediately after my last email. Aside from not consciously staring at all the problems surrounding me, I am relaxed, and conscious of many things. Prioritizing and following through on any one act is tough. Where to put the energy? I can think of at least three potential outcomes that may work out to be positive in regards to my mother. I am unsure though, I know I have some deep Psychological needs that don’t also come out, they need certain triggers to surface. I have many thoughts and lots of perspectives. In seeing you, I am concerned of a few things. The first being caught in the “System”. I believe the System can very quickly work against my best interests and my long term status. Also, I am concerned to end up feeling like I am going backwards by taking time away from work and spending the energy in seeing you. That’s what happened with Owen James, well at least one of the things that happened. I felt held back from maximizing an efficient rise from my financial losses. I felt held back from my natural means of moving forwards, usually that is cut all waste.
I was thinking that you’re not going to truly help me. I know that’s not your intent. You will help if you can, I think that much of you. I know that if I am in the wrong frame of mind, stressed, tired, or lazy, if I use the wrong words, expressions, anything else… it all works against me. So perhaps I have ten short visits, if that. It doesn’t leave me much. In many ways, I think I would need to be a multi-billionaire for someone to attend to my Psychological Analysis and Health the way I’ve expected in the past. I have to be more realistic in any expectations and I need to be aware of motives. No one has the same concerns as I do. For the most part, I think informing the Police on anything other than basic details is a bad choice. They too have motives that can quickly turn around. I’m already in their System for the hospital trip which could be a bad reference down the road. I think I am going to keep seeing you in an effort to find what I need.
Extended Family, I had expectations there too. However, that perhaps is not as viable as I was hoping. It may be, but my Uncle wouldn’t even let my voice be heard so… what good is he? He had an idea, sell the house and split if four ways. I responded, he didn’t like the fact I was responding. In the least I need to be heard in any healthy mediation. For me, with all the damage and taking they have done, I feel a need to ask why they should get any money from the house. The house is between mother and I. Right now I find it very odd that this house is quieter than it has ever been in forty years. I barely even hear the TV upstairs. This is extremely abnormal. Not having the siblings drop in is good for my balance. This is the way it should have been for years. If I was on title, I would have instilled it. Peace. Perhaps the Police and Medical System have done this, or perhaps they have a slight fear.
I’m not stating the things I want to. I want to state one more things in terms of the topic on seeing you. When I was seeing Dr. Owen James, I was Psychologically boxed in. I’ve always been boxed in since childhood by mainly my oldest brother and my mother. They kept me there for their needs. The others all adopted this and ran with it too. It can be very hard to break out and rise above them. I’ve done it before with mentoring, but I relapsed. The point of all of this is to bring up the stance in which I ended up falling into with Dr. Owen James. I don’t like my emails to him, at the time I didn’t like the meetings with him either. The way in which I acted I meant. If you treat someone a certain way, in time they will eventually adopt that identity right? I felt childish or something I can’t put my finger on at the moment. I don’t like and didn’t like the perspective I was communicating from back then. I suppose it’s one of being in everyone else’s control. It was like a step down from the way I’ve always been internally. Personally, I think this is from being boxed in Psychologically.
If you ever read the emails to him, or if you have interaction with him, I hope you keep the above paragraph in mind.
When I was younger I had a very good grasp on what was happening and what had happened to me Psychologically through the years. I was intelligent enough to understand, comprehend and see it all. It was too painful to keep at the forefront, so naturally I dealt with it by burying it, distracting from it, all kinds of things. At any rate, I think the Bipolar is well overplayed. I may be slightly bipolar, everyone is, but maybe I am slightly a bit more up and down over time, or not at all with unnecessary stressors removed. I might also be a slightly more prone to all those bipolar drives, thrusts of energy with that illness, but I do not think that is the major player here. I could read about all kinds of Disorders and apply them. I love the Hospital’s “Adjustment Disorder”. For me, that was simply stress… leading to perhaps bottled up Fight or Flight energy, just frozen and waiting for the next appointment before charting course. If I was manic, I would not have been at ease as soon as I accepted my fate in the hospital. I would have stayed manic.
There was something I saved sometime ago. I will reference the link. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Emotional Trauma. I think likely this is what is/has been wrong with me.
http://www.healingresources.info/emotional_trauma_overview.htm (In PDF, I highlighted the things I identify with)
If I cycle back in time and hit play from memory, this diagnosis fits so much better. Everything from having older siblings torment and tease me, then laugh at me. The goading.. that may be normal, but it damaged me young, I know it did. It opened up an insecurity, a stressed state, an untrusting state that damaged me, a constant nervous state. I never developed confidence, in fact I developed the opposite. I expected to get hurt. I should really spend the time on all of this, but I watched in slow motion the internal damage to my own Psyche and my Social status at a young age. I’m not that smart, but I was able to calculate the future consequences each painful event. Keep going and you have sexual abuse and the deep torment from telling the entire neighbourhood, this lasted for years – my Elementary Years. It took me something like five/six years to get into a new school environment where I could lose it from my mind. It never truly left, now it’s irrelevant, but in my prime development it was very damaging. Then add poor decisions of a single mother (who wasn’t single, but for arguments sake was). Add a family bankruptcy. Then add spending hours and hours with a very very heavy drinker down on his luck. I was with him all day everyday for years. Summers and weekends anyways. Long trips along the coast. I poured the drinks, part of my duty.
You don’t have the time, but I slowly watched myself get completely screwed up inside, then I watched the ones who began it all (my siblings) take advantage of my weak state and make it worse. Written off by mother at 14, second and third hand clothes, unfavoured, the last pick at everything… teased, I developed big issues. Then I was laughed at and blamed for having those issues. I was quite the messed up introvert unable to defend or fix myself. I wouldn’t even take a girlfriend when relationships with beautiful girls formed naturally. I was too messed up. First jobs, all hampered by family too. First career hampered by family. My start in my trade was likely the hardest of anyone or most I know, and I know a lot of people. Rod Schwan, that was something most wouldn’t survive like I did. He maximized everything from you, he made a lot of money off of me and I worked extremely hard. I accepted it, the only thing I could do. It wasn’t all bad, but it went bad because I trusted him in everything except for abandoning this house and my parents. Perhaps like a fly and a light bulb, there was something here with my parents that I wouldn’t leave. In time, that developed into the very strong feeling they’d lost everything without me.
So back to 14, we have the beginnings of cigarettes and marijuana which started from family problems. I couldn’t drink as a teenager, I would get too sick. Just one drink and I could throw up violently. Not always the case, but more often than not. I was a mess, but still normal. Hiding that stuff was par for the course. The whole family hid the money problems and the alcoholism. Except my siblings still demanded to have everything their friends had. It was strange looking back. Strange how they had no care for how hard it was on my father. No money to pay the mortgage and they still wanted. All about getting. I was never like that, I was almost all about losing. I just accepted things, then tried to hide from being taken from. When I was off guard, they’d find a way to get from me… the pain from that. I had major issues at a young age. Pam asked if everything was compartmentalized and it was. Different lives almost, different outlooks. Going to work with my dad and seeing his world, something completely foreign to anyone else at school. I witnessed his poverty and misfortune. He had it very hard. I could tell you many stories. This was especially different from other kids since some of the people in school did not come from what some deemed as a “higher class” background. I was, yet it was hollow. The money was GONE. We come from a house that at one time went through a lot of money. I don’t know how well my dad actually did, but people tell me today he did very well. The whole extended family did, then it was gone. Gone at an earlier stage in my development than my brothers who were spoiled rotten. My sister had a different fate as she was the youngest and what they always wanted, a girl.
As I developed, I developed even more Psychological problems, I just became weaker and weaker prey for my siblings and anyone else. My brothers are older, more developed with less Psychological issues… them with my baby sister, the princess… they could literally just take from me at leisure and then blame me for all my problems. It was very painful. Then you have my mother basically telling me I am no good, I was grouped with my dad. Even good clothes were washed with his greasy smelly work clothes. It was defeating. Four vs. Two. Of course mom never left dad when she was talking of divorce because even though her wealthier friends had much to say, they guided her, there was no man who was going to support her and four kids. My dad would, he would just keep trying… a man has to do what a man has to do he often said. He had a painful life that began in my forming years, so we both naturally… I adopted much of his thinking and it was very painful. I had beautiful girls even into my early twenties want to have sex with me. Not as often as I’d like, but often enough. Each time I was naturally to act on that, my fathers thinking would just come out of me. Be a gentleman, don’t take her clothes off, be nice. I never the same chances again with each of those girls and I’d want to slit my wrist out of the pain of screwing up. That’s if my personal issues didn’t get the better of me before I even got that far with girls. Honestly I lived in a lot of pain. Overwhelming hidden pain.
I think it would take many hours of writing to try to define all the improper programming I had. The low self worth, low self esteem, the unselfish nature. I should have been the opposite. I should have climbed high socially, done well in school, been happy, instead I scurried on the bottom because it was safer. It just was. Then I’d be upset watching all my opportunities that I should have been enjoying, flee my life. I’ve had lots of Psychological pain, the more you are in the easier it is for others to shaft you and keep you down. It’s just simple for vultures to take. Many times it felt like a personal hell that no one understood. I even had just enough car accidents at just the right times to keep my insurance maxed out at 100% surcharge. The first started from bald tires of a car my brother sold me. I should have been killed in that one. Everyone blamed me. Overwhelmed so many times emotionally; “there’s goes my whole life”. I blamed myself each car accident, so did everyone else. I chose to man up and pay ICBC, instead of finding ways to cheat. However, there was a part of me that could trace the cause and effect. There was a part of me that knew it was from the lack of love, nurture and support my family was not supplying to me. It wasn’t completely my fault even though I accepted all the blame. My dad, no fault there, he’d do anything in a heartbeat, but he was incapacitated himself. It’s not his fault either. It was the greed and selfishness of the other family members. They have to get more, win, all about them. No cares for others.
It’s really hard to capture the emotional tear, the emotional devastation in words. Completely overwhelmed and because of that, you are weakened for the next big emotional tear. One trigger and event just leads into more down the road and you are helpless. People don’t get it and that just makes it all even worse. On the surface I was normal, but certain stressors opened the wounds. I always hid, blended in, etc. Maybe I should be doing all this is point form, it’s so easy to loose the details. My father was literally drinking so much it was almost akin to watching him slowly kill himself. He drank very hard, harder than anyone I have ever seen yet. Vodka and milk beside the bed so when he opened his eyes… it was there. People talk about being alcoholics and I hate to be rude, but I always look at them as small time, amateurs. My father ran on alcohol, it had to be in his veins, not in small amounts, but in very large amounts. That’s one source of very deep pain. My first AA meeting was in 2015, my dad passed away in 2005, this was ten years later and I still couldn’t hold back the emotions. I had to go up in front of everyone, and even then I held most of it in. I don’t even drink.
My life has felt like a curse. It doesn’t matter if I turn left or if I turn right. I still run smack dab straight into that wall. Perhaps it’s learned behaviour, at times I’d screw myself up before they’d get the chance. Almost denying them, my family opportunity. All they need to do is be around me and I destabilize. I imagine a hard rape victim would be no different around her rapist. I really don’t like a victim card and I am not trying to play it, but it does fit. The first Officer I interacted with spotted it right away. Victim Services he said, he said lots of things including don’t kill yourself or waste your life away on drugs. I wish I had the key points of my life. I used to know them very well, I came down this road for a reason. It actually seemed like the only choice. Die trying. However the harder you try the more you fail. So… I don’t know. You can blame me for falling short, or you can see that I actually attained the goals I set out in the best capability I could given the dynamics and the situation. I know I failed myself in my one chance to legally get on paper. That was my fault but it wasn’t. The time finally came and there lots and lots going on. Including the start of that Union job and a girlfriend that was messing with my head.
I’m going to cut this short. The history is definitely there. To be completely honest, I have paid for this house in misery, lost wages, debt, interest, ill health, near suicide more than once… you name it. I’ve likely been there. Getting it out of me is the hard part. I’m not sure I will ever recover knowing that I knew to get fixed, get a property of my own to have what I need in life. I knew this twenty years ago, and they destroyed that too. Turning into the house under my own power after they all set up to suck my blood and use me, was really the only viable sane option. It covered all the bases. It became everything. All eggs in one basket, which again made messing with me easy. I just don’t know how to properly fix this. I feel like if I write and say the correct things to the right people it will fix. However, that seems impossible. On the other hand, if I could find a truly viable friend and partner, a properly compatible woman, I might just walk away do well as long as I keep it all behind me. Either case seems too… extreme in some ways. Twenty years and I still can’t find a partner that’s viable. I come close from time to time, but due to this or that, it’s not viable. Like Fate.
I shouldn’t be rushing this, but the history is there: Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Extortion, Cheating, Stealing, Playing, Shafting, Back Stabbing, Undermining, Intentionally Belittling and Exploiting, it’s all there. Financially it’s at least $500,000 if not more over the last 21 years. I was pushed over the edge young, and it continued to happen through childhood, adolescence and right into adulthood in my most important years. I know the history is there to in the very least prove they intended this, let alone find a viable outcome. The history is there proving she didn’t lose the house and everything in it because of me and my actions. Then, there’s my luck, but perhaps it’s not luck at all.. just learned patterns and making things happen through a sickened will. Honestly, I’ve thought for years I should be able to sue them. But then it’s only words and lots of witnesses who likely forget and wouldn’t want to come forward.
I’ve written so much in so many places I am not sure of the facts I have and have not given you. Either way, this webpage is highly interesting to me:
I have had anything but a normal healthy life and it’s not all my fault, in the end, none of it may be. I didn’t control the environment that formed me. I have been used, neglected, undermined and shafted. A lot of my reactions are normal. There’s everything, sexual abuse (which is minor, but the effects before grade 3 are severe), heavy alcoholism and a my father, my hero literally slowly dying in front of me, a mother, not her fault, who’s careless, self centered and a poor parent/friend, siblings who are greedy, manipulative and taking, not to mention abusive and bullyish. This is has never changed. The only one I truly had was my father, but he couldn’t solve his problems let alone help me in mine and he tried. It was too hard to talk.
What you had seen in that timeline I sent prior, the last six months, that was just par for the course. All my years have been like that. The only good times I have had were literally when I just folded in and accepted being used, shafted and going no where in life. It’s the only way to peace and stability. At least I served a purpose, holding the fort for everyone else. Otherwise, every time I did something for myself I’d be attacked, undermined, talked down to, stabbed in the back. I guess this seems childish, but seriously it’s true, I just can’t write it properly. Either because it’s too long and there’s too many details/factors or something like that. I rarely ever had all green lights, if ever. I’d be stuck under one problem in life, then when that finally gets fixed, the length of time caused another problem to appear.
Everything is different for me, including work. I don’t go to an office like you do. All I truly wanted was to make it on my own, build my own life honestly, but they did was just keep adding weight to me. Throwing stones in my path. The laughing always hurt so deeply. Not one of them ever pulled me up, outsiders always had to do that.
If you can, get me to talk about being emotionally over loaded, I don’t know the right word, but where a person’s anxiety overloads so severely it feels like it oozes out the skin and the mind wants to literally pass out/shut down. That’s happened many times and in many ways I think it is what I mean by Emotional Trauma and the weakened state and the predisposition to keep repeating it. I hope this is all worth it. Me writing this and you reading it, that is. There was more points I wanted to cover but this is longer than I intended and less detailed than it should be.
- By rights, I think my mother should talk to me and have me take over this whole house with her living here as long as she can. That would be the fairest thing in my view. If you knew everything the others took and received and everything this cost me, this would a fair outcome. There’s other acceptable outcomes, but that’s the appropriate one that solves all my problems as long as it’s financially still viable. I wouldn’t know, I got shafted from that information too. Just give the cheque… do the work, the others guide the ship even though they abandoned it and they don’t contribute to it. I feel completely abused to be honest, I used to tell her I am not married to her, but in many I was. I see that legal document even defines “spouse” as… well something that fits me well. So perhaps I am not the one who should be scared of court in the end. I just need the facts and my mind straight.
I can’t prove it my brother said laughing… well, they were wrong about the Tenancy weren’t they? I feel like apologizing for this email, because I do swing directions on the proper course to set from here. I know one of the biggest pains will be not to keep trying. My brother used to laugh this would foreclose, I used to say where there was a will there was a way. It’s still here, nearly twenty years later. I don’t know the financial shape, I know some bad things. I know no matter my course, the immediate future is the same. However, dealing the with the bank… that’s two different directions depending on the outcome here.
Perhaps this email is a waste of time, I don’t know. I can’t… see the bigger picture. Just get out, doesn’t quite sound right to me. If I even had that option, I’d entertain it. I was trying to set up for it in the Summer. I should be able to sue them, they were laughing before posting that Notice of Eviction. That was ill intent meant to cause harm. It almost killed me, not to mention the Professional and Financial losses.