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Month: January 2015

Maturity and Growing Up

As Posted to Facebook.

Maturity and Growing Up
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I was told last night that my oldest brother Jim Berladyn is going around telling everyone that I need to grow up. The person who told me that also told me that he thinks I am more grown up than my oldest brother. If I look at my history, I can move to any point in time, but let’s go back twenty years ago when I was told I was forty and having a mid-life crisis. Twenty years ago, the time I am told I shouldn’t care about, like it’s not important. It was very important to me, I don’t know why everyone else tries to rub it out. Like they want to erase it.
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I wasn’t laughing at my own father who was nursing his emotion in alcohol. I wasn’t laughing that my mother was going to lose her home and everything in it. I didn’t find that funny. In fact, it deeply bothered me, I loved this home I have exceptionally deep attachments to it for very valid reasons. At the same time, I was smart enough to know that everything I did then would determine my life right now. I needed to get on my feet, I needed that for myself for more reasons than I can ever explain. I had tremendous highly anxiety. Buying RRSP’s were the only thing that made me feel good about myself. My brother Jim Berladyn laughed at that too, he devalued it so much that I quit.
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I wasn’t a Son who was laughing in my parent’s face. I am not a Son who said “I am not paying you rent! Parents don’t charge their kids rent! Parents don’t use their kids!” This moved forward to very excited expressions such as “I am not working on your house, I have my own.” I am not a Son who walked around exclaiming “They (my parents) want it all!”. I am not a Son who enjoyed my parent’s glim future. I never said such things as “The bank is going to foreclose on that house, when they take it, it’s going to be all over but the crying. It’ll be a sad day”. I could never say such things with enjoyment.
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My oldest brother said that stuff like he was masturbating. Yet on the other hand he would brag about getting his free weekly meal. He even came up with the plan for my sister. That being he should use her to help pay his mortgage, she should live with him, $400 for a room. I am trying to understand if that is more mature than I? This after all is family, your own blood. My father told me he did such things as lend people money for down payments to buy their first homes. My oldest brother Jim Berladyn, still refers to him as “that guy” in a negative connotation.
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Interesting, I wonder if my oldest brother told my father what he told me. That being, I don’t know what life is about. Apparently it’s all about money and yourself. Money is something I strongly felt I would have learned to manage wisely investment wise if I only had four walls around me. That was when I was twenty years old or so. I wanted to correct myself. I had the will to, I could foresee myself enjoying it.
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I remember my other brother, I haven’t said much on him. Shameful. He was doing cocaine in the garage and he wanted to build a party house. He came to me trying to use me like he had done all my life. He baited me into an outcome he desired. The idea interested me, I could take his willingness to work and turn it all around on him. I could do what he had done to me for years, trick him. I tricked my brother, I am guilty.
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I tricked my brother Mike Berladyn into renovating the downstairs so my parents could get a stream of revenue in the future. Have no fear, my brother Mike Berladyn is no fool. Once he realized it wasn’t about him partying in a home that could barely stay afloat he refused to work. In fact, he even took it upon himself to laugh at me while I worked after hours. After hours in a job where I worked like a dog 42.5 to 51 hours per week for Rod Schwan. That must be maturity on brother Mike’s part.
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This work in the house, it was talked about in a very high regard, I was told I was going to get. My oldest brother Jim Berladyn laughed at me for that too. He figured I should have been smarter and made the deal first, otherwise I would get nothing. I wasn’t even sure I wanted anything, however I did like the pride. It seems to me that my oldest brother is all about getting, no matter whose expense, that comment really bothered me, in fact it hurt me deeply. It took my pride. I have to wonder if that is maturity?
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Should I keep going or? Perhaps I should write on the others I don’t know. All I know is that today that is all devalued. Apparantly I did nothing down here. A 1969 Stove on top of carpet tile was to be considered a kitchen in a suite that somehow pre-existed. However, there really was no suite on my behalf. Mother ensured it was never sealed off from the upstairs. Couldn’t allow that in her home.
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